Introduction[]
Wiz: The human mind is a complicated and wondrous organ. A marvel of origins long debated.
Boomstick: What IS agreed upon, though, is that everyone's is different in some way. Like our two combatants.
W: American McGee's Alice Liddell.
B: Double Fine's Psychonaut Razputin Aquato. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
W: It's our job to analyze their armor, weapons and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Alice[]
W: Everyone knows the story of 'Alice in Wonderland', right? It's a classic of American literature and has spawned several movie adaptations. For better or worse...
B: C'mon Wiz, you know people don't read anymore. We have cable television and the internet. Anyway, forget what you know about those beloved stories because American McGee's version has a very different, much darker plot. Alice's home caught on fire, and her entire family perished in the blaze. The resulting emotional trauma broke her mind, and she was sent to an asylum.
W: In a vain attempt to deal with the trauma, she regressed into a fantasy world. A twisted version of Wonderland, starring all the memorable characters, but a lot more violent.
Base Abilities[]
B: Alice is a capable crazy woman. She can use her dress to ride vertical vents of air, use butterflies to quadruple jump and float on the wind, temporarily morph into a cloud of butterflies to dodge attacks, and shrink herself down to no more than a foot tall to fit in small places.
W: Shrinking down also allows her to see invisible images and platforms to find secret collectibles and hidden passages, but it seems to have no real use in combat.
B: However, she can use a variety of temporary powers to aid in, or completely avoid, fights.
W: Such as her Rage Mode, which quadruples her damage output.
B: Or she can increase her jumping abilities with...Grasshopper mode?
W: Admittedly weird, but it's Wonderland. Less strange is her ability to turn invisible by looking in a mirror.
B: She can even turn giant and stomp enemies, including powerful ones that would have normally presented a hazard, into a stain on the ground.
W: However, all those powers require an activator, such as a perfume vial, piece of cake, or mirror.
B: Although she does have one power that doesn't rely on items. Hysteria Mode. Much like Rage Mode it vastly increases damage output with the added bonus of providing invincibility for as long as its activated. On the downside, it can only be activated when her health is dangerously low. Unless...
W: We'll get to that soon enough.
B: Alright.
Armory[]
W: With such a violent world comes a variety of means to combat it. Take, for instance, her main weapon: The Vorpal Blade.
B: It's not a typical sword. It's more like a standard, yet large, kitchen knife, but it's fast and effective at close range.
W: She also wields playing cards and a large Pepper Grinder, both used for rapid, but weak, long range attacks. The playing cards can also be thrown separately or in a shotgun-like spread that homes in on a target.
B: Then there's her croquet mallet, which is both a melee weapon and a long-range weapon, capable of launching croquet balls at distant targets.
W: Another melee-oriented weapon she wields is her Hobby Horse for slow but powerful attacks.
B: Then she has Jacks which bounce around and tear enemies apart.
W: Next up is her Ice Wand that can create walls of ice and shoot freezing wind.
B: She can summon one of three demons of different strengths with her Demon Dice. Best not used when alone.
W: In terms of explosives, she has Jack Bombs that can spout flames and are usable against mid-range targets, and Clockwork Bombs she places down and can detonate at will or wait a few seconds for it to explode on its own.
B: Now lets get into her more potent weaponry, like the Teapot Cannon which shoots a hot ball of tea and kills weaker enemies in one hit.
W: Or the Jabbawock Eye Staff which can shoot a beam or summon a meteor storm of powerful energy.
B: My personal favorite is her Blunderbuss, a gun that causes an explosion when she fires it! Sweet!
W: Next up, she has something called the Deadtime Watch, an item that allows her to stop time for 20 whole seconds.
B: On four of her weapons, there are DLC variants that boost the weapons effectiveness.
W: The Vorpal Cleaver, when used, halves damage taken from enemies. The Octo-Grinder holds more ammo than the standard Pepper Grinder.
B: The Knightmare, a Hobby Horse variant, heals Alice slightly with each hit, and the Catnip Cannon does 50% more damage.
W: Finally, she has an Umbrella.
B: An umbrella?
W: Yes, an umbrella.
B: For what?
W: To block and even reflect enemy attacks.
B: That not enough for you? Well she also owns several different dresses, each with different effects, such as her standard dress which heals her while she's shrunk.
W: Her Steamdress makes breakable objects drop more Teeth and Roses (which, for the record, are used to upgrade her base weapons and heal her in Madness Returns, respectively) somehow.
B: Video game logic. Anyway, by the same token her Siren dress makes enemies drop twice as many Roses, and her Silk Maiden dress makes them drop twice as many Teeth.
W: Her Cheshire dress prevents enemies from dropping Roses at all. The Royal Suit dress limits her health to four Roses total.
B: The Misstitched dress allows her Shrink Sense to last twice as long, and the Caterpillar dress makes it last forever, even when she's not shrunk.
W: Her Checkmate dress doubles the damage all her weapons do.
B: The Fleshmaiden dress allows her to access Hysteria at any time. Remember the 'Unless...' from earlier? This is what I was thinking about.
W: The Late but Lucky dress heals her in the same way her normal dress does, but at all times. Not just shrunk.
B: Finally, her Hattress dress protects her by making her lose Teeth instead of Roses. That is quite the arsenal.
W: Indeed.
Weaknesses[]
W: Although she's armed to the teeth with weapons and outfits, none of it translates into the real world.
B: It's all in her head. Everything from the characters, enemies, and praying-mantis-geisha statues is a figment of her fragmented psyche.
W: In real life, she's not much more than a crazy woman who regularly suffers from odd hallucinations.
Raz[]
W: Even though he is the son of gypsy circus performers, Raz dreamed of going to a camp for psychics and eventually becoming a Psychonaut; a person who delves into the minds of others on secret missions.
B: Like Leonardo DiCaprio in Inception?
W: Yes...but not with dreams, per-say. Instead he deals with people's memories and emotional baggage. However, his father was aware of his ambitions and, under his close watch, made him train in acrobatics to try to distract him.
B: Despite that, he managed to run away from the circus. He achieved half of his dream. The other half...we won't spoil it. Play the game if you want to know.
Abilities[]
W: Due to his acrobatic upbringing, Raz is proficient in platforming. Double jumping, swinging on horizontal poles and wires, traversing monkey bars, and climbing walls and vertical poles come easy to him.
B: He's pretty damn strong too, able to balance 100 pounds on just the tips of his toes...Holy crap!
Arsenal[]
W: Raz has an incredible arsenal of psychic powers and abilities.
B: These include Marksmanship, which lets him shoot mind bullets. Tenacious D would be proud. This ability can be upgraded to chain to up to 6 enemies at once.
W: He also has Pyrokinesis, the ability to light stuff on fire. It can be upgraded to cause an explosion which sets more stuff on fire.
B: Telekinesis lets him grab and throw enemies and can be upgraded to have greater range.
W: Clairvoyance is used to see through another's eyes.
B: His Levitation Ball gives him greater speed and better upward mobility, especially in conjunction with vents of air. It can be upgraded to do damage to enemies.
W: He can also summon a shield to protect him from attacks. It can be upgraded to knock back and damage enemies.
B: Confusion stuns enemies and can be upgraded to last twice as long.
W: Invisibility is self explanatory. Like Confusion, it can be upgraded to last twice as long.
B: Only two more abilities possible, one of which is Regeneration. This gradually heals him.
W: The last ability he could have is unlimited Psi. Both these abilities could be unfair, but Alice has regeneration abilities as well, and doesn't run out of ammo for the Pepper Grinder, Teapot Cannon, or Clockwork Bomb, so...
B: So we'll give them to him. He's not exactly invulnerable with said abilities, and it'll even the playing field.
Weaknesses[]
W: Raz is a powerful psychic, no doubt. However, he is debilitatingly afraid of something generally innocuous: Water.
B: Yeah, the lover of the Russian Queen can't swim.
W: What?
B: You know: .Ra-Ra Razputin Russia's greatest love machine.
W: You're an idiot. Anyway, his hydrophobia is rooted in an ancient curse laid down on his family.
Interlude[]
W: The combatants are set. Lets get ready to settle this debate once and for all.
B: We're going to make it so that they'll both be able to switch between their powers, weapons, and outfits on the fly.
W: We'll also be scattering items relevant and useful to them around the arena. That should make it interesting.
B: It's time for a Death Battle!
The Battle[]
Raz knocks on the front door of Rutledge Asylum. He was contracted to help the doctors with treating a patient. A few seconds pass before a nurse answers the door.
"Are you Rasputin?" The nurse asks.
"Yes ma'am. I'm here to help with an 'Alice'?" Raz replied.
"Yes, yes, follow me." She steps aside to let Raz in, shutting the door behind him.
She leads him to Alice's room and motions for him to go in first. He enters. The nurse follows suit.
Alice is laying in the bed, arms and legs strapped down. She was wearing a beige hospital gown. Raz walks over to her.
"Are you the one scheduled to 'help' me?" Alice asks monotonously.
"Yes." Raz simply answers.
"You're a child." Alice points out. "What kind of a child has the training and knowledge to offer psychiatric treatment?
"Ma'am, I'm a Psychonaut." Raz replies. "It's my specialty."
He reaches into his pocket and takes out a tiny door.
"What is that for?" Alice asks.
"You'll see." Raz responds simply.
Raz places it on Alice's head. The small door swings open and the passage glows. Raz puts his goggles down over his eyes as his Astral Projection enters Alice's mind.
(Wonderland, Alice's Mind)
Raz is falling from the sky. He activates his Levitation Ball to slow his descent and softly lands on the ground. Around him he sees a peculiar sight. Giant domino pieces, huge dice, and unfamiliar flora and fauna. There's even a statue of Alice, hands at her cheeks and water flowing from her eyes.
"This place sure is strange." He says.
"'This place' is Wonderland." Alice says from behind him. Raz turns around. Alice is wearing a blue and white dress and knee-high black leather boots instead of her hospital gown. "Right now you're in the Vale of Tears. And I highly suggest you leave."
"That's not gonna happen. I have a job to do."
"Suit yourself."
Alice brings out the Vorpal Blade. Raz places his left hand against the side of his face, ready to use his Psi Powers.
FIGHT!
Alice charges at Raz. Raz fires a Psi Blast and it knocks Alice backwards. As he goes to fire again Alice morphs into a cloud of butterflies and dodges forwards and to the side, making him miss while she closes in. Raz tries again, but with the same result. Alice reforms next to him and slashes at him, making a cut on his arm. Before he can adequately react, she lands a few more strikes.
As Alice goes for another combo, Raz kneels down and summons his shield. Alice makes contact and gets damaged and thrown backwards. Raz deactivates his shield and turns invisible. Alice gets up and looks at where Raz was. Seeing he's no longer there, she looks around. Then she's hit three times by big, translucent orange hands. The final hit launches her back.
As she hits the ground, she feels herself being lifted into the air. She sees Raz standing in front of her.
"It's over. Just let me help you." Raz says.
"Over my dead body." Alice responds. She morphs into a cloud of butterflies again to break free and get closer to Raz. As she reforms, she brings out the her Croquet Mallet and hits him with it like it was a baseball bat.
Raz is launched back. He lands on the ground and gets back up, dazed. He looks at Alice and notices she's sporting a new red and white checkered outfit with what look like horse heads as shoulder poofs. She's also holding a small, flat rectangular object in her hand. Before he can even begin to speculate what it is, she throws it as well as several others and he's being pelted by them.
"Ow ow ow ow ow!" Raz exclaims. He activates his shield again and the attacks piddle away harmlessly on his shield. Then the onslaught stops, so he deactivates his shield. He notices one of the objects lodged in his helmet, grabs it, and recognizes it. "Playing cards?"
He looks up towards where Alice was and sees a cloud of butterflies coming at him. He backflips away as Alice reforms and barely misses hitting him with the croquet mallet.
Raz takes out a Confusion grenade and throws it. Alice dodges backwards in a cloud of butterflies. The grenade explodes into a yellow cloud.
"You're going to have to try harder than that." Alice taunts.
Raz says nothing. He shoots a Psi Beam at Alice. It hits her and she flinches. He shoots another one, but Alice dodges to the side. She continues dodging as he continues firing.
Alice takes out her Croquet Mallet and launches a croquet ball at Raz. He flips to the side, dodging it. He reciprocates with another Psi Beam, which Alice dodges.
"I'm going to need a distraction." Alice mumbles to herself. She takes out two large dice and throws them.
From the dice, a demonic creature appears. It looks at Raz, and then it starts shooting at him with offensive magic.
Raz activates his shield to defend from the attack. Alice goes around to get ready to attack Raz from behind. She gets out her Hobby Horse and aims a strike. Raz's shield holds for a good time, but it finally gives out after a few seconds. The demon disappears as its summon time also reaches its end.
Alice swings the Hobby Horse and it hits Raz. Raz flinches. She hits him again, then brings the Hobby Horse down in a crushing blow which almost flattens Raz as it hits. Alice feels moderately refreshed.
As Alice goes for another attack, Raz rolls to the side then springs up. He hits Alice with giant orange Psi hands and pushes her back again.
In the blink of an eye, Alice's outfit changes. She is now wearing a top-hat with bunny ears on it along with a matching dress and bunny feet.
Alice takes out her Teapot Cannon and fires a ball of hot tea. Raz flips out of the way and the projectile breaks some snail-shells nearby.
Out of of them drops a red and a blue vial, as well as some translucent symbols. The symbols bounce to Raz as he retreats a few paces, and Alice runs over and collects the blue vial, then the red vial sprays her.
Alice is engulfed in a red aura, and she grows long horns and claws. Taking out her Vorbal Blade, she turns to Raz and gives chase. Raz turns around to see Alice in her new demonic form running at him. He shoots a beam and it hits her, but she doesn't flinch.
"Crap."
Raz summons his Levitate Ball, jumps on top, and begins rolling away. Alice can't keep up, so she aims at Raz, and throws the Vorpal Blade.
The blade slashes Raz's back, and he falls off the ball. The ball dissipates. Raz groans in pain, and his breathing is quick and shallow. He struggles to get up as Alice draws nearer. As soon as he's standing, he turns invisible and moves away.
Alice, angry that she lost her prey, roars, and her Rage Mode fades.
Behind a tree, Raz deactivates his invisiblity and waits as he recovers health.
"Where are you, boy?" Alice growls as she scours the area looking for him.
Raz's wounds gradually heal themselves thanks to Regeneration, and his breathing slowly returns to normal.
Alice's wounds also heal themselves thanks to her Late But Lucky dress.
Alice gets uncomfortably close to where he's hiding, so he goes invisible again and runs towards another potential hiding spot.
Unfortunately, he steps in a shallow stream of water and the splash alerts Alice. Her head snaps to look at the direction it came from, and she walks over.
'Dangit.' Raz thinks to himself. His invisibility turns off as he readies another Confusion grenade and throws it.
Alice reacts by taking out her umbrella and deflecting it right back at him.
For a moment, Raz is caught off guard, but manages to flip away before it explodes.
As he lands, he see's Alice with a new weapon in her hand. She points it at him and a blast of icy-cold wind hits him. He activates his shield to protect himself.
"Just how big is her arsenal!?" He asks himself. Alice stops firing the Ice Wand and approaches. She throws down some sort of rabbit toy near Raz then backs off.
Raz's shield runs out a several seconds later, and he sees the bunny stomping its feet, and the clock on its chest ticking down. Before he can react, Alice detonates it.
The explosion throws Raz back a couple feet. Raz manages to prevent himself from being knocked to the ground using his circus training. He sees another ball of hot tea heading his way, so he leaps away.
Raz sees Alice next to some more shells, and gets an idea.
Raz turns invisible, and Alice looks around to see if she can detect any signs of his movement. Raz waits until she's looking away, then focuses his power on the shells, which causes his invisibility to wear off. Alice doesn't notice as the begin smoking, and only becomes aware of anything when they explode in balls of fire.
The fire spreads to Alice, and she begins panicing. As she's distracted, Raz begins shooting her with Psi beams. The dual onslaught drains Alice's health at a rapid pace.
Then, just as it looks like Raz is about to claim victory, Alice screeches like a banshee. Her complexion becomes completely white except for the crimson red of blood staining her person.
Raz is taken aback at this new development and temporarily ceases fire. Raz only waits a second before continuing.
Alice doesn't even flinch as she quickly closes the gap between them and begins rapidly swinging the Vorpal Blade.
Raz's health is quickly drained, and he feels himself losing grip on his astral projection. The onslaught comes without pause and leaves no room for him to recover or respond.
Raz finds himself barely holding on as Alice's Hysteria Mode runs out. It's hard for him to even move.
Alice brings out another weapon for the final blow: The Blunderbuss.
Alice pulls the trigger, and Raz's astral projection is obliterated.
Raz falls backwards as his astral projection is booted out of Alice's mind. He is stunned for a solid minute before he slowly gets up.
"Well, I'm not going back in there." He says to the frightened and confused nurse nearby. He turns and runs out of the room and doesn't return.
Alice lays there in bed, a smile on her face.
K.O.
- Raz is back at the Psychonauts headquarters, reporting his failure.
- Alice is being put back into her straight jacket.
Conclusion[]
B: Holy fucking shit! That was a bloodbath!
W: In the real world, this would be an easy victory for Raz, but in the mind, Alice wipes the floor with him.
B: Alice's powers far outweigh anything Raz could throw at her. Her Hysteria Mode makes her invincible, and with the the Fleshmaiden Dress, she could access it at any time. Basically, she could be invincible for an indefinite amount of time.
W: To be fair, Raz's invisibility is more accessible than Alice's, and his shield covers him more, but those are about the only advantages he has. It just wasn't enough to fare well against the unstoppable onslaught Alice is capable of.
B: Looks like Raz needed to mind the gap.
W: The winner is Alice Liddell.