| Alexander Anderson vs. Jason Voorhees | |
|---|---|
| |
| Season 5, Episode 6 | |
Vital statistics
| |
| Air date | September 20th, 2015 |
| Written by | ParaGoomba348 |
| Directed by | Anonymous |
Episode guide
| |
| Previous | Next |
| Mega Man vs. Metal Sonic | Captain America vs. Albert Wesker |
[[Father Alexander Anderson vs. Jason Voorhees|
Father Alexander Anderson vs. Jason Voorhees]] is a What-If? Episode of Death Battle, pitting Alexander Anderson from Hellsing against Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th.
Description[]
Hellsing VS Friday the 13th! Which altered, obsessed, nigh-unkillable humanoid abomination will finally be slain?
Interlude[]
Wiz: Sometimes, horror antagonists will go out of their ways to kill, all the while being difficult to kill themselves.
Boomstick: Or, in this case, near impossible! Like Alexander Anderson, the Vatican priest of Iscariot!
Wiz: And Jason Voorhees, the masked killer of Crystal Lake.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: It's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win... a Death Battle.
Anderson[]
Wiz: We all know about Alucard, the near-600-year-old vampire who graced Europe.
Boomstick: But what about the man who spent much of his life trying to kill him? That would be none other than the Vatican priest of Iscariot, Father Anderson.
Wiz: Real name, Alexander.
Boomstick: Anderson's job, besides, y'know, priest stuff, is to kill the shit out of vampires!
Wiz: Using his holy weaponry and his extensive knowledge of the Bible, Anderson is a normal vampire's worst nightmare. In fact, he was considered to be completely unstoppable in this regard.
Boomstick: Until, y'know, Alucard.
Wiz: But Anderson wasn't going down without a fight. No, he solemnly swore that he wold tear Alucard to pieces upon their next encounter. And, well... that kinda never worked out. He almost did a few times, but never quite succeeded.
Boomstick: Anderson hunts vampires using a whole bunch of holy weapons, most notably his bayonets. These are bladed weapons supposedly made of silver, which is strange because he hunts vampires and not werewolves. But crazily enough, Anderson seems to have an infinite amount of these and can even hold five of them with a single hand!
Wiz: Stranger still, Anderson seems capable of manipulating the trajectory of the bayonets when he throws them, ensuring that they will hit their targets each time.
Boomstick: Oh, and he can carve scriptures into walls of buildings and trap vampires inside!
Wiz: Yeah, he can do that too.
Boomstick: But if he is ever to lose his bayonets... somehow... then Anderson always has his physical strength. Hell, he's tough enough to hurt Alucard with a punch, and that guy walks through gunfire all the time!
Wiz: In addition to Anderson's superhuman abilities, he is also of a certain type of superhuman known as a "Regenerator". If you guessed that that gives Anderson a healing factor... you're correct.
Boomstick: Anderson's healing factor lets him shrug off attacks that would kill an ordinary human, but it won't always save him because it's not quite on the same level of Alucard's. So if you were to remove his head, or his heart for that matter, he'd be dead.
Wiz: But Anderson's most prominent weapon in his arsenal isn't his bayonets, but rather an important artifact known as Helena's Nail. This nail, once thrust into his heart, transforms him into the eldritch abomination known as the Monster of God.
Boomstick: Sorry, Monster of God?! That thing looks like the spawn of Satan!
Wiz: This new form, in addition to deforming Anderson's body, it also increases his physical stats and grants him new powers. Most notably, he is able to control plants and fire in this new form, and is even able to cause Alucard pain. This also improves his regeneration by quite a bit, but still doesn't put him on the same level as his archenemy.
Boomstick: Hell, the plants he controls are tough enough to stop bullets cold in their paths! That's pretty badass if you ask me!
Wiz: Despite being a mostly regular human, Anderson has managed to accomplish some very impressive feats over the course of his vampire-hunting career. He has cut a subway in half, dodged bullets, kept his body in good condition past his prime, and almost killed Alucard.
Boomstick: Too bad Alucard doesn't let monsters kill him! Kind of a shame, Alucard would have loved to have been killed by a human.
Wiz: However, perhaps his obsession with Alucard is his greatest weakness. See, Anderson's job and his religion makes him generally unable to employ more pragmatic means of killing his opponents, instead deciding to kill them in more traditional ways. His fixation with killing Alucard also hampers his smarts quite a bit, making him less than the best strategist.
Boomstick: But hey, he can cut a subway in half with his bayonets! Besides, I wouldn't mess with the guy who almost killed Alucard.
Anderson: I want nothing more than to be a bayonet; a bayonet wielded by the hand of God. I would have been happy to be born a storm, or a divine threat; a mighty explosion or even a terrible hurricane. A divine force of nature without heart or pity. And if this relic can transform me into such a thing...then I am happy to abandon my humanity.
Jason[]
Wiz: Silent. Murderous. Deadly. Donning a hockey mask and wielding a machete, Jason Voorhees is one of the most feared fictional killers of all time.
Boomstick: But before Jason was this vicious killer, he was a weak kid with a really big head and a mental disability.
Wiz: ...Boomstick, that's actually kind of-
Boomstick: Hold on there, Wiz! It says here that Jason actually WAS mentally challenged! Shit, Wiz, this isn't Tumblr!
Wiz: I was actually going to say, that's actually kind of putting it lightly. See, Jason had a cranial deformity known as Hydrocephalus, or excess water buildup in the cranial cavity. This is what enlarged Jason's head.
Boomstick: Becuase Jason had a mom as crazy as my ex-wife- wait... hold on, Wiz... remember that son my ex-wife said I had?
Wiz: Uh, yeah, the one with a big head- oh... well, this got awkward.
Boomstick: Yeah... well, let's see if I can get over that. Anyway, Jason was sheltered at home all his life, and wasn't even allowed to go to school. Probably because his head was too big to risk getting any smaller.
Wiz: Uh, what?
Boomstick: School makes you dumb, okay?!
Wiz: But... you never went to school...
Boomstick: I hate you, Wiz. Well anyway, Jason was sent to some place called Camp Crystal Lake after my ex-wife couldn't pay a babysitter enough to watch him. But then because his head was so big, all the other kids made fun of him and chased him into the water, where he drowned because his head was so heavy.
Wiz: Shit, I'd imagine someone would have stopped them...
Boomstick: Well, that idea was kinda thrown out the window when the camp counselors were too busy banging each other. No seriously, that's what was happening. Ah, I would have loved to be a camp counselor.
Wiz: Well, a few decades after that incident, Jason's spirit returned from the dead to kill anyone and everyone at Camp Crystal Lake, every... Friday the 13th.
Boomstick: And people wonder why we hate that day.
Wiz: Jason is an incredibly formidable killer, being resilient enough to walk through straight gunfire like it's nothing. Not only is he exceptionally strong and durable, but he also has a healing factor that allows him to shrug off wounds as if they were nothing.
Boomstick: He like to straight-up murder his foes with a machete, slicing 'em to bits or outright hacking 'em to death. But if that isn't working for some reason, he can just use anything around him as a weapon! Or better yet, he can just rip a person apart with his bare hands. Awesome.
Wiz: In addition to this, Jason is also capable of teleportation. He is also effectively immortal, and he has an ability which allows him to resurrect himself from a spirit in case things are ever to go wrong.
Boomstick: Hell, he can even possess people!
Wiz: But just because he's a silent killer doesn't mean he's dumb - no, in fact, he's actually very smart. Despite his mental disabilities, he's shown to be able to fix complex machines, and constantly builds traps for his victims - and they work.
Boomstick: Jason apparently hates using guns though, which is a damn shame. However, there was that one time he used a spear gun, which is kinda weird.
Wiz: Thanks to Jason's toughness as well as his supernatural powers, he's accomplished a wide variety of feats. He's defeated Freddy Krueger in combat, he's regenerated from his head and limbs being destroyed, and even once regenerated from nothing but bits and pieces, and he's even survived the depths of Hell. And I kid you not when I say that Jason holds the world record for most onscreen kills by a horror slasher, with a whopping 158 kills under his belt.
Boomstick: Compare this to Freddy Krueger, who only has 43.
Wiz: Sadly, Jason isn't without his flaws. His mother's voice haunts his brain, but what's even more important is that he's actually very slow. While his teleportation lets him avoid this for the most part, he would lose a footrace to RoboCop.
Boomstick: But hey, world record for most kills.
Jason slashes off Freddy Krueger's head then walks out of the ocean with his head in his hand.
DEATH BATTLE![]
ParaGoomba348[]
The Vatican, Friday the 13th
It was a dark night in the Vatican. Things were quiet - a little too quiet.
Inside the Vatican was Alexander Anderson, who was sharpening his bayonets and reciting scriptures. Now that Alucard had been killed at the hands of Ghost Rider, Anderson was slightly more relaxed than normal.
There were no vampires around this time. Things were seeming to be quite peaceful.
Then, of all times, it began to rain.
"Great, it's raining," Anderson muttered. "Now I know something supernatural will happen because it never rains simply because of the weather..."
Then lightning crashed as thunder shook the Vatican.
"Yes, it's inevitable."
Suddenly, the door got knocked down as Anderson was face-to-face with the Crystal Lake Killer himself, Jason Voorhees.
"And what do you want?" asked Anderson, in a slightly deadpan way. Jason did not answer (well, he doesn't talk anyway, but you get the point). He simply raised his machete and glared at the priest. "Can I help you?"
Jason still did not answer. He slowly trudged toward Anderson. The priest readied two of his bayonets and wielded them with both of his hands. "You're moving a little slow. Perhaps you need a little... exorcise?"
Everyone reading just groaned at the pun.
FIGHT!
Anderson made the first strike, instantly stabbing Jason in the chest with a bayonet. Jason didn't even flinch as the bayonet pierced his chest. Blood began to drip down onto the ground, and then Anderson just stopped. The two of them looked each other straight in the eye for a few seconds.
"...Well this is awkward..." Anderson muttered to Jason. Jason pulled the bayonet out of his chest, then pushed Anderson to the ground. Jason swung his machete down at the grounded Anderson, who quickly rolled out of the way to avoid the attack.
The priest quickly got back up and pulled out five bayonets, then threw them all at once. They each skewered Jason in different parts of his body, but he still was unfazed as he began to pull one out of his head. As he was doing that, Anderson slashed at Jason across the chest, drawing more blood. Still Jason refused to even flinch.
Jason brought his machete down upon Anderson, who jumped out of the way before Jason could strike. Without any sort of warning, Anderson had disappeared from the building. Jason looked around for Anderson, rather confused.
Anderson, now outside of the Vatican, began to restlessly affix scripture passages into the walls of the Vatican while mumbling the scripture passages themselves. He then closed the door to the Vatican and locked it, knowing he had trapped Jason inside of the church. Now all he needed to do was wait for Jason to burn inside of the church as Anderson laughed in victory.
Or was it?
As Anderson was laughing, Jason pushed open the door of the Vatican, now outside of the building with Anderson. Curiously enough, Jason had healed from all of his wounds completely, and he had removed all of the bayonets from his body.
Anderson's victorious smile quickly faded and he huffed in anger. "Fine. Looks like we'll have to settle this some other way." He jumped up into the air and brought down his bayonets upon Jason, who raised his machete to block the attack. The two of them were trapped in a blade lock for a few seconds, but then Anderson kicked Jason in the chest and knocked him down onto the ground. Anderson landed back down onto his feet, and was now wielding more bayonets.
Jason began to get back up, but then Anderson grabbed Jason by his leg and prepared to slam him down onto the ground, but then suddenly Jason slashed Anderson across the arm. Anderson dropped Jason in the confusion, but he was mostly unharmed as his arm began to regenerate its skin tissue.
Anderson chuckled at Jason, who was now standing up to face him. "I have to say, you're a pretty good opponent..." Anderson said with a demented grin on his face. "But I won't rest until you're ripped to shreds!" Jason raised his machete and swung at Anderson, but suddenly the priest had disappeared again. Jason looked around in confusion once more, but when he wasn't expecting it he had been stabbed in the head by four of Anderson's bayonets.
Jason turned around to see Anderson wielding even more bayonets than before. Anderson rushed at Jason with his bayonets extended once more.
"God shall smite you with his wrath!" Anderson shouted, driving all of his bayonets into a single point. He laughed in victory, but then he saw that he hadn't actually hit anyone - or anything. He looked around in confusion himself, but before he could react, Jason began to sneak up behind him. Anderson turned around and barely weaved around a machete swing from Jason, but the machete grazed his shoulder as more blood was drawn.
The killer pulled one of Anderson's bayonets out of his head, then threw it at Anderson himself. Anderson pulled out one of his own bayonets, then slashed the one Jason threw and cut it right in half. Anderson then looked up at Jason and grinned.
"I should let you know, sinner. I'm one of God's personal servants!"
Jason seemed to roll his eyes as he just continued marching toward Anderson. Anderson then rushed at Jason and threw a powerful punch at his masked face. Jason attempted to catch the punch, but Anderson had punched too quickly and then Jason stumbled back. Jason punched Anderson back, the sheer force of the blow bruising his body. Anderson coughed, but was still wearing that demented grin.
Anderson then reached into his pocket and pulled out a peculiar nail. "See this? This is the nail which will transform me into a Monster of God. Feel Heaven's wrath!" Without hesitation, Anderson jammed the nail straight through his heart. He laughed maniacally as thorny vines began to warp around his body and he attained his super form - the Monster of God.
Jason lumbered toward the Monster of God and slashed at him with his machete, but Anderson suddenly raised a vine from out of the ground to counter. Jason made a slashing mark in the vine, but did not manage to cut through it completely. Jason continued hacking at the vine, but as he was distracted with that, the vine caught fire and suddenly Jason's jacket was set ablaze. Surprisingly enough, Jason still wasn't even reacting to the pain.
"You are a sinner! Repent!" Anderson shouted at Jason. He raised several more vines out of the ground, and sent a few to impale Jason through the chest. Jason fell down to his knees and dropped his machete - for the first time in this battle, he had truly felt pain. He grabbed the vines and attempted to pull them out of his body, but it wasn't working. Anderson crept toward Jason and then lit the vines on fire, the flames beginning to consume Jason. "Yes! Feel the pain of your sins! God's judgment is too powerful for the likes of you!"
Jason winced as the fire and vines continued to destroy his skin, his regeneration not being potent enough to keep him safe. After a few seconds, Jason began to fall down to the ground as Anderson retracted his fiery vines, Jason's body covered in slash and burn wounds.
Anderson crept toward the downed Jason and laughed, then recited a few scriptures out loud. "Clearly, God had no mercy on your soul." He began to walk away from the site where he had supposedly killed Jason, but then suddenly he fell down into a cleverly disguised, deep hole. He had fallen on his leg, and he could feel that he had broken it. He muttered something indistinct under his breath, but then suddenly became surprised to see Jason looking straight at him from inside, somehow regenerated from all his wounds. "But... how?! I became a Monster of God!" Anderson's leg slowly began to regenerate, but then Jason hacked at Anderson's chest with a powerful HACK!-ing sound.
"Agh!" Anderson winced in pain as blood began to be drawn. His durability shielded him from the blow, but he definitely felt it.
And worst of all, he could not move.
"You filthy sinner-"
HACK!
"You deserve no mercy-"
HACK!
"God won't spare you-"
HACK!
"Rot in Hell!"
HHAAAAACCK!
With one last swing, Anderson coughed as Jason had pierced his skin enough to make his heart visible. Jason dug both of his hands into Anderson's body as the priest screamed in terror.
RRRRIIIIPPP!
A wet, disgusting ripping sound was heard as Jason ripped Anderson's body in half. Blood splattered across the hole as Jason threw Anderson's halves on opposing ends, gripping the priest's heart. It still had Helena's Nail in it.
Jason teleported out of the hole, holding up Anderson's heart with his hand.
For Anderson, the day Jason graced the Vatican was the most important day of his entire life.
But for Jason, it was Friday.
K.O.!
Results[]
Boomstick: Well, add that to the list and Jason now has 159 kills! Good job, my son.
Wiz: While Anderson was initially thought to be superior to his opponent, it turns out that this wasn't the case whatsoever. Anderson may hold the speed advantage by a significant margin, but it really meant very little in this battle.
Boomstick: Jason matches Anderson's strength and toughness, and has way better regeneration! It takes Anderson a while to regenerate missing arms, while Jason can resurrect himself from nothing but ludicrous gibs.
Wiz: Anderson's holy weaponry is specifically targeted to hit vampires - so it's highly effective against vampires; not so much against anyone else.
Boomstick: Jason could also resurrect himself from the dead if Anderson managed to kill him, and Jason was also way smarter. Anderson has to abide by a Catholic code and often blinds himself in insanity, like my ex-wife! Jason, on the other hand, keeps a more level head and has, on many occasions, built traps for his opponents.
Wiz: Not even Anderson's Monster of God form was enough to keep Jason on his toes. Jason has managed to go toe-to-toe with Freddy Krueger, who can match Anderson in strength and durability and is much smarter. In the end, Anderson is just a slightly better human with good vampire-hunting weapons. Jason is a nigh-unkillable murder machine who can't even be called human in any way.
Boomstick: Anderson just didn't have the heart to kill his opponent.
Wiz: The winner is Jason Voorhees.
.png){kind=link}
