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Aganos VS Golurk is a What-If? Death Battle featuring Aganos from the Killer Instinct series and Golurk from the Pokemon series.

Intro[]

Wiz: Though in the modern day and age it can be difficult to remember, the world we live in now is a byproduct of the worlds of yesterday. Thousands of years ago, ancient cultures lived and thrived much the same way we do today.

Boomstick: Perhaps even more so. If only writing was invented earlier, then maybe they would have left us the instructions on how to animate giant fucking war machines!

Wiz: Aganos, Greek golem on a never-ending hunt.

Boomstick: And Golurk, ghostly golem Pokemon of power. He's Wiz, and I'm Boomstick.

Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armour, and skills, in order to find out who would win... a Death Battle

Aganos[]

Wiz: Over three thousand years ago, to a civilisation lost to time, the ancient war golems were constructed and animated by magic and sweat. Powerful beings, they aided in war throughout the years, prized machines that changed hands many times, bringing the terrors of war wherever they were used.

Boomstick: They were completely subservient, and turned the tides of many wars in the favour of their masters. But they weren’t indestructible. One by one, they fell, sometimes to each other, until only the most powerful remained.

Wiz: This last golem bore a mask of three faces, to represent the strengths of his three makers. Though captured and passed along history as a possession, eventually, it came into the ownership of a king of the Babylonian Empire. To the shock of everyone, including the golem itself, the King ordered it to think and learn for itself, rather than continue a lifetime of violence.

Boomstick: Usually when a king asks you something special, you turn badass. Not so for this guy, sadly. From a war machine into a peace monger... God dammit, not cool.

Wiz: The golem’s newfound careful persona inspired the king to give it a name, which the other golems did not possess: Aganos, meaning “of gentle disposition.” Though technically given freedom by this act, the Golem’s generosity left him still loyal to the king.

Boomstick: Thankfully, this peace didn’t last long. After some creepy sorcerer tried to assassinate the king and failed, yet survived the execution process, Aganos was tasked with his destruction. Killing Kan-Ra was no easy task; he had become a powerful dark sorcerer, roaming the land with a curse of near-immortality... and a creepy mouth.

Wiz: Aganos obeyed the King’s last order and set out to destroy him, in an epic chase that lasted thousands of years. Over land, across oceans, unheeded by the force of time, Aganos pursued Kan-Ra, though neither was able to destroy the other.

Boomstick: That’s some dedication right there. I'd probably be that determined to do stuff if I had theme music as bitchin' as he does.

Wiz: Even as his body began to rust and fall away, Aganos persisted; repairing himself with vines and rocks for his constructors had long passed away into history.

Boomstick: Giving him the nickname of broccoli man! Eat your vegetables, kids, or they'll make it their mission to kill you!

Wiz: In the end, neither was victorious, both being sealed away for good by a powerful tribe in South America.

Boomstick: Anyone who’s played Uncharted or watched Indiana Jones knows that stuff sealed away in temples is never sealed away forever. After a couple more centuries in stone, they were awoken again, and the chase continued... this time, in the modern age, and each with new allies.

Wiz: Among the Killer Instinct fighters, Aganos is the tallest, topping out at over eight feet. With that he packs some serious strength and bulk, though his speed is lacking.

Boomstick: Who needs to be fast when you’re unstoppable? As an animated golem, Aganos is impervious to pain, doesn’t need to eat or drink, and can’t run out of stamina. Even though he could stop pursuing Kan-Ra if he wanted to... he doesn’t want to. His bronze armour, though rusted, gives him some serious defense as well.

Wiz: In battle, Aganos uses the environment to his advantage. He is able to call up giant pillars from the battlefield to block projectiles, stop enemies from escaping, or provide a means to beat opponents down without too much recoil. He is likely able to do this due to the magic within him which ties him to the ancient Mycenaean sorcerers which created him. This magic is linked to the crystal on his mask, the Eye of the Ancients.

Boomstick: The barriers aren’t unbreakable, though they require a lot of force to shatter. Thankfully, if the wall is nearing its end, he can just lift one up and use it as a club! Did they have baseball in Babylon? Meh, doesn’t matter too much. He’s also capable of just spawning these peacemakers whenever he wants.

Wiz: But the most crucial element to Aganos' combat is his ability to fortify his body. He is capable of storing chunks of the earth inside of him, slowing down his speed, but vastly increasing his defenses and allowing him to plow through enemy attacks without recoil. Though they can break if he takes too much damage, Aganos can expel these chunks in many different ways.

Boomstick: And by many, Wiz means three, and by different, he means varying arcs. He can essentially transform into an earth-shooting cannon, and even punch his own projectiles for a devastating scattershot. Damn, must be awesome having a body that can store weaponry like that.

Wiz: Aganos' body is also capable of 360 degree upperbody rotation, and can tuck into a ball to roll towards opponents. The strength he wields is incredible, being able to send stone raining down on his opponents by smashing the ground.

Boomstick: But despite all his tenacity and bulk, he isn't perfect. Without the Eye of the Ancients, Aganos becomes mindless and slave-like once again, which allows him to be brainwashed by enemies.

Wiz: He has been defeated upon ambush twice, once by a force of one thousand men, and again by Cinder and Ultratech, allied with Kan-Ra.

Boomstick: Speaking of which, he never did manage to catch that bloody sorcerer. The hunt goes on, ever slowly. And I mean slowly. Even without any chunks, Aganos' speed is still rather pitiful, especially when compared to the ninjas and tech marvels he goes up against in the modern age.

Wiz: But Aganos is living proof that the technology of yesteryear can still compete with the machines of today. His combat experience amounts to centuries given the time he has spent as an unstoppable golem, concerned with one task and one task only.

Boomstick: He's probably sponsored by Nokia.

Kan-Ra: Why do you continue? Centuries have passed, worn you down, and yet still... you pursue me. (Laughs) Was it that fool of a king? Was it his dying wish? I crossed oceans to elude you, and still you found me.

Golurk[]

Wiz: The world of Pokemon is very highly advanced. Incredible medical technology has paved the way for free health care. Living creatures can be captured in small ball capsules. Nearly every region runs on renewable energy sources.

Boomstick: Yet bottled water heals more health than synthetic Pokemon medicine? Get your head out of your ass, Wiz.

Wiz: Yet it was not always as such. Though the myths of legendary Pokemon are of more notability, the ancient humans of the Pokemon world were marvels of their own. They worshipped Gods, tamed the first natural Pokemon...

Boomstick: And built the first artificial Pokemon.

Wiz: A feat of extraordinary prowess if proven to be true. Golurk, and it’s pre-evolved form Golett, function just the same as regular Pokemon, including hidden abilities and level potential.

Boomstick: This was probably before wild Pokemon had been befriended, because these guys were built as giant sentinels to protect ancient tribes. And the only reason you wouldn’t save effort on building just cannons or something is if you needed to fight wild Pokemon with Pokemon on your own. HEY! SOMEONE MAKE GOLURK FIGHT GYPSY DANGER!

Wiz: ... That’s just stupid. The Pokedex even says Golurk were made to protect people And Pokemon.

Boomstick: ...Yeah... but it’s also possibly how Pokemon battles started. Probably. Maybe. I don’t know. Enough theory.

Wiz: Golurk is a dual type Ground and Ghost Pokemon, with a body made of what appears to be a clay-like substance and animated by a mystical force within. As such, it is unaffected by fighting, normal, and electric type attacks, as well as resistant to poison, bug and rock.

Boomstick: As expected from a giant automated suit of armour, Golurk possesses some really high physical attack and defense. The ground around him is at its command with moves like Mud Slap and Magnitude, but if you really want some oomph, then Earthquake is the way to go. You’d think the ability to create earthquakes would somehow be linked to the mystical energy housed inside it, but no, it’s actually a staple of most ground types.

Wiz: The energy inside it is presumably the force that keeps Golurk animated, giving it its ghost typing, and is no doubt very powerful. Should it escape through cracks in Golurk’s body, it could go out of control.

Boomstick: But thankfully, he has a Band-Aid on his chest to keep everything in check. Please note, Band-Aid is not a sponsor. Because adhesive bandages can’t fix death.

Wiz: Golurk can tap into the energy and use moves generally unfitting for ground types, such as the electric thunderbolt, the grass-type solarbeam, or the steel-type flash cannon. Though it rounds out the Pokemon’s moveset and gives him some decent coverage, Golurk’s Special Attack stat is limited in use.

Boomstick: That’s why they’re mostly melee fighters. With the ability Iron Fist, Golurk gains a boost to punching moves, including the Shadow Punch, the Focus Punch, Hammer Arm, the elemental punches, and the guaranteed-confusion Dynamicpunch. Now, for those worried about the accuracy of the latter, Golurk can also have the ability No Guard, ensuring all your moves hit at the cost of never being able to dodge an attack from the enemy themselves.

Wiz: The third ability, Klutz, is absolutely useless except on Lopunny. So, we won’t even go there. But Golurk can use more than its fists in combat; its whole body is a weapon. With its incredible weight of 730 pounds, a Heavy Slam from Golurk is a devastating attack, especially on lighter opponents. It can even tuck its legs into its body and use rollout, increasing its damage output over time, or Gyro Ball, taking advantage of its less-than-desirable speed.

Boomstick: But the best thing about Golurk is that it can even tuck its legs into its body...

Wiz: ... I just said that...

Boomstick: And fly like a rocket! Like some weird Astroboy/Iron Giant hybrid thing!

Wiz: ...Oh, right. When flying, Golurk can reach speeds five times the speed of sound, allowing for quick trainer transportation, though they remain pretty sluggish when walking.

Boomstick: Who cares? If I had stone Superman in a Pokeball, I’d be in heaven.

Wiz: Golurk’s lack of land speed may be its biggest weakness, but it certainly has enough bulk to make up for it. A Golurk can increase its defenses using Curse and Iron Defense, prolong itself with Protect and Toxic, and hide behind Substitutes to land Focus Punches unchallenged.

Boomstick: But ask any competitive player, and Golurk apparently sucks, just like every other badass-looking ‘mon that isn’t Blaziken... looking at you, Smogon. Your tiers are ruining my childhood!

Wiz: Golurk is weak to ice, water, grass, ghost, and dark attacks, which is an unfortunately large range. Most of these types are also Special Attack oriented, and Golurk’s special defense isn’t as big of a threat as its Physical.

Boomstick: Its very low special attack limits the usefulness of its coverage moves, and without human assistance, it can’t learn many of its best tactical moves which come from TMS. This sadly includes Fly. Though it’s probably for the best; if these wild automatons could just fly everywhere they wanted, none of us would be safe.

Wiz: As none of the main characters of the show have owned a Golurk, feats are difficult to determine, especially since a wild one will be being used. A Golurk under the ownership of a non-competitive trainer was able to fend off both a Golem and a Rhydon, however, and even helped combat the legendary weather trio of Unova.

Boomstick: Without a doubt one of the most mysterious yet badass Pokemon of the fifth generation. And guess what? He was designed by the same guy who made the ice cream Pokemon! Who was also the first American Pokemon designer! So, suck on that!

Pokedex: Golurk, the automaton Pokemon, and the evolved form of Golett. Flying faster than the speed of sound, it loses control of its power when the seal on its chest is removed.

Golurk: GO!

Interlude[]

Wiz: All right, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all.

Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!

ReadyAganosGolurk

DEATH BATTLE![]

(Lentimas Town, 0:00-0:30)

In a hidden grotto, underneath the oceanside cliffs, a certain trio is digging into the rock with a series of comically large power drills.

Meowth: The gems in dis rock are gonna make us rich!

James: You can say that again. The boss is going to promote us for sure!

Jessie: As long as we give him enough, though I plan on taking most for myself!

James: We’ll get these stones and take them as our own!

Jessie: Find them a brand new home!

Meowth: People’ll be askin’ us for loans!

Wobuffet: WAAAAHBUFFET!

They continue to dig, to absolutely no progress; the tough rock eventually breaks their tools.

Meowth: Well this is just great! This rock is harder than Jessie’s head!

James: Don’t worry, we came prepared.

(Silence)

James hits a button on a remote, and a large crate with the team rocket logo falls out of the sky.

James: We captured this Pokémon just in case this job would be to hard.

He hits another button and the crate pops open. A Golurk wakes up inside it, slightly disoriented, and slowly gets up and walks out of the crate.

Jessie: All right, Golurk, we want you to smash open this rock!

The Golurk merely stares at them, refusing to obey. Mewoth hops up onto a ledge in the wall and yells at the automaton.

Meowth: Listen here ya big relic! Open this wall, or we’re going to detonate that explosive collar around your neck!

Golurk looks down, but doesn’t see a collar. Jessie suddenly panics and pulls the collar out of her pocket. James catches her.

James: Jessie, what is that?

Jessie: This? Oh, it’s nothing!

Meowth: All right ya lug, time for some fireworks!

Jessie tosses the collar behind her just as Meowth detonates it; the wall crumbles down, and a burnt cat crawls out from underneath it. Now angered and free of any potential retaliation, Golurk punches the trio into the sky.

Trio: Team rocket’s blasting off again!

Wobbuffet: WAAAH!

(Aristocrat's Symphony, 0:40-0:50, 1:48-2:01)

Golurk stares at the rubble and sees a shiny green glow come from it; the rocks blast away and Aganos steps out of the wall, letting out a deep bellow. Golurk replies with a roar of its own, and they punch at each other. The shock from their fists causes the grotto to shake, and several stones fall from the ceiling. Golurk, thinking Aganos is another one of Team Rocket’s allies, gets ready to fight against the Greek Golem, who is convinced that Golurk is a minion of the dastardly Kan-Ra.

FIGHT!!!

FightAG

(Sanctuary, 1:49-3:13)

Aganos and Golurk exchange powerful punches one at a time, each doing major damage but still being lessened by the opponent’s sheer bulk. Aganos then swings his club hand down like a hammer, bashing Golurk’s head, and the Pokemon retaliates with Hammer Arm, with the same result. A light blue Aura around Golurk signifies a small speed loss, but it is of no consequence. Aganos pushes golurk back and raises a barrier behind him, tripping him up. Golurk crushes the barrier as it falls, but stands back up and picks up a massive boulder nearby. In response, Aganos conjures a peacemaker club.

Golurk throws the boulder and Aganos smashes it to bits, charging at Golurk and smacking him with the club repeatedly. After taking a couple hits, Golurk launches a Shadow Punch and destroys the club. He then pucks up Aganos and throws him towards the cliff, causing a landslide. Aganos gets back up and conjures a barrier behind Golurk, and tucks into a ball to roll towards him. Golurk is struck but the barrier prevents knockback; Aganos stands straight and punches Golurk repeatedly before spinning his upper body like a helicopter to punch Golurk five more times. The barrier cracks and Golurk falls over; when Aganos approaches his downed enemy, Golurk’s legs tuck in and it blasts off along the shoreline before reforming down the beach.

Aganos’ gem glows a bright blue and several dozen barriers rise out of the ground. Golurk is unfazed and stomps on the ground; an earthquake shockwave reverberates out from his foot and shatters all the barriers. Both golems then tuck in to balls and roll at each other, smashing into each other repeatedly while rolling around the arena which falls to pieces as they damage the cliifs. Golurk is the first to reform, and targets Aganos rolling towards it; it takes the time to load up a Dynamicpunch, and connects it right as Aganos is upon him. The blow cracks some of Aganos’ armour and leaves his dominant hand hanging loosely by a few vines, as well as confusing the golem. As little duckies fly around Aganos’ mask, Golurk begins to charge up a Focus Punch; Aganos misses a swing in confusion and Golurk launches him into the Cliffside with the punch. Aganos’ arm falls off completely, but the golem is unfazed. Instead, the Eye of the Ancients flashes and several stones levitate up and reform a new arm, which Aganos fastens together with some nearby vines.

(Polemos, 0:31-2:50)

The two walk towards each other and begin another round of crude boxing; Aganos eventually retreats backwards and stamps on the ground, shooting rock shards into the air. Golurk’s body temporarily shines with a metallic coat, indicating use of Iron Defense, and the shards bounce harmlessly off. Golurk chooses to continue stacking Iron Denenses, to which Aganos responds by lifting a huge chunk of the earth out of the ground and storing it inside him. They engage in melee again, much slower and heavier, and the punches are barely even registered by each combatant due to the newfound durability.

Golurk winds up a Shadow Punch and Aganos instantly raises three barriers between them. Golurk destroys them all with the punch but fails to reach Aganos himself, who grabs Golurk by the sides and Sparta-kicks him backwards. Aganos then shoots one chunk of rock out of its chest, hitting Golurk like a cannonball and staggering him. Another shot does the same, and Aganos finishes the assault by shooting a third and final chunk, smashing it in the air and hitting Golurk with a whiff of grapeshot. Golurk climbs to its feet while Aganos stores more chunks, and runs towards the Mycenaean monstrosity. With repeated Hammer Arms it smashes down on Aganos, continuously dropping its speed, and while Aganos struggles against the blows, the chunk armour lessens the impact.

Eventually, the chunks shatter inside Aganos, but before Golurk can follow up, the new speed difference between the two allows Aganos an easy sidestep of the attack. Grabbing Golurk with its hands it flips into the air, rotating its feet along the way, and lands on the other side of the automaton, throwing Golurk into the Cliffside wall. Golurk braces itself as Aganos smashes it with its dominant arm, and creates a peacemaker in its lesser. With both at the same time, it bashes against Golurk’s temples, stunning it and causing it to lean against the cliff, which is near total destruction at this point.

Aganos continues to smash and punch Golurk against the side of the cliff, not giving him a chance to retaliate or put up a defense. Slowly, the seal on Golurk’s chest begins to come loose. Aganos winds his body 90 degrees for one final blow, and bashes Golurk’s chest, knocking the seal off. A powerful flash of light escapes from Golurk’s chest, blinding Aganos, and Golurk becomes surrounded by a fiery yellow aura. With increased speed and power, it begins to punch wildly; the attacks are much stronger than before, and Aganos is forced back. Using so much power it can’t control itself, Golurk lays into Aganos, breaking off pieces of its armour, steel and rock alike. With a final double-fisted hammer arm, Aganos’ mask falls off and its body goes limp.

(The Bridge of Khazad Dum, 1:26-1:49)

Golurk doesn’t stop there, and charges up a Dynamicpunch. It hits Aganos squarely and sends him flying into the ocean; Golurk walks to the water’s surface as Aganos’ body sinks, and lets loose an Earthquake that rips apart the ocean floor. Stuck in the sand, Aganos is helpless to resist as the cave and cliffs collapse completely behind him, and his body becomes partly buried at the bottom of the ocean. A rip in the Earth's crust opens up, opening a rift into the volcanic core, and Aganos's body falls into the fissure, becoming lost forever. Back on the surface, Golurk roars with newfound anger, and turns to leave.

K.O!!!

The waves pick up Aganos’ mask and carry it out to sea.

Giovanni watches Golurk leave from a helicopter and opens up a briefcase full of Dark Balls.

Results[]

Boomstick: Looks like the GDP wasn’t the only Greek thing that went down hard.

Wiz: This was a very close match, but in the end, Golurk prevailed. As a genderless Pokemon, Golurk and Golett are incapable of breeding naturally, and must rely on a Ditto to do so. Since Ditto have never been found in the same wild areas as the Automaton Pokémon, chances are that your average wild Golurk is an original, thousands of years old. When compounded with the skill required to evolve, its combat experience matched that of Aganos.

Boomstick: Even though Golurk see more non-competitive use in the modern day such as with construction work, they were built as sentinels and guardians to ancient cultures, giving them the same warrior drive. And yes, Aganos did defeat other war golems in its hayday, but without knowledge on the abilities of those fallen machines, we can’t derive if it had the experience to fight one such as Golurk.

Wiz: We also can’t declare a victor in physical strength and durability under initial conditions, but as the match went on, Golurk’s diverse characteristics and stat benefits won it the match.

Boomstick: If Pokémon type mechanics came into play, Aganos would be screwed thanks to the obvious Steel and Rock typing, each really bad to send against a Ground type. Yeah, he’s covered in some vines, but he’s shown no Grass type attacks, except for flower picking, and Golurk has plenty of unresisted Fighting punches to boot.

Wiz: Golurk’s speed drops from Hammer Arm were permanent, as opposed to Aganos’ drops from chunk storage being temporary, but since both combatants are generally very slow and rely on brutal close-range beatdowns, speed wasn’t really a factor in the match. Remember, Aganos’ defense boosts are also temporary, but Golurk’s Iron Defense boosts were not.

Boomstick: Didn’t help that even if Aganos did gain a speed edge, Golurk’s primary range attack was unavoidable for him. Golurk’s battlefield control with Earthquake was superior to that of Aganos’ barriers and light stone rain. Golurk even surpassed Aganos in height, which completely threw the war machine out of its element.

Wiz: Aganos’ head is in the middle of its body. While its hulking height meant that this wasn’t a problem for average-sized combatants, it could not comfortably engage Golurk without a blind spot.

Boomstick: Five eyes didn’t help him out, though a mobile back made it somewhat easier. Not perfect, since adjusting as such would through such a top-heavy character off balance, especially with chunks inside.

Wiz: And while Aganos houses a powerful mystical gem, he has never shown the ability to tap into the gem’s magic, while Golurk can somewhat tap into its own core. Should the battle drag on, damage to Aganos’ Eye of the Ancients would cripple it, but damage to Golurk’s body would let loose all its power, which really put Aganos at hoping for a tie at best.

Boomstick: Golurk also had some tricky ghost moves that did consistent damage regardless of Aganos’ chunk storage. Curse in particular could have ended Aganos even after Golurk fell, for another tie result.

Wiz: So despite the lack of coverage, Golurk was well-suited to take Aganos down with a larger variety of attacks.

Boomstick: And this is just a wild Golurk! If a caught Golurk can fly faster than the speed of sound, duel with legendaries, execute tricky subpunches, use more direct Rock Smashes, set up stage hazards, and heal health...

Wiz: Then modern boosts to ancient technology completely overshadowed the machine of the past.

Boomstick: Golurk sure made the pole-most out of this opportunity.

Wiz: The winner is Golurk.

WinnerGolurk


Next Time[]

Boomstick: Next time, on Death Battle!

欢迎各位朋友到中国混合武术比赛的女性的最后一场比赛!在蓝色的角落,战斗的第一夫人,春丽!在红色角落,跳舞凤,凌晓雨!

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