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Agent 47 VS The Spy is a What If? DEATH BATTLE and the 8th battle by NEWChristianthepupbot.

Description[]

47 Spying Faces

47 VS The Spy

Hitman vs Team Fortress 2. Behind all the boastful and energetic combatants lies the stealthy assassin. Which silent killer will claim superiority? Will 47 take out his target? Or is this just The Spy's victory in disguise?

Intro[]

(Music: Wiz and Boomstick)

Wiz: Through celebrity superheroes, dramatic villains and bystanders, there will always be the man of mystery.

Boomstick: Yep, and they may look classy, but these two mystery men aren't afraid to play with your trust and then show their true face and completely destroy you...Just like my ex.

Wiz: Agent 47, the hitman from Hitman...oh, I'm so sorry.

Boomstick: And The Spy, the spy from TF2. Thanks for being concerned for me. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.

Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armour and skill to find out who would win A DEATH BATTLE.

Agent 47[]

Agent 47 Infiltrates DEATH BATTLE!

(Music: Apocalypse)

Wiz: In the criminal underworld, there are no rules. You are allowed to be as greedy, murderous, and ruthless as you want. But there is one guideline.

Boomstick: If you see a bald man with a barcode at the back of his head, run. For he is no normal man.

Wiz: Indeed. For years, Otto Wolfgang Ort-Meyer, a German scientist, was fascinated by genetic manipulation. This fascination grew into an obsession with creating a human perfect in body and mind. The superior man.

Boomstick: This idea became a reality after the scientist befriended 4 guys. And they all coincidentally turned out to be criminal overlords later in life. Fitting that Otto chose their DNA, and his own, to create the base of his clone army. After trial and error, the most successful clone was created. It was named Subject 47.

_____________________

BACKGROUND:

-Names: Agent 47, Subject 47, Tobias Rieper (favourite alias).

-Age: 56

-Height: 6'2''

-Weight: 187 Ibs

-Greatest Hitman In The World

-Employed by the ICA

-Fathers: Otto Wolfgang Ort-Meyer, Frantz Fuchs, Lee Hong, Pablo Belisario Ochoa, Arkadij Jegorov

____________________

Boomstick: From the beginning, this bald kid was trained to kill. He spent all his timed locked in an asylum, and things were terrible. He got no friends, all his pets were dying. It was rough.

Wiz: However, Subject 47 did gain major training. As he was meant to be in a clone army, he was giving training in firearms, disguises, unarmed combat and other subjects. This, coupled with injections of various medications, turned the clone into an emotionless killer, exactly what the doctor was looking for.

Boomstick: However, it wasn't very good for Otto when 47 escaped. Now in a free world, Subject 47 took up what he was trained to do: Murder.

Wiz: His assassination skills were perfected in the asylum, so it was only a matter of time before his contract killing paid off. And it sure did as it caught the attention of the International Contract Agency, an organization of hitmen dedicated to the art of assassination.

Boomstick: The clone was already pretty good killer, so passing the tests with flying colors was the easy part, even if odds were against him. Look there's a lot of stuff about corporate sabotage and secret societies that we're not getting into because we don't have all day. Anyways, with all said and done, the world was introduced to not just a new hired gun, but the greatest hired gun money can buy: Agent 47.

___________________

Diana: That's...not a name.

Agent 47: So make it one.

___________________

(Music: Legacy)

Wiz: Agent 47 is one of the ICA's top recruited hitmen. His skill is unquestionable, managing to take down targets all around the globe and in most cases, not even being noticed.

Boomstick: I mean, that depends on how good you are at Hitman games. I prefer Russian stealth, no one is alive to notice him. Regardless, drug lords, celebrities, politicians, no one is safe from 47.

_________________

BASIC WEAPONS

-Handguns

-Sniper Rifles

-Sub Machine Guns

-Fiber Wire

-Knives

-Homing Briefcase

_______________

Wiz: Going in guns blazing isn't exactly what he's known for. 47 approaches each and every contract with intense preparations. He's been trained to observe his surroundings, thinking of penalty of execution methods on the spot. His favourite thing to play with is trust. 47 is an expert at stealing clothing and passing it as his own. His bald head and basic face also make it hard to see through these disguises, but even if he is called out, he's good at quickly hiding. But it's all too easy for him to lure a target into facing sense of security and ending them when they least expect it.

Boomstick: Disguising seems pretty pointless when you have a barcode on the back of your head.

Wiz: I never said they were flawless.

Boomstick: Yeah, disguises are cool and all, but that doesn't mean 47 doesn't have a good eye for guns. One of his favourites is the ICA19, a silenced gun that's very capable of hitting people where it hurts most: The head...with a bullet. But, if you like the loud, he also carries bigger weapons in briefcases. Need to kill someone from a good mile away? Try the Walther WA2000. Want some quick rapid fire action, MP5. Desire heads to go boom? Tactical Bartoli 12G. And that is no where near his full arsenal. Usually, he doesn't bring any except for a pistol and instead plays a fun game of "let's steal guns from the guards."

Wiz: But with 47, smaller is better. One of his favourite tools is the Fiber Wire. It's a terrifying fate that anyone turning around could face. Slowly being cloaked as your killer simply breaths emotionlessly behind you. Speaking of Melee Combat, 47 is a very good at improvisation, capable of using anything as a weapon.

Boomstick: Crowbars, axes, he may even find a good katana lying around. But as a silent assassin, a knife seems more useful.

Wiz: And Agent 47 by himself is a lethal weapon. He's been trained for unarmed combat, and can strangle anyone, outfight trained guards, knock out people and even snap necks.

Boomstick: But that's no where near his most powerful technique. Behold, Agent 47's ultimate weapon: THE HOMING BRIEFCASE!

______________________________

This Clip Plays

______________________________

Boomstick: Magnificent.

(Music: Hitman 3 Theme)

Wiz: Agent 47, while not much for friends, doesn't go it alone. Communicating through his ear is Diana Burnwood, a handler for the ICA. She plays the part of feeding 47 information on any and all information regarding hits and provide him with strategies.

Boomstick: She can do stuff like hack and check, but 47 is already guaranteed to know all there is to know about where ever he is. This is thanks to Instinct Mode.

Wiz: Instinct Mode is a state 47 can tap into, revealing secrets across the map. With it, he can see anything important to him. Bystanders, guards, and even potential weapons.

Boomstick: And he can even see them through WALLS! How the hell does that work?

Wiz: Well, we have to remember Agent 47 is not an average human. It's very likely this ability to see through walls comes from heightened hearing. His cloned body is also much stronger than your average, however, that will be covered later.

Boomstick: I wanna talk about weapons more!

__________________________

ADVANCED WEAPONRY

-Remote Explosives

-Proximity Explosives

-Poisons Emetic, Lethal and Sedative

-Throwable Items

-Rubber Ducks

-Murphy's Law

_________________________

Boomstick: 47 has all kinds of explosions and various delicious flavors. For example, the proximity can automatically blow up whenever the target or...well, anyone goes near it. Same with the Tripwire Mine. And he also has a sense of humor thanks to due use of the ultimate weapons: Rubber Ducks that go boom!

Wiz: He's also well equipped with poisons of all varieties. Sedative kinds may put you in a state of sleep. Emetic kinds trigger nausea and vomiting. And lethal ends your life right there.

Boomstick: And for the finale cherry on top, 47 carries remote explosives. He can use these to murder Diana's family...oh, yeah, that happened. Don't worry, they made up.

Wiz: even then, 47 endless arsenal doesn't stop there. Sometimes, fate itself bends in favor of him. Usually, key people will never show up to important events, or the target's may be dabbling in dangerous acts where anything could go wrong. Of course, 47 won't kill you by simply waiting for things to go wrong.

_________________

FEATS

-Assassinated his fathers, who were all massive crime lords.

-Can take many rounds of gunfire.

-Stopped a doomsday cult from infecting the world.

-Survived this blast.

-Beat up a 7'6'' 440ib monster.

-Beat up a crowd of Nuns...sounds better with context.

-Shot back at armed goons before a bullet could hit him.

____________________

Wiz: 47 has taken down numerous challenging foes. All of his parents for one thing, as well as the Vice President.

Boomstick: As for the physicals, 47 is very capable of snapping necks and carrying bodies, and can change clothing shockingly fast. One of his best is surviving a rocket launcher blast from Sexy Nuns...Yeah Absolution was a weird game. Anyway, your typical bazooka has a blast power of 30 Million Joules! And the very rocket launcher took down his damn motel room.

Wiz: Though, it's hard to say if he actually could survive a head on rocket launcher, considering he jump away, a better method of finding his limits would be scaling him to the very people he was cloned from and the people he's bested.

Boomstick: Meet Sergei Zavortko, a brother of one of the people 47 was made from. One time he busted down a board and it took a lot of bullets to put him down for good.

Wiz: Following this calculation, his overall strength should be at least 5100000 Joules, making 47 very comparable to him. And regarding speed, he's very likely comparable to bullet dodger Masahiro Hayamoto. He even took down two bodyguards in just over 2 seconds.

Boomstick: Point is, he's the best of the best, taking down crime group after crime group like it's his day job, which it is. Though, even with those solid genetics, he isn't perfect.

Wiz: Agent 47 is not immortal, and can still succumb to bullets if shot enough. He usually requires a lot of preparation to make things go as planned and observant people are capable of seeing through his deceptions. Plus, he's not good around poisons, and has been knocked out by poison several times.

Boomstick: But even still, he's earned his reputation as the ultimate hitman and is ready to take down anyone for a reasonable price. So, if your someone with an enemy, be careful. You never know who's trustworthy and who's merely pretending to be.

________________

Delgado: Do what you do best, man.

47: You got it.

47 shoves a tattoo needle in his ear.

-Agent 47

The Spy[]

The Spy Is Right Behind a DEATH BATTLE!

(Music: The Calm)

Wiz: In The United States, 1968, an endless war is being fought.

Boomstick: It started with two simple brothers. Redmond and Blutarch Mann. Just like any crazy pair of brothers, they didn’t get along very well. However, this fighting just kept escalating.

Wiz: But, one day, against all odds, they decided to team up to do one thing. Out of love, they decided to convince their rich father to “buy most of New Mexico.”

Boomstick: They eventually moved there. But because Breaking Bad is the only good thing New Mexico gave us (this is a joke please I’m sorry New Mexicans) the father was angry.

Wiz: So, when he finally died, he left the brothers with a proposition. Share something for once. Share the land they convinced him to buy.

Boomstick: They started warring with each other almost immediately. One hired the best mercenaries in the world to win the land, and the other brother did that same thing. And they've been doing it for almost a century. That is until Team Fortress 2, where the most effective guns for hire showed their works.

Wiz: And one of their deadliest mercenaries does not come in the form of a mighty warrior. He is a masked man of mystery who you’ll only ever see when it’s too late. The Spy.

_______________________

BACKGROUND

-Name: Unknown

-Nationality: French

-Height: 5’11’’

-Employed by both RED and BLU industries.

-Ladykiller (Figuratively)

-Mankiller (Literally)

-Tie & Jacket cost $19000 USD (Over $140000 in 2021)

_______________________

Wiz: Inspired by a glitch in a previous Team Fortress game, Spy was created to shake up gameplay and sabotage whatever teams he’s on, and he’s done a great job at exactly that.

Boomstick: Ok, so, you’ve probably heard of the man of mystery trope, right? Well, this guy takes it one step further. WE DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!

Wiz: Indeed. Spy is an enigma. The most we know about his actual backstory is that he is french and is also very afraid of commitment. We’ll put a pin in that for later.

(Music: Right Behind You)

Boomstick: But you know what? Maybe it’s best to keep the past in the past. Let’s talk about the present, and, more importantly, Spy’s presence to whatever team he’s fighting.

___________________

EQUIPMENT

-Revolvers

-Knives

-Disguise Kit

-Invis Watch

-Sapper

-Fake Teeth

_________________

Wiz: The scariest thing about Spy is not his strength or his firing ability. While neither are to be underestimated, stealth is usually Spy’s greatest ally. While he is very capable of sneaking around regularly, his main arsenal greatly improves upon this.

Boomstick: One of his most reliable tools is the Invis Watch. This small watch can turn Spy completely invisible, undetected by the naked eye. He can sneak around anywhere quickly and barely anyone can notice. However, it does have a set time limit. This can be fixed by upgrading to the Cloak and Dagger, which runs on movement instead of time. Don’t ask me how that works.

Wiz: But, perhaps the most iconic weapons of Spy’s is the Disguise Kit. Real-life disguises in the CIA involve careful planning to turn an agent into a person that doesn’t exist, as well as changes to mannerisms themselves. But The Spy doesn’t follow these rules. He uses the Disguise Kit technology to shape himself into a person that already exists.

Boomstick: Spy can become any one of the 9 classes in TF2, but has also impersonated other people outside that usual line, implying that he can impersonate you just by looking at you. Face, height, voice and even speed all change when he switches sides for a quick moment. Ya know what I would do if I saw someone impersonating me?

Wiz: Kill them?

Boomstick: No, ask him where to find 2 more imposters, then we could start a band! Think about it; Boomstick and the Boomsticks!

Wiz: I’m sure you’d sound slightly better than a scratching chalkboard. *Ahem* With this tech, The Spy is very capable of entering heavily guarded fortresses and taking any information needed, as well as lives.

Boomstick: Yeah, guess which one he does more often. And thanks to the deadliest skill in Spy’s arsenal. Betrayal.

Wiz: Not too far off. While the TF2 mercenaries are pretty tough, Spy can still deliver deadly blows. His personal favourite weapon? The Butterfly Knife. One piercing blow to the back of the neck and the entire body of the poor recipient ceases to function. Death. A literal stab to the back.

Boomstick: He’s just like my ex-w...you know, you probably get it by now. Anyway, that butterfly knife isn’t the only sharp thing in Spy’s kit. For example, the Sharp Dresser is a blade Spy can wear on his sleeve.

Wiz: Though these can sometimes lead into the bizarre. Your Eternal Award is a knife that can instantly change you into the last class you backstabbed with it. The Kunai can be used to channel Spy's inner vampire and steal health. And the...ugh...the Spy-cicle, which turns victims to ice. And I thought your jokes were bad.

Boomstick: You know, this stuff seems pretty advanced for taking place half a century ago.

Wiz: Oh, that’s because, in the TF2 universe, there’s a metal called Australium, a fictional metal that made Australia heavily futuristic in the 1890s. While Spy’s equipment isn’t exactly made from Australium, prolonged exposure does increase intelligence, among other things. So this metal is technically responsible for his cloaking.

Boomstick: Damn, you hear that Australia? You could save humanity if you got your hand out of the vegemite jar for-Why did we just lose 15% of our viewers?

Wiz: Shit! Um, never mind that! Gun time!

(Music: Red Bread)

Boomstick: OOOOOH! Gun time! Yes, for a quiet guy, Spy sure loves his revolvers. From looks alone, Spy seems to have a soft spot for a black Colt Python. This six-shooter designed for both ranged and close combat, and a great backup for spy if things go south. He has a good amount of different types of revolvers, though listing them isn’t needed. Most of their properties revolve around gameplay instead of unique combat abilities. So they wouldn’t really be suited for a VS Debate like this, but it does prove he’s a sharpshooter.

Wiz: One of his most pesky weapons to deal with, especially if you’re playing Engineer, is the Sapper. It disables a lot of the technology across a base. It also comes in many forms, including the Ap-Sap, which is just Wheatley from Portal, and...a loaf of bread with teeth. It’s a long story.

Boomstick: And Spy’s trickery doesn’t end there. The Dead Ringer is a tool designed for fucking with the enemy. While holding it, Spy can cheat death simply by launching out a dead body double and turning invisible. Honestly, this guy is fake as fuck. Even his teeth are fake...Wait, those have food in them? Imagine what I could have had in my teeth instead of plaque.

Wiz: He truly is a master of deception. As well as one other thing.

Boomstick: Yo Mama Jokes.

_______________________

Spy: If you killed them, I assure you, they were nothing like me. And nothing...nothing like the man loose inside this building!

Scout: What are you? President of his fan club?

Spy: No...that would be your mother.

*BLU Spy lays down photos of RED Spy and Scout’s mom*

_________________________

FEATS

-Has infiltrated numerous bases undetected.

-One of the most intimidating classes to deal with in TF2.

-Possibly the best assassin in the world.

-Killed a very large criminal with ease.

-Threatened to kill an entire courtroom.

-Survived being hit through a door (that Scout is actually Spy).

-Casually talks after being shot through the kneecap.

____________________________

Wiz: It’s been stated that the Mann Brothers hire the best of the best, meaning it’s likely Spy is known to be one of the best mercenaries in the world.

Boomstick: With all he’s done, there isn’t much contradicting this. He’s a master of stealth, silent killings, and other things as well. He’s managed to prove that he can hold his own in hand-to-hand combat many times. Of course, finding some direct limits are actually pretty hard. It’s scaling time!

Wiz: As for speed, we know Spy has proven to match the Sniper, who seems to be capable of reacting to gunfire. And seeing as Spy is in the middle of the battlefield most of the time, it wouldn’t be unlikely that Spy is a bullet timer.

Boomstick: But what about the meat of VS: Power? Well, despite his skinny frame, Scout’s a pretty good benchmark. Spy could technically scale to any of the classes given that he stabs them daily, so it’s justified. Scout’s best durability feat comes from here, when he took 3 rockets that created this explosion. And it’s...really hard to pin down.

Wiz: Yeah, we’re not real Wiz and Boomstick and the author flunked math, so we go off Calcs. Some calcs put this explosion at 0.1 tons of TNT, others say surviving it only equates to around 5 Million Joules. It doesn’t help that these rockets usually obliterate classes that are far tougher than Scout, though in game, many mercs can take explosions.

Boomstick: But regardless of that, Spy has proven himself to be an incredible assassin when it comes to war. Though, he isn’t without flaws.

Wiz: The cloaking and disguising does have a major design flaw. While cloaking or impersonating, Spy cannot attack. Even worse is that being hit in a disguise will cause it to deactivate, and things like liquids and fire can paint a clear picture of where the Spy is. He also comes off as cocky to a lot of people. And, of course, there’s his greatest fear...responsibility.

Boomstick: Yeah, remember that Scout guy we mentioned earlier, and the yo mama joke. That wasn’t some Xbox Live complaint, Spy was actually his abandoning father...Wait, does this mean Spy has to kill his son several times a day? Jesus.

Wiz: It wouldn’t help that they both hated each other’s guts outside of combat. But despite it all, Spy was proud of his son, even if the feeling wouldn’t be mutual.

Boomstick: That's nice.

Wiz: "That's nice?" No comment about your own dad or trauma or whatever Season 8 is trying to be?

Boomstick: Comment about my dad? Um...not feeling it.

Wiz:...Huh...alright...

Boomstick: Even seeing his son’s death, he knew Scout wouldn’t accept that he’s related to Spy. So he disguised himself as singer Tom Jones, Scout’s idol, so he could be happy in death...Awww, sniff, this was supposed to be the funny series where the funny russian man say sandvich, I didn’t want to get emotional.

Wiz: Indeed. But, even with that sad scene, Spy isn’t someone to mess with. Intelligent, strong, and sneaky; he’s the last person you’d want anywhere near your team. If you believe a spy is in your base, watch your back, have a gun ready, and most importantly; trust no one.

______________________________

Soldier: Alright, who’s ready to find this spy?

Spy: Right behind you.

-The Spy

47 Spying Faces[]

Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set, and we've run the data through all possibilities.

Boomstick: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!

Wiz: What?

Boomstick: What?

________________________

It was a quiet day in the BLU base. Not many people actively tried to steal the briefcase full of intelligence. With the uncharacteristic lack of war around 2Fort, it was very easy for certain people to get in.

Down at the bottom of the base is a room with two long halls of entrances. In said room was the BLU Briefcase held by a desk. Tasked with guarding the Intel was a western man in a hard hat and his robot equipped with guns. Assisting him was an unknown person in a strange gas mask.

What they didn’t know was that someone was sneaking outside of the room. Someone undetected and unharmed thanks to the uneventful day. He cocked his ICA19 Silenced Pistol and slammed his back against the wall, near the hallway leading to the room. His name? Agent 47. A buzzing was heard in his ear.

Diana: 47, one of the cases the client requested should be in that room. However, I’m detecting two guards in there. If we can look around more we may find a...what in the world?

Agent 47: What is it?

Engineer: Spy sapping my sentr-AUGH!

The sound of sparks flying everywhere filled the room as an explosion was heard. Back into the intel room, the machine had been completely broken, and its builder laid dead on the ground with nothing but a knife wound. The gas-masked man then technologically transformed into a ski-masked man. The Spy in red suit and mask. He walked behind the front desk and grabbed onto the briefcase.

Just as he was about to retreat to RED Base, he heard a gun pointed from behind him. The Spy looked from the desk to his front, and faced a bald man threatening him with a pistol. He smugly lifted the briefcase.

Spy: After this, I presume.

Agent 47: Indeed.

Diana: That’s...I don’t know who that is. Best to keep careful 47, we wouldn’t want witnesses now, would we?

The Spy attached the briefcase to his back and pulled his revolver. The two pointed their guns at each other from across the desk, ready for their opponent to make their first move.

Agent 47: Drop the briefcase and we can end it here.

Spy: I did not come all this way just to follow orders from an imbecile like you. You want this case? Pry it from my cold dead hands.

FIGHT![]

(Music: Burly Brawl - Matrix)

BANG!

The two impersonators shot their guns at the first chance. The bullets collided with each other in mid-air, and then fell. 47 continued pulling the trigger, and two pistol bullets flew to Spy, who was still behind the desk. He swiftly moved out of the bullet’s ways and fired back, but 47 dodged his revolver’s shots. When 47 aimed back at the desk, Spy was nowhere to be found.

From behind the Hitman, a masked man readied his knife. Spy had used his time to move from the desk to the back of 47. The Spy swung his knife down at the agent, but 47 heard it coming, and turned around, catching the Spy’s swinging arm and preventing a backstab. The Spy didn’t give up, and used his foot to kick 47 in the gut.

The agent stumbled back, and so Spy swung his knife at the man, but the hitman simply moved his face out of the way. Agent 47 then punched Spy in the face, knocking him back. As Spy was recovering from the punch, 47 aimed his gun and shot, but Spy simply stepped out of the way and pulled his own revolver. He dashed to 47 and pointed the gun at his head. The bald man moved his head before the bullet could hit.

BANG!

The noise of the loud revolver firing right next to his head quickly got to him, and he covered his ears quickly. They were ringing. For four seconds he was distracted and had his eyes closed. After the ringing stopped, he opened his eyes. The masked man was not in the room.

Diana: 47, he’s escaped...but...it seems he's waiting for you in the next room over.

Agent 47: Got it.

The hitman quickly unclipped his gun and dashed down the hall, reloading on the way. He was now out of the intel room and into the locker room of the basement. He turned his head everywhere he could, but no one aside from himself was in the room, no matter the direction.

Agent 47: I don’t see him.

Diana: I’m reading that he is very much in the room with you. He should be...RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

47 heard this warning and quickly dodged to his right. The hand with a knife missed, and the agent quickly looked back to see the Spy once again with a failed backstab. He pointed his gun directly at the Spy.

Agent 47: Diana, how did he do that?

Spy: I have my tricks. Sadly, you won’t live to see them all.

47 shot, but Spy dashed forward with his knife. Luckily, the agent dodged, and quickly holstered his pistol. He grabbed onto the Spy’s arm with both of his hands, trying to dislocate it or disarm Spy or something along those lines. Spy caught onto this and used his other available arm and a secret. He swung his arm and 47, and despite the hand holding nothing, 47 let go and stepped back from the Spy thanks to feeling a cut on his face. As it turns out, Spy had a sharp dresser, a blade on his sleeve, equipped.

Spy: Maybe after I’m done fucking with you, I could visit your mother instead.

As Spy taunted, 47 pulled out a fibre wire. Spy moved his knife to fence 47, but the hitman simply dodged out of the wall and ended up behind Spy. As quickly as he could, 47 wrapped the wire around the Spy’s neck before he could react. The Frenchmen felt the pressure from the attack, and felt himself losing air.

Agent 47: I don’t have a mother.

Spy choked and choked, oxygen seeping out, but he did still have an available hand. He pulled his butterfly knife and swiftly slit it against the fibre wire, cutting himself free. The merc then turned around and looked at the man who was strangling him. In the struggle, the briefcase had been dropped, and 47 picked it up. The agent adjusted his tie.

Spy: Hmph, all you’ve done is lost a hand for fighting. What do you intend to-

The agent then used his available hand to reach behind his back. From behind, he pulled out a...dead fish...out. He held it, ready to fight.

Spy:...What the-

SLAP!

The fish hit Spy directly in the face, sending him back a little. He then turned to 47.

Spy: Merde!

The merc looked back angrily and readied his hand and sleeve blade. He opened by rushing in, pointing his knife to 47’s chest. The assassin moved back a little, avoiding the stab. Once Spy pulled the knife back, 47 rushed in and slapped Spy with the fish twice. On the second slap, the merc raised his sharp dresser to 47’s hand, impaling the fish on his sleeve. The Spy then moves his hand, and the dead fish hits the wall and falls to the floor. 47 moved back a little to keep distance. Spy used his knife to get in a fencing state.

Spy: Now you’re disarmed!

Agent 47: Not exactly.

The agent held onto the briefcase, put both hands on it, raised the closed hands over his head, and threw the briefcase and full force. The briefcase travelled far above Spy’s head, and the masked man only laughed.

Spy: You throw like a one-eyed scot-

The intelligence then hit the back wall and immediately bounced back towards the two combatants. The flying briefcase then hit Spy in the back of the head, (BAP!) causing him to stumble forward. He was distracted.

The hit gave 47 the time to grab the briefcase, which he immediately put on his back. As Spy held the back of his head in pain, the agent clenched his fist and threw a punch at the masked man, and it landed. POW! 47 was about to land another, but Spy regained his senses and grabbed 47 by the arm. He pulled the hitman closer to his face and headbutted 47, knocking him back. Spy formed his hand into a chop and threw it at Agent 47’s throat, but the agent dodged backwards. Spy planned for this and launched a kick to 47’s gut as hard as he could.

SLAM!

The kick hit, and 47 held his gut in pain. Just before he was about to keep fighting, Spy grabbed onto 47’s right arm and spun him around. The Spy then threw 47, forcing him to stumble into a direction of Spy choosing. Spy chose the direction of the trash can, and the agent fell into it, knocking him and the bin over.

While on the floor, 47 was about to get up, when he saw something slide out of the knocked-over trash can. A black MP5 he had placed there earlier just in case. He took his chance and equipped the machine gun.

Spy readied his knife as his opponent laid on the ground. He’d gut him while he was recovering. But then-

RATATATATA!

Gunfire was heard from the lying man, as from the ground shot up yellow flashes headed towards the ceiling. This prompted Spy to step back by instinct, surprised by the bizarre strategy. 47 took this time to jump up and aim his gun at Spy. As he pulled the trigger, Spy started running.

RATATATATA!

The mercenary ran as fast as he could as bullets started hitting the ground near him. He ran past 47’s right and then leaped back to a wall near the ramp. Spy quickly pushed his back against the wall. He knew 47 would soon start shooting again, so he got an idea, and pulled out his disguise kit.

47 moved to the point where Spy had jumped, and quickly aimed his MP5 at the spot. The thing is, the man he was aiming his gun at wasn’t his opponent, but instead, a skinny man in a cap and a BLU shirt. The Scout. Spy was nowhere to be seen. Scout gave a grin to 47.

Scout/Spy: Common, chuckle nuts! Let’s go!

The agent took the request and pulled the trigger, but when he did, The Scout was already on the move, running from the bullets and towards the ramp room. Despite this, the bullets were getting close to his feet, but he managed to run long enough to get into the wall-protected stair room. The “Scout” put their back against the wall, planning their next move. As they did that, they heard a pair of footsteps. A black Scottish cyclops was running down the ramp.

The hitman was confused by the ordeal. He talked into the earpiece.

Agent 47: What was that about?

Diana: I have no idea. Appentenly, no one entered or exited the room while that occurred...Oh, an additional heat signal is by the sta... never mind, it’s gone.

The agent lowered his eyes in concern, but still focused on his mission. He started stepping towards the stair room as he reloaded the machine gun. Once close, Agent 47 readied himself to face whoever was in there. When he rushed in, pointing his gun at the staircase, he only saw The Demoman, back against the wall. He silently looked at Demo, and the nervous man slowly pointed his finger up the ramp, signaling that the Spy had gone up there.

The gun for hire nodded and started climbing the ramp, however, just as he was about to turn the corner, he thought of something. Why would this man direct him and not shoot him?

Agent 47 turned around to see that same Demoman walking towards him, holding a knife (Your Eternal Reward) high. However, the man seemed...unnatural. Distorted. The BLU Demo distorted and smoked into a RED Spy. Agent 47 went wide-eyed at this impossible trick. Spy simply laughed.

Spy: You’re acting as if you’ve never seen a man transform before. I’m guessing you don’t travel much.

The Spy spun his knife, ready to fight. His opponent realized his tech wasn’t important: surviving was.

Spy: I’ll fix that by sending you to hell.

Both combatants got their feet moving as they ran up the 2fort ramp. Spy was trying to get to 47’s back while the Agent was more focused on knowing when to turn than shooting at the Spy. That changed when, a few turns later, 47 could see a door up the ramp and not a wall. He quickly turned and started firing at Spy. RATATA. The masked man reacted to this and dodged by throwing himself against a wall, and throwing his knife at 47 as well.

Agent 47 dodged the flying knife, but it gave Spy enough time to dash in and grab the MP5 by the nozzle. He then pushed it back with force and hit 47’s gut with his abdomen. The injury forced the agent to let go of his machine gun, and Spy threw it down the ramp as it wasn’t quite his style.

The Agent recovered as Spy pulled down The Ambassador. BANG! He fired, but 47 moved his head and reached down his jacket while doing so, pulling out his silenced gun again. Pew. Spy dodged the small bullet. Both aimed at each other’s guns.

BANG!

Pew

BANG!

Pew

The bullets just kept hitting each other, no matter where the other aimed. As the two fired, 47 started stepping back. Spy stepped forward. This continued until 47 picked up the pace and went through the door backward, entering the second floor of 2fort.

Spy followed through that same door and aimed his gun at the Hitman. Both pulled their triggers.

Click.

Click.

(MUSIC STOP)

Both were out of bullets. They looked at their guns. Then they looked at each other. This was awkward.

Spy:...

Agent 47:...Should we-

Spy: -After you.

47 took the clip out of his gun. Spy undoes his revolver to replace the bullets. While reloading, they exchanged words.  

Agent 47: So, the suit?

Spy: Costumed-Tailored Louis Crabbemarche Jacket. What about that ridiculous barcode tattooed at the back of your head?

Agent 47: It’s a long story.

Spy: Then I’m no longer interested.

Diana: Ask him about the gadget, please.

47 noticed how close they were to finishing.

Agent 47: Too late.

Spy: Who are you talking to?

Agent 47: Nobody, let’s get back to work.  

The assassins finished reloading their guns and cocked, pointing them at each other. 47 lowered his eyebrows as Spy clenched his teeth. Both were ready to fire at any moment, but were waiting for the other to take the first shot. Spy grew impatient and decided he had a better way to end the fight.

(Music: Step Subspace Ver.2 - Super Smash Bros. Brawl)

The man’s body emitted smoke as his body started to turn transparent. 47’s blank face emitted a gasp as he saw this science fiction, and fired his gun to stop it. Pew. But the bullet simply passed through the door and into the hallway. Spy was gone.

47 immediately turned around, not wanting to be struck from behind. He fired his pistol, but the bullet hit nothing. He turned his head anywhere he could in all directions. The invisible man could be anywhere. As he tried to listen to footsteps, a girl spoke in his ear.

Diana: Your right.

The hitman turned to his right and fired. Pew. The bullet did not hit the wall, but lodged into the air as empty space bled. This empty space was revealed to be Spy’s shoulder blade. The mercenary uncloaked as he looked to 47, the gun pointed to his head. He fired, but Spy quickly dodged out of the way. He then looked at his watch, his cloak activating again.

Agent 47: That isn’t going to work. Where is he now?

Diana: Our mystery man really likes attacking from behind.

The hitman made a 180 turn and faced where Diana said the Spy would be. From the vacant space, something strange happened. A weird-looking box appeared out of thin air and was flying towards 47. Out of instinct, the hitman grabbed it. He looked at the sapper. Sparks started forming.

Zapzapzapzapzap!

Agent 47: AUGH!

The electricity took hold, disrupting the hitman, and it connected to 47’s ear. He felt the damage as the sapper disabled the earpiece he was using. Agent 47 then threw the sapper, but the damage was done.

Agent 47: Diana? Diana, do you read me?

No response.

Agent 47 was without Diana, however, he was not alone. The agent’s foe was transparent, vanished from thin air. He pointed his gun in front of him and slowly turned his body anywhere he could. The Spy could be anywhere. That’s when 47 saw a door while turning. A plan hatched in his mind. The hitman dashed through the door, out of sight.

Meanwhile, The Invisible Man crouched in the corner of the roof. He steadied his knife hand and watched 47 walk into another room. Now he had nowhere to hide. Spy slowly walked over to said door, ready to encounter the hitman one last time. As his invisible foot stepped into the wooden roof, he turned his head to see the bald man looking down at the hole in the floor.

Spy turned his full body towards his foe, preparing to stab, when heard something.

Squeaksqueaksqueaksqeak

Down on the floor near the door was a Proximity Explosive Rubber Duck.

SQUEAK!

BOOM!

(Music: This Theme I Don't Know The Exact Name Of - Metal Gear Solid 3)

The explosive went off, knocking Spy directly into a wall, injured. 47 turned around, now knowing his opponent had entered the building.

Spy: How is this not the weirdest arsenal I’ve seen?

47 grabbed him by the collar and proceeded to drag him. Once Spy regained consciousness and could fight back, it was too late. 47 threw Spy 5 feet and the mercenary went through the hole in the ground, landing on the ground floor of 2fort.

The Spy looked up and predicted exactly what was about to happen. So he rolled to his right. The Agent then jumped down to the same floor, landing on his feet. He was expecting to stomp on his target, but instead found nothing. Spy got to his feet and rushed with his knife.

Agent 47 pointed his pistol, but his arm was thrown off when Spy used his hand to throw 47’s gun arm away from himself. The hitman accidentally shot at nothing as Spy cracked his head back into a headbutt, and delivered, knocking 47 back.

Gunshots fired all around that room as the two were trying their best to actually shoot one another.

BANGPewBANGPewBANGPewBANGPewBANGPewBANGPewClickClickClickClickClickClick

That was until both had run out of ammo again.

Instead of politely waiting for each other to reload, both Spy dropped his empty revolver and dashed at 47 with a knife; The Black Rose. He slashed at his hand, causing 47 to drop his pistol. Spy then used this opportunity to dash in with Black Rose.

SHANK!

The blade hit 47 right in the shoulder, prompting him to step back and look at it in pain. But Spy wasn’t done. He went in and grabbed 47 in the collar much like he did to him, and threw him against the sidewall. Agent 47 hit the wall, and as he did, the intelligence fell off of his back.

Spy then swooped in, ready to finish the fight, but 47 saw him coming, and caught the chop he was about to throw. The hitman bent the Frenchman's elbow and backhanded him across the face. Spy then felt the hit and stumbled backwards, hitting another wall and sitting against it.

47 looked at his sitting opponent and pulled the knife out of his body. He pointed it at Spy.

Agent 47: Any last words?

Spy:...Yes…

(MUSIC STOP)

Smoke appeared around the Spy as he started to change shape. 47 stood shocked as the Spy changed his shape into a man wearing a hardhat. Just before 47 can question anything, he heard footsteps coming from behind.

Engineer: Fellers, that’s the Spy stealing out intelligence.

47 turned around to see a large man with a large gun, a doctor healing said large man and an Australian with a machete. The big man locked and loaded, ready to fight. 47 sensed he was screwed, and booked it down a different hallway, the Heady and Medic following him down it. The Sniper walked over to his teammate and helped him up.

Sniper: Come on, mate.

Engineer then stood to his feet, and Sniper turned his back to the briefcase on the floor. Before he could go to grab it, he felt a great pain in his back, as a Kunai had entered his spine. Spy stood there, fully healed.

Spy: Thanks, pardner.

The masked man smiled and grabbed onto the briefcase. He then exited to the tunnels that went into 2fort’s river underground.  

Meanwhile, in the hall, Heavy and Medic were running down as fast as they could, long past a medical cabinet recently placed there…

...The medical cabinet then crept open.

Spy walked through the tunnel, briefcase in hand, happy he’d finally got his score. He smiled to himself, remembering how he’d both defeated that annoying bald man and gotten the enemy team distracted. That feeling didn’t last, however.

Splash...splash...splash…

(Music: Wesker Theme - Resident Evil 4)

The Spy’s eyes pointed to his left. It was clear he now had one more problem. He turned around, only to find that same Agent, standing at the end Spy had entered through. He was holding a shotgun found from the resupply cabinet, and was not in a good mood.

Agent 47: It’s rude to leave without saying goodbye.

Spy: And it’s rude to show up uninvited.

The hitman cocked the shotgun. The Spy then threw the briefcase into the water behind him, that way, he had both hands. He pulled his gun in one hand and spun his knife in the next. He was ready for this fight. So was 47.

Splash! Splash! Splash!

(0:28)

Spy began running and running, getting close to 47. The hitman fired his shotgun-

BANG!

-But Spy saw the bullet coming, and quickly dodged to the right tunnel wall. He pulled his gun and fired. Bang! But 47 crouched out of the way and fired again. The bullet went between Spy’s running legs. He was getting close. 47 decided to give Spy what he wanted and ran towards him.

The masters of disguise dashed at each other until they finally met at the center of the tube. Spy raised his knife and brought it down upon 47, yet the hitman flipped his shotgun vertically towards his chest, guarding the stab. During the struggle, the agent kicked the Spy in the gut, pushing him away. He aimed his shotgun again.

BANG!

Spy moved to his left and shot his gun (Bang!), but 47 simply dodged with his head. The masked man drew his gun once again, but the bald man had a plan. Agent 47 let go of the shotgun’s fore-end and brought his hand to Spy’s wrist. He firmly squeezed it as hard as he could.

CRACK!

The RED Spy made a face of pure pain and let go his revolver, but 47 still held onto his arm. His wrist was broken. Spy still fought, and held onto his knife tighter. He slashed 47 directly in the face-

SLASH!

And the hitman brought himself back, letting go of Spy and the shotgun to focus on his bleeding face. Spy stepped back and looked at his wrist. It wasn’t completely broken, and the Medic could fix it. He spun his knife again as 47 got up, done recovering from his slashed face.

Spy was the first to move, and brought his knife down onto 47. The agent blocked it with his arm, stopping Spy's own arm. The two men pushed their arms as hard as they could, fighting for dominance. As their arms shake, Spy gets closer and closer. 47 then readied the fingers he had tucked behind his back.  

Spy: And stay dead this time.

Agent 47: Sorry, I can’t.

The agent then slowly raised his other hand, revealing Spy’s revolver, which he had stolen while recovering. Spy looked at it, shocked. 47 pulled the trigger, no emotion on his face.

BANG!

(MUSIC PAUSE)

The bullet flew directly through Spy’s forehead as the corpse was sent back flying away from the blast. The body then fell over into the water, dead. 47 looked at it, holding the revolver, the only alive person in the room. He slowly walked towards the case...when…

Splash…

(MUSIC CONTINUE)

From behind, he heard a noise, and turned around. He pointed Spy’s gun.

BANG!

The bullet glazed Spy’s right shoulder, ripping the suit. The cloak was undone, and Spy was revealed, using the Dead Ringer to fake his death. Spy used his working hand to clench his knife. 47 merely aimed his gun and fired.

Clickclickclick.

Or didn’t. He was out. Spy raised the knife and ran at the hitman. 47 dropped the gun and merely readied his hand. Once close, they took their arms and wrapped them around each other, crossing each other until their hands reached the other’s shoulder.

STAB!

(MUSIC STOP)

They held that position as they looked at each other’s eyes. In pain, 47 was the first to unlock his arm with Spy’s and stepped back. The butterfly knife was lodged in his shoulder. He made short grunts of pain as he held his arm. Spy smiled smugly.

Spy: Hmph. And your blade didn’t even hurt.

47 looked up at Spy, and grabbed onto the knife stabbed in him.

Agent 47: It wasn’t supposed to.

(Music: Nemesis - RE3)

Spy made a face of confusion and looked at his shoulder. He could see it. An empty syringe stabbed into him. He then felt a pain in his stomach, and something rising up. 47 took pride in how he emetically poisoned Spy, and quickly took out the butterfly knife from his flesh.

The masked man couldn’t take it anymore, and what he had eaten early slowly burst out of his mouth. He started violently vomiting into the water as 47 slowly walked past Spy, holding his own knife.

Agent 47: You seem to be feeling ill, so I’ll end our meeting here.

The agent turned to the Spy, almost done throwing up. He raised Spy’s knife over his back.

Agent 47: Au revoir.

DING!

The knife struck into the back of Spy’s neck, and the masked man lost all consciousness. Life left his eyes as he started falling forward, towards his vomit water. However, as he fell, 47 grabbed onto the Spy arm, stopping him from falling. As 47 held onto the dead Spy, he hatched a plan. We fade to black.

Diana: 47, we’re back online. Do you read me?

We fade into a man wearing a red mask and a red suit, pushing a naked arm into a medical cabinet. He slams the cabinet slams shut, and he turns his face away from the camera, walking away with a BLU briefcase on his back.

Agent 47: I read you, Diana. The first objective is complete.

Diana: Perfect. Now, the Red Briefcase.

KO![]

(Music: Mission Accomplished (Costume Mix))

Boomstick: I knew someone was going to lose their life here, but I never expected to see a combatant lose his lunch.

Wiz: This was not an easy match to decipher. Both 47 and Spy were capable fighters and impressive humans. Either were definitely capable of taking the fight.

Boomstick: First, the big elephant in the room. Spy should scale to Scout, who could take 3 rockets. Shouldn’t this feat be 47’s death sentence?

Wiz: Well, there is a lot contradicting that feat in the first place. Other mercs who should scale to Scout and Spy have died to much less, Scout himself didn’t really tank that feat, so it just seems more of a gag than anything quantifiable. Though even counting it, calculations on the exact yield vary. On a low end, It’s very close to 47’s strength. On a high end, 47 himself managed to survive the fall of part a motel (which is incredibly vague to be absolutely fair). It seems 47 and Spy are close in attack power and durability no matter what.

Boomstick: It didn’t help that both could scale to bullet timers, and likely had similar speeds. So, it’s hard to imagine one winning this solely by being stronger or faster. So, let’s look at the details.

Wiz: First off, thanks to Spy’s status of “we don’t even know his age,” it’s hard to gauge his experience. Still, 47 was trained in nothing but combat and murder since “birth,” and has been doing exactly for over 50 years. Unless Spy has the exact same backstory as 47, it seems clear who was more experienced and skilled in regards to combat.

Boomstick: And while knives and revolvers are good in their own right, Spy was lacking in versatility. Agent 47 had a bunch of guns from the loud to the quiet, with explosive gadgets and closed ranged options a-plenty. Well...there is one thing we’re forgetting. What about Spy’s superior technology?

Wiz: Yes, with tech 47 had likely never even seen, how could he compete? Well, the Disguise Kit isn’t exactly reliable for actual combat. But when it comes to the Invis Watch. 47 had not one, but three counters.

Boomstick: Counter 1: Diana. Probably the weakest counter, seeing as it’s debatable if she counts as outside help or not. However, if she doesn’t, she could likely point out where Spy was to 47.

Wiz: Counter 2: Proximity Bombs. He has several. If Spy were to stumble in the range of any one, not only would he be revealed, but he would also be injured and ready for 47 to finish off.

Boomstick: And if you think Diana shouldn’t be here or 47 wouldn’t use his proximity bombs, we have Counter 3: Agent 47. His biology is op as hell. Based on advanced senses, he can pinpoint exactly where a person is, even through walls. While he couldn’t see Spy, he could probably hear his footsteps; And thus, Spy’s greatest weapon was not enough to take 47 down.

Wiz: While Spy is a threat to many, and wasn’t completely outclassed; 47 still had the stats to match him, the tools to counter him, and the skills to finish him off for good. While it wouldn’t be an easy or assured victory, the hitman wins more often than not.  

Boomstick: The winner is Agent 47.

Wiz: Wait, what about the pun?

Boomstick: What pun?

Wiz: The pun you’re supposed to end every episode with...Boomstick...walk in a straight line.

Boomstick?:…(Scottish Accent) Good observational skills, lad.

Wiz: Who are you? Wait, what are you doing with-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHG-

(Technically Difficulties, Please stand by).

NEXT TIME[]

"So, you're the punk I've heard about."

"What are you gonna do about it? F-f-fight me in that d-dorky looking suit?"

"Ah, so you want to be difficult then? Fine."

-Homelander VS Tighten

Q&A[]

So, the rocket launcher feat-

Look, I don't know what calc was better or not. It doesn't help 47 doesn't have a lot of calcs either. I flunked math. I can't do this by myself. Anyways, yes, I am aware TF2 does have other building level stuff, but so does Hitman. But even if Spy did have the edge in AP and Durability, it's not a very wide margin. Both are around building at peak. Meanwhile, 47 would still have every non-physical advantage. (Experience, range, versatility, skill, counters to Spy's best techniques, etc).

Why didn't you go into detail about Spy's other guns?

While he has a lot, many of the features of said guns aren't as special or as unique outside of the competitive details. Yes, they probably make a huge difference when it comes to playing TF2, but in the context of an animation or fanfiction, it's just a gun that looks pretty cool. It may give out different sounds and damage, but it really just shoots things, unlike the Spy-cicle, Kunai, or other Spy tools that have unique abilities.

What about the Spy-cicle? Isn't that basically an instant win?

Yes and no. Spy would definitely get a win with one stab from that thing. But 47 and Spy are close in speed, so it's not like 47 can't just dodge it. And it doesn't just guarantee a win or negate all other advantages either. 47's just as likely to pull a poison syringe on Spy and end it there.

Does Diana count as outside help?

I'd count outside help as "calling someone from the outside to help you fight." Diana is more of an informant, not someone who'd call backup. Plus, 47 is with her at all missions via earpiece. It'd only make sense she'd be there in the scenario I set up. Even if I had to disregard her, Diana isn't vital to 47's victory.

Could the sapper disable 47's tech?

That's a tough one. Given that TF2 and Hitman aren't even set in the same history, much less time period, I'd guess a lot of the tech is way to different to work against each other. Even if it did, 47 doesn't exactly need the bombs or Diana to win.

Why didn't 47 get to use disguises and stealth?

Well, Spy can actually do all that in the context of a fight, while 47 wouldn't exactly have the time to change outfits mid-fight for no reason.

What about Spy's magic?

Yeah, just bring magic into a gun/knife/hand-to-hand fight with the main connection of stealth. Sure. Great advice...nobody because nobody can answer that.

Thoughts on both characters?

As a character, I'd say 47 is more interesting and cooler, but Spy is way funnier and quotable. Honestly it's hard to pick one over the other personally. Both are fun to watch and play as.

How certain are you with the verdict?

I can definitely see Spy winning this fight. It's not a stomp in any regards, especially with stats this close. 47 just holds way too many non-physical advantages for me to declare Spy the winner in my eyes.

Would you want this to be an actual Death Battle?

Yes, absolutely. TF2 could get some respect even if they lose and it could be a great spiritual successor to one of the best fights of Season 2 and the entire series.

Trivia[]

-The connections between the two combatants is that they are both suited, classy men who have been hired to infiltrate various places and kill people while disguised as their allies.

-The Track would be called 47 Spying Faces. It would be a very atmospheric track incorporating many of TF2's orchestral instruments and Hitman's electronic effects in more climatic moments. The cover would look like a suit vest, two black sides making a V. In the center would be spy's butterfly knife with the back of Agent 47's head in the reflection.

-This would be a 3D fight and, while the Source Team would make sense on paper, the regular 3D team would probably make the hand to hand fighting look better.

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