| Artoria Pendragon vs Jack Horner | |
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| Air date | February 8, 2016 |
| Written by | VladonskaMerwina |
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Saber vs Jack Horner is a What If? episode of Death Battle featuring Saber from Fate/stay Night and Jack Horner from Fables.
Description[]
Wiz: For thousands of years, tales of great and legendary heroes sprang up from different cultures around the world to inspire people in the most badass way possible.
Boomstick: Like Saber, the legendary King Arthur of Fate/stay Night
Wiz: And Jack Horner, the most cunning of all fairy tale characters in Fables
Boomstick: He’s Wiz and I’m Boomstick
Wiz: And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a death battle!!!
Saber[]
Wiz: A long time ago, in a land far far away, lived a mighty king… eh… queen? Who ruled the land with strength, grace, and wisdom. Earning the throne by pulling the legendary sword from the stone, he… eh… she led a nation into a golden age of prosperity. Until the day when she was heartbroken by the affair of her most trusty knight and her own beloved king… eh queen? And betrayed by her own son? FUCK IT! This is the story of Artoria Pendragon everybody.
Boomstick: Though we all know her as the legendary King Arthur, she’s known in the Nasurverse by another name… Saber. (Hehe we all love how cute Wiz is everytime he gets pissed).
Wiz: Technically Artoria is a Saber-class servant, making her one of the most balanced. Anyway, besides being a woman, Saber has the same story as the King Arthur we know of today. Daughter of King Uther Pendragon, her gender was kept secret since birth, fearing that people may not accept a female heir to rule them in the future. Talk about some historical inaccuracy right there, Boomstick. Medieval people aren’t as dumb or misogynistic as we think they are. They’re actually as practical and equal. Hell, they even had female rulers too like Catherine of Aragorn, Queen Elizabeth…
Boomstick: Come on, Wiz, it's a fucking eroge/anime so give it some slack. Though I do think her skirt is waaaaaaaaaaaay too long for your average anime girl. Then again, Saber’s anything but average. After having to grow up in secret, her father stashed her away to a place where she trained and honed her body into the way of the knights from both Sir Ector and Sir Kay. Morphing herself into a badass armored warrior and leader… in a time where woman were doing anything BUT fighting in wars!
Wiz: Well she did get her chance. After pulling out the sword Caliburn from the stone, she proved to everyone that she was indeed the rightful heir to Uther’s throne. Now a leader of a nation, Saber united her people, formed the Knights of the Round Table to protect her kingdom, and led armies into countless successful battles. However, her subordinates still feared that the people would still not accept a female as their ruler. To solve this problem, Merlyn turned Saber into a guy and had her marry some girl and sire some children. Then another crazy girl named Morgan le Fay hypnotized her and they had an offspring named Mordred, who would one day destroy what Saber had been trying to protect: her beloved kingdom.
Boomstick: Guess Saber’s been doing same sex marriage before America ever made it popular. Like what Wiz said, Mordred led a civil war that tore apart Saber’s country. In one final battle to determine their fates, Modred was killed, and Saber was mortally wounded. But before dying, she offered herself to Alaya, the collected unconscious will of mankind, to continue her life as a badass hero which eventually led to her being drafted into the Holy Grail War centuries later.
Wiz: Years later, Saber became the servant of the mage named Kiritsugu Emiya and battled other servants, before her master kinda betrayed her by forcing her on a suicide attack to destroy the magical grail they were fighting for in the first place. Years later, she then became the heroic servant of Emiya’s successor and adopted son Shirou, fighting again in another war against other powerful mages and servants. You might be asking what a "Holy Grail War" is. Well, a Holy Grail War is a mix between a Pokemon tournament and the Hunger Games, in which mages summon legendary warriors called servants to fight with them against other mages with equally powerful servants. Their prize? The Holy Grail: an omnipotent object/parasite that can grant anyone their wishes.
Boomstick: And to fight in the Grail War, Saber had to utilize what she learned fighting in the Middle Ages, combined with her new magical powers. As a servant, Saber’s invulnerable to ordinary weapons such as swords and guns. She’s pretty strong too, able to flip over a huge ass truck like a coffee table. Her speed is almost godlike, able to move faster than the speed of sound, and faster than one person can think. Not even magically possessed machine guns and a fucking jet with vulcan guns could catch her. So before you can think of the word "ice cream", she’s already right in front of you ready to emasculate the manhood you hold dearly.
Wiz: Speaking of her weapons, she carries the legendary Excalibur after her old sword Caliburn got busted. Excalibur is Saber's main and most notable Noble Phantasm; which are weapons unique to every Heroic Spirits. Though how she uses it is quite complicated. She hides her sword inside a sheath of wind called Invisible Air that hides her weapon’s true form. Invisible Air also boosts her speed and power, and also allows her to release a powerful gust of air to knock her opponents on their asses. However, the Invisible Air acts more than just a separate skin. Once she removes that sheath and unleashes Excalibur’s true form, her powers increases a thousandfold, imbuing her in blinding aura of gold. Her now more powerful Excalibur can cut through virtually anything. But its real power comes from the moment she blasts a powerful beam of energy that can instantly kill anyone it hits. It could one-shot powerful servants and not even the nigh omnipotent holy grail could survive it. Oh I almost forgot, it can also turn into a Yamaha V- Bike. Though I’m not sure how this will be helpful it’s… it’s still an awesome bike so don’t judge me.
Boomstick: Her god-killing sword isn’t the end of Saber’s powers. She also houses a variety of powerful magical properties instilled in her. Using Instinct A allows her to predict her opponents next move and ways to counter it in mere seconds. Her self-regenerating armor uses her mana to protect her from powerful attacks. And in the Fate route, she also reacquires her powerful sheath Avalon, which is an indestructible shield that sends Saber to the world of fairies and protects her from all sorts of attacks. Not even the all-powerful Gilgamesh, whose powerful Ea meant to EXTINGUISH gods, could get through it.
Wiz: Overall, Saber uses these weapons and powers to achieve great feats in the War. While being the strongest of all the Saber-class servants, her greatest asset seem to be not her weapons, but her uncanny talent in tactics and her unbreakable will. Not even torture, BDSM, and possible "rape" can put her down. She’s also strong enough to battle Gilgamesh twice, destroyed the Holy Grail twice, and defeated a great number of servants from Casters to Berserkers. She killed Iskander, an enemy who carried a reality marble which could overwrite the world. As Saber Alter she was strong enough to even one-shot the mighty Hercules. You know? The guy who held the whole world in his hands and has 12 indestructible lives and stuff? If that’s not enough, she also survived a fucked up version of the Holy Grail War called Carnival Phantasm; a strange, destructive and apocalyptic festival of fun, suffering and death.
Boomstick: However, even with her grail-slaying powers, she’s far from perfect. Almost all of her weapons from the Excalibur to Avalon have a slow rate of usage. She can only use them a few times, depending on the amount of her mana. Hence why she could never spam her most powerful moves. And speaking of her mana, everytime she fights, it decreases exponentially, and when her mana reaches zero... well... lights out for the Queen of Knights. And the longer the battle, the more her mana runs out. Her powers and mana are also very dependent on the skills and abilities of her master. But don’t worry, having tons of sex mini games will replenishes her. God you just gotta love Japanese games…
Wiz: Not at all Boomstick. Saber running our of mana is still a big IF due to her magic core heart giving her tremendous amounts of mana. But even though she’s proved to be a great tactician in battle, she’s also quite clumsy and naive. Falling easily into traps and misjudgements, she’s a bit of a nut in making sure that her battles are fought fair and square. Worse, she also got captured twice and turned against her former allies.
Boomstick: But even so the King of All Knights, the Mighty Lion, the Greatest Servant of all time and whatever monikers and titles you can think off, can push through any battle and win.
It is the sacred duty of a knight to act in accordance with the virtues of chivalry, and the sacred duty of a king to serve the people with just laws and actions, in humility and mercy. - Saber
Jack Horner[]
Boomstick: Once upon a time there was a magical world called the Homelands. A place of magic and fantasy, where all the characters you’ve known in legends and fairy tales lived a happily-ever-after kind of life. Until a powerful and bloodthirsty conqueror known as the Adversary led a huge and indestructible army of monsters to enslave the people and made their once happy life… a living hell.
Wiz: And if you think that fairy tales are for kids? Well, the adversary didn’t just conquer the lands, he also killed anyone that might pose a threat to his power. Every man who's old enough to use a sword were killed, and every women young and old were raped by all sorts of ugly monsters this side of Tolkien.
Boomstick: Now that life sucked for these magical people, they decided to just fuck it and escape to a place where the Adversary couldn’t reach them. And where do you think this place is? Why our own world off course (where else?). They arrived in an equally strange, yet equally magical place called New York, where they built a community of their own called Fabletown. These fairy tale characters, who called themselves Fables, are currently living among us, hiding in plain sight, refugees from a far away world they’ve lost.
Wiz: You got that one right, Boomstick. And one of these characters who escaped their world was Jack Horner aka the legendary Jack of the Tales. We know him from children stories such as Jack and the Beanstalk, Jack and Jill, Jack the Giant Slayer, Little Jack Horner, Jack Be Nimble, and off course Jack O’ Lantern and Jack Frost. As a trickster Jack is always trying to make a quick buck, scamming people along the way in his adventures. But be warned, he’s a hardcore sociopath, and he doesn’t feel any empathy or remorse for his fellow men.
Boomstick: Even if his own mom gets hit by a car he still wouldn't give a damn, though he does care for the people he likes or plans to swindle from. And Jack didn’t just come into this world just to escape the Adversary. He also came here to achieve the greatest dream ever known to mankind: getting filthy rich. He did this by fighting during the American Civil War as a lieutenant of a Volunteer Regiment, even winning a medal from Robert E. Lee himself. After the war, the lesson he learned from the conflict taught Jack to try and achieve his American Dream in a more honest and honorable way... Just kidding! Haha! Fuck that! Jack made a living the best way by robbing and killing people as an outlaw of the Old West. Not the most heroic acts of a hero but still. It all ended when another Fable named Bigby Wolf (aka the Big Bad Wolf) came into the Old West and dragged Jack’s ass to Fabletown.
Wiz: Now a citizen of Fabletown, Jack himself became a devoted foe of the adversary and fought in battles with his fellow Fables. Though in time, he will be kicked out of Fabletown to start his own adventures, finding more and more shit to be entangled with.
Boomstick: But don’t worry, Jack’s no pushover. In the world of Fables, a Fable’s power is measured by how popular he is in this world. So if a Fable has an animated film in Disney or Dreamworks, you bet they’ll be powerful as Hell. And Jack, who’s one of the most popular Fable around, is way more durable, stronger, and faster than an Olympic athlete. He's strong enough to lift and send grown men flying, and fast enough to tag both the revolutionary Goldilocks and the legendary Bigby Wolf.
Wiz: But his greatest power is his “nigh-invincibility”, which he could have gained while creating a film trilogy about himself to increase his popularity in the real world, or after tricking numerous versions of the Devil such as Lucifer, Chernabog, Nick Slick, and Pan into increasing his life. With this invulnerability, he is unkillable to virtually anything that is thrown against him, such as being impaled, shot upon, exploded upon, ran over by traffic, etc. He's also survived magical attacks like being frozen and getting stabbed by Excalibur itself. He even got eaten by Godzilla and survived. Hell, not even the universe could kill him.
Boomstick: He’s also a capable swordsman of his own, as well as an expert in improvised weaponry. He once defeated a group of wooden assassins using only a wooden plank, defeated a trained knight with only a mop, and knocked out the Headless Horseman with a coal from Hell. Also, after arriving in our world, he also gained proficiency in firearms. He's able to gun down people in one quick draw. He's a decent fighter with any sword or firearm and is able to hold his own against everything from giants to zombies.
Wizard: Indeed, Boomstick. But Jack also has some magic in him. Because of his popularity as a fable, magical things happen to him or around him. His magical nature was once powerful enough to even affect and reverse the powers of Mr. Revise himself, the personification of censorship who could rewrite reality and once bragged about killing gods. Jack once also unknowingly created a magical briefcase that could store anything. And, when in the presence of great hordes of treasure, could turn himself into a large winged fire-breathing dragon with premonition powers. Being a half-Literal, which is similar to a demi-god or some sort, Jack gained a tiny bit of reality-bending powers that allows him to summon anything, including the godlike Gary the Pathetic Fallacy, who's powerful enough to bring life to inanimate objects, or create whole damn universes. Also... he can break the fourth wall.
Boomstick: NO! Nononono. There’s no way we’re inviting another half-assed fourth wall breaker again!
Wiz: But Jack’s greatest weapon is not his fighting skills nor magic, but his wit. While his petty schemes tend to fail miserably, his unpredictable nature and sly cunning allowed him to beat godlike forces whose powers are beyond his. He can think on the fly and create strategies to beat stronger opponents. Not only did Jack trick Devils, he also outwitted the Literal gods of Fables such as Mr. Revise and the Bookburner, beings who could modify the universe as they see fit. He also defeated Lady Luck, a Fable who had the power to control luck.
Boomstick: If you think that’s weird? Jack once even did the impossible. He put Humpty frigging Dumpty back together. Not crazy enough for ya? Well let me tell you... after escaping the Civil War, Jack came across a Southern Belle who was dying of a disease. Wanting to fuck that girl before she died, Jack then waited for the Grim Reaper to come after her one night and trapped the LITERAL OMNIPRESENT DEATH ITSELF inside a magical inescapable bag (which by the way he won from a poker game with a devil!). And he did it all just to get laid!
Wizard: Although he had these feats and accomplishments, Jack’s not unbeatable. Most of the time, he’ll try to outwit his opponents rather than risk fighting them. And while he has no worries using his strength against anyone, he will get his ass kicked in times when he’s outnumbered or if up against a more physically dominating foe like Bigby Wolf, Beast, or Tomoko the Yokai. In most cases, he’ll rather run away from a battle like a wuss than fight it out.
Boomstick: Even though he’s indestructible, he can still shed blood, feel pain, or get knocked unconscious. Technically, he has a history of being killed at least 3 times, before and after he became invulnerable. Godlike Literals like Mr. Revise has the powers to kill him. Yet, Jack had always managed to get back up even after death. His artist and writers tried to get rid of him too by making him fat and turning him into a mortal dragon destined to be killed by his own son in the last arc. And even in that they failed. That’s how “unkillable” he is.
Wiz: In the final story, Jack finally got the life he always dreamed off. After getting captured by the Devils he had tricked before, they locked him up inside a universe of darkness and nothingness. To get out, Jack summoned and resurrected his friend Gary the Pathetic Fallacy, and used him to create a world where… as I quote… “he is king, everyone has a pet dinosaur, tacos are grown from trees, and every girl is buxom and in heat all the time.”
Boomstick: Mother of God…
Wiz: You got that right. All this just to prove, that whatever hurdles Jack comes across with, he’ll give a smirk, think of a plan, and con that hurdle of his money and dignity. (Whatever that phrase even means.)
"You make these things happen to you, you see. You're a walking bastion of strength and invulnerability. It creates a need in the universe. A need to give that strength a reason for existing." - Gary the Pathetic Fallacy.”
"Well have at it universe. I'm Jack Horner! King of all Fables! I can take anything you care to dump on me and return it with compound interest!" - Jack Horner.
Wiz: All right the combatants are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: It’s time for a DEATH BATTLE!
Battle[]
Jack Horner was strolling around in an ordinary Japanese market one day, whistling a funky tune and eyeing every kawaii girl he could see. He then spotted one good looking blonde in the vegetable section. That girl was none other than Saber, who was tasked by Shirou to buy some radishes for dinner.
Drooling over that babe, Jack immediately put on his deuce sunglasses and approached. Saber nonetheless ignored the jerk standing right next to her. "Hey girl. Wanna hear a sexy pick-up line?"
Saber said nothing, for she just didn't give a fuck...
"Are you an elevator?" Jack asked. "Because I really want to go up and down on ya." After saying that bullshit Jack laughed a mighty laugh that scared the shit out of the market patrons. Saber, visibly irritated, just looked at him and said "Go away. I have no time for this"
"What do you mean 'no time for this'? Can’t you see how good looking I am?" Jack said as he put his hand on Saber's shoulder.
Saber didn't like Jack touching her like that. Her casual clothes was suddenly and magically turned into blazing armor, and on her hand appeared an invisible weapon of pure death. "Get your filthy hands off of me, you mongrel peasant!"
This startled Jack, as well as the Japanese patrons whose eyes widened as they saw a battle about to happen. "Not this again! If it's not kaijus, or robots, or tentacle monsters, or yokais, or aliens, or bald guys, it's you petite girls who'll destroy this country again!" one Japanese man yelled. And they all ran away to escape from the upcoming carnage.
Though surprised by Saber's new form and change of clothes, Jack just smirked and readied himself. "Bring it on, I'm in a homicidal mood right now."
Grabbing his colt revolver, Jack fired at Saber, but the bullets just glanced off like pellets on her armor. Saber then made a quick dash to Jack, and stabbed her sword into Jack's guts. "Ouch, not the kind of penetration I was thinking off!"
Saber then picked Jack's body and threw him to a fruit stand, shattering it like it was made of legos. Jack then picked himself up and unsheathed his own saber. Saber then dashed with blinding speed, but Jack managed to parry her incoming slash, before pummeling her in the face, and shooting her point blank in the side of head. Saber retaliated by slicing Jack in the arm, making him drop his sword. Injured but undaunted, the now-pissed Jack kicked Saber off and made a pointy jab to her face. But Saber dodged it easily before using invisible air to send Jack away. Saber then dashed quickly on the stunned Jack and slashed him from the shoulder to the abdomen, making a huge fountain of blood from the Fable. She continued to make slashes and Jack couldn't do anything but block and yell. Saber then finished it with a spinning slash that threw Jack to the air like a ragdoll, before his body landed hard on the concrete floor.
"Your pathetic. Not even worth my time," Saber said before she sheathed her blade. To her surprise Jack just stood up and all of his wounds were gone.
"It ain't over yet girl. And by the way, your English subs are wrong. It's you're... not your" he said. He then used his reality bending powers to summon a giant jumbo plane that landed on top Saber, before retreating to think of a way to deal with his foe. Saber dug her way out of the debris and went out to look for him. The girl then sent a small beam of light towards Jack, and hit the Fable right in the back, exploding him and tearing his body to pieces in a golden flaming aura. Saber made a sigh and stabbed her sword to the ground. "Shirou...I will not fail... You will have radishes for dinner... I promise."
Suddenly, to her surprise, even that proved ineffective. Jack began to stand up, now even more pissed off than before. He summoned tommy guns into his hands and fired at Saber. Unfortunately, the young knight was becoming too weak to dodge. But suddenly, a white light appeared in front of her and blocked Jack's bullets. "Avalon!" she yelled, and the sheath blocked all of those bullets. Jack continued to pour everything, but Saber was soundly safe inside of Avalon. Saber then readied her Excalibur to finish him off.
"Damn it," Jack said. Saber unleashed another beam of light that critically hit Jack and burned away his skin. Jack Horner, weakened and lying on the floor, could only look at Saber, who was now ready to unleash her most devastating attack. The downed Jack could only look at the golden grail-killing beam of energy coming towards him. Undeterred, he used his remaining strength and reality warping powers to unlock his long lost burlap sack.
As the beam of light got nearer, Jack aimed the sack and yelled "Clickity-clack get in my sack!", and a powerful vortex engulfed the beam of energy. Saber couldn't believe her eyes, and Jack used the sack to suck Avalon inside as well. Saber used all of her strength and mana to prevent this, but all of her energy and effort was wasted as her weapon disappeared from her grasp.
Both combatants now eyed each other. Saber had lost tremendous amounts of energy with that attack, while Jack who had started to recover, was now even more weary of how powerful she was. Deciding to end this, Jack aimed his sack yet again, but Saber quickly dashed and sliced the sack off Jack's hands. Yelling in pain, Jack backed off and used his remaining energy to summon Gary the Pathetic Fallacy. "Hey Jack, what can I do for ya?" he asked.
"Do something about that mad woman!" Jack said. Gary then called forth the whole market to come into life and attack Saber. Everything from cars, buildings, and even utensils, gained monstrous powers and threw themselves against Saber. The King of the Knights tried desperately to fight them off.
Jack then commanded Gary, saying, "Gary, let's take this girl back to our universe, shall we?"
And with that, Saber and Jack got transported to a mysterious new dimension. "What is this?" Saber asked as her body started to feel warm and in pain. She then fell on the ground breathing heavily, clutching her body, and out of energy. The universe where they were at was something Jack and Gary co-created a while back, and they had full power over the place.
"Welcome to my humble abode, your majesty. I specifically designed this universe to make women like you feel weak and warm when I'm around," Jack said. He then raised his foot and aimed it at Saber's head saying, "Sadly I think you're not really my type. So now I bid you adieu, and for all those Saber fans out there, here's a picture of her in a bikini as a token of my apology..."
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He then smashed his foot down on Saber's face and everything else went to black.
Results[]
Boomstick: Call the police, because someone's waifu has just been domestically violated.
Wiz: While Saber severely beats Jack in terms of physicality and fighting skills, like in Deadpool vs Deathstroke, those can only prolong the inevitable when one is up against an indestructible foe. Saber is no doubt faster since she can literally dodge bullets and travel faster than the speed of sound, and would have defeated Jack in close-quarters fighting with her superior strength, better weapons, and Instinct A. However, there's not really much anything she could do to permanently kill Jack. Yeah, while the Excalibur can destroy a rather stationary omnipotent target like the Holy Grail, it's still doubtful if it can destroy Jack, who is written off to be plainly unkillable. And that's even if Saber can perform at her fullest, which will be difficult against a guy who has the ability to affect her magic.
Boomstick: This indestructability, coupled with reality bending powers and superior intellect, is the reason why Jack would have come out on top in the end. The best that Saber can do is knock Jack Horner out, or maybe kill him if he ever becomes a mortal dragon. But she just doesn't have anything to kill Jack quickly and definitely. She'll only end up wasting all her mana and energy trying to end this guy. Jack, on the other hand, could think of something to take Saber out. If this guy tricked devils and gods, a man-parading female knight wouldn't be a problem.
Wiz: Pendragon herself isn't really that smart or cunning. As a knightly king, she's too honorable and naive, making her very vulnerable to the trickster. Jack can either exploit her personality and weaknesses, or just use his reality-bending powers to summon his magical burlap sack, or more possibly, summon the godlike Gary the Pathetic Fallacy.
Boomstick: Looks like Saber just isn't "cut" enough above the rest.
Wiz: The winner is Jack Horner.
Notes[]
- Jack the Giant Slayer is actually part of the Arthurian Legend, the same legend where Saber came from. Both Jack and Saber came from the same universe of literature.