Description[]
Note: Dio's thumbnail was made before I adopted the fight and changed Steve to Bobby, so please keep that in mind.
In Season 1, Episode 3 of TheGreatDimentio's Death Battle series, when four kids from adult cartoons fight to the death, who will survive this more than playground brawl? Bart Simpson, Eric Cartman, Stewie Griffin, or Bobby Hill?
Introduction[]
Wiz: Cartoons. One of the most well-known mediums in TV.
Boomstick: But fuck all those cartoons for kids! Let's get mature! These kids from adult cartoons don't wake up in their PJs and watch cartoons, they get involved in nonsense!
Wiz: Bart Simpson, the yellow, skateboarding, prankster from Springfield.
Boomstick: Eric Cartman, the vulgar, big-boned, sociopath from South Park.
Wiz: Stewie Griffin, the destructive, inventive, baby from Quahog.
Boomstick: Finally, Bobby Hill, the skilled marksman, dancer and softy from Arlen. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win...a Death Battle.
(Cue the doors shutting and opening for Bart's bio.)
Bart Simpson[]
Wiz: The Simpsons. The longest running animated on TV, and still airing new episodes.
Boomstick: As such, the show's created very iconic characters. Such as Homer and Marge Simpson. The two of them gave birth to three children.
Wiz: Baby Maggie, saxophone playing Lisa, and the combatant for today, Bart Simpson.
- Name: Bartholomew JoJo Simpson
- Alias: Bart, El Barto, Bartman
- Age: 10
- Is Attention Deficit
- Has a Batman parody for an alternate persona
Boomstick: Bart Simpson is the oldest child of the Simpsons, and is described as "potentially dangerous." Perfect for the show, right, Wiz?
Wiz: Indeed, Boomstick. Anyways, strength. Bart can compare to his father, who's worst feat was lifting up a motorcycle and using it as a weapon.
Boomstick: He was able to injure his principal, Seymour Skinner, who survived being near an explosion that vaporized a car.
Wiz: He's also able to damage Homer, who survived being in an explosion that consumed their entire house, starting from their basement.
Boomstick: As for speed, Bart was able to run fast enough to appear as nothing but a blur.
Wiz: He's also able to outrun and dodge bullets, and can probably go faster with his skateboard, which we'll talk about later.
Boomstick: Hey, Wiz! You've always wanted me to do "experiments," right?
Wiz: Yes, I have. Why do you say that?
Boomstick: Because, Wiz! I'm gonna see if drinking beer can make you as fast as Bart!
Wiz: I didn't mean like that, Boomstick-
Boomstick: TOO LATE! I already drank three cans! Here comes the fourth!
Wiz: Ugh.
Boomstick: Anyways, Bart's durability! He's able to be strangled by Homer, who we discussed the strength of earlier, and survived being in the center of an explosion of sound that destroyed all of the glass in Springfield and tore every single leaf off of the trees.
Wiz: Boomstick, how much beer have you drank to sound smart?
Boomstick: I've drank 43-
Wiz: 43 CANS?!
Boomstick: No, 43,000 cans.
Wiz: So, your theory was right?
Boomstick: Guess so. Anyways...
Wiz: Oh, yes. Bart's intelligence. Bart's street smart, and is good at manipulating people. As well as extortion. He does get bad grades, however, this is most likely due to him not being able to apply himself to school.
Boomstick: Aside from being a dumbass in school, Bart's clever, and knows how to speak in several languages.
Wiz: Beer wore off?
Boomstick: Yep.
Wiz: And he's able to outwit Sideshow Bob, although, we don't know how much of a feat that is.
Boomstick: Next is Bart's equipment. He has a skateboard, which allows him to go faster and use it as a shield or a weapon. He has a slingshot, which can be used to fire several different types of ammo, such as rocks.
Wiz: Finally, he has cherry bombs, which he can use to throw at his foes to confuse them, distract them, or hell, use them as a different type of ammo for his slingshot!
Boomstick: It's like Infinity War, everything's coming together!
Wiz: Bart also has several different abilities to use in combat.
Boomstick: He's mastered his skateboard, he's driven several cars, and even a damn tank!
Wiz: He's able to find truffles by smell, and could hear Lisa playing her saxophone from hundreds of meters away.
Boomstick: He's also able to break the fourth wall, like a certain somebody-
(Wiz quickly covers Boomstick's mouth with his hand, and proceeds talking, while Boomstick mumbles in the background.)
Wiz: He's mastered several types of weapons, like his slingshot, been in military school, and fought against Skinner in an armed battle. He has shown to be skilled in karate, as well as other types of martial arts in military school. Finally, he can see ghosts.
(Boomstick then slaps Wiz's hand away from his mouth.)
Boomstick: Of course, he has several weaknesses. He's allergic to butterscotch, imitation butterscotch, don't ask us how, that glow-in-the-dark monster make-up shit you see at kid's birthday parties, shrimp and cauliflower. Also, he has Attention Deficit Disorder, which was mentioned earlier.
Wiz: How do your lungs feel after that, Boomstick?
Boomstick: They're crumbling, along with my throat.
Wiz: Overall, Bart has lots of fighting ability and potential, but his ADD could get in the way of things.
(Cue the doors shutting and opening for Cartman's bio.)
Eric Cartman[]
Wiz: South Park, Colorado is home to some of the weirdest things to be publicized on animated television.
Boomstick: And one of the reasons for that is Eric Cartman.
- Name: Eric Theodore Cartman
- Alias: The Grand Wizard
- Age: 10
- Hates Family Guy
- He's "Big-Boned"
Wiz: Cartman is one of the four main boys in South Park, and possibly the mascot of the series.
Boomstick: Starting with strength, when he was a hall monitor, he sent a kid flying with a single kick.
Wiz: He was also able to shove the entirety of Disneyland up his, uh, how do I put this?
Boomstick: He was able to shove Disneyland up his ass!
Wiz: We're trying NOT to get demonetized, Boomstick.
Boomstick: So?
Wiz: One piece of his equipment, his V-Chip, was able to cause heavy damage to an undead Saddam Hussein, who tanked several rounds of bullets.
Boomstick: Hahahaha!
Wiz: Something funny, Boomstick?
Boomstick: Oh, Wiz, it's just that you sound so ridiculous! In or out of context!
Wiz: Ha, ha, ha.
Boomstick: Anyways, Cartman is really slow, unable to keep up with the other boys, and was said to be the slowest kid in school.
Wiz: He also managed to get last place in the Special Olympics, against Timmy and Jimmy.
Boomstick: He's very durable, though. He survived getting hit by a bus and a lightning strike.
Wiz: It is crucial to note, however, he did have to be hospitalized and got injured from these incidents. He does also tend to overreact to minor damage, like when he got hit by a light slap from Kyle.
Boomstick: Cartman's super smart, too. He was able to plan Scott Tenorman's parents dying in a complex fashion, and other complex plans in general.
Wiz: He has shown himself to be a bit gullible and stupid more times than not, however. Like when he thought he could fly with cardboard wings.
Boomstick: And when he thought he was invisible in front of a whole audience of people.
Wiz: And when he couldn't wait three weeks for the Wii's release, so he froze himself, which lasted for 5,000 years. Honestly, we could go on further.
Boomstick: But, let's talk about Cartman's equipment! In base form, he has a V-Chip. The V-Chip can be used to make electricity appear from Cartman's hands whenever he swears.
Wiz: He has a flute, with which he can play The Brown Song, which causes people to defecate themselves.
Boomstick: Woah! He can play a song which causes people to shit themselves? Awesome!
Wiz: Finally, when he uses his Toon Force, he can pull an oversized mallet out of nowhere, Bugs Bunny style.
Boomstick: Of course, he has his alternate persona, The Grand Wizard. Grand Wizard has a canister and a lighter that he uses for his Flame Strike attack, and a tampon which he uses for his Magic Missile attack.
Wiz: Next, Cartman's powers. He has Toon Force, via several different feats, and Regeneration, via his head exploding and coming back from it. Now, his two persona's attacks. As Grand Wizard, he has Magic Missile, where he throws a tampon at the opponents, inducing gross-out, Flame Strike, where he sets people on fire, and Curse, where he uses the V-Chip to make a storm of electricity.
Boomstick: Damn! I got goosebumps just hearing you talk for that long!
Wiz: He has weaknesses, however. He's very unathletic, a coward, lazy, and he can underestimate his opponents.
Boomstick: Overall, Cartman's pretty strong, durable, and his powers could pose an issue to the other combatants, however, he's one slow and gullible asshole.
(Cue the doors shutting and opening for Stewie's bio.)
Stewie Griffin[]
Wiz: In Quahog, the Griffins have three children.
Boomstick: Two older kids, and one baby. Wiz, I thought we already did the Bart segment.
(Wiz groans.)
Wiz: Anyways, unlike the Simpsons, we're covering the youngest of the Griffins today. Stewie Griffin.
- Name: Stewart Gilligan Griffin
- Alias: Stewie
- Age: 1
- Best friends with Brian
- Wanted to kill his mom and dominate Earth, now just kinda does whatever
Boomstick: Don't let his Arnold Shortman looking head fool you, this baby is one hell of a fighter.
Wiz: Starting us off, Stewie was able to flip an adult man over with his legs, which left him rolling away.
Boomstick: In the same scene, he was able to push other adults around.
Wiz: He was able to hit Lois with a chair so hard, the chair broke.
Boomstick: Next is speed. He's been shown to move faster than Brian at his peak.
Wiz: Brian is a beagle, and beagles at their fastest can run at 20 MPH, meaning that Stewie is faster than 20 MPH.
Boomstick: So, a baby can run faster than average humans jog?
Wiz: Indeed, Boomstick.
Boomstick: I think I need a few beers.
(Boomstick walks away.)
Wiz: Uh, Boomstick! You need to do the analysis! Eh, fuck it. Next is Stewie's durability. He can survive explosions, getting hit by a bus, getting run over while already having a head injury-
Boomstick: And a big explosion that destroyed a plane! He also tanked rocket launcher shots, and a helicopter crash!
Wiz: What happened to the beers?
Boomstick: There were none left.
Wiz: Alright...
Boomstick: Anyways, Stewie's big head is justified with how smart he is! He's invented a mind control machine, a weather-controlling one, a hypnotizing one, a one that can travel through multiverses, and a time traveling one! Holy shit! He's gonna curbstomp with these inventions!
Wiz: Actually, Boomstick, to make this fair for the other combatants, we won't be using those inventions.
Boomstick: Come the fuck on!
Wiz: Don't forget Boomstick, Stewie's still a baby. He sometimes lacks common sense, like when he was fooled by Peter during a game of peek-a-boo, he didn't know what trick or treat was, and he can't use a toilet.
Boomstick: If we aren't giving Stewie his OP inventions, what will we give him, Wiz?
Wiz: He'll be getting his ray gun, a pistol, a few explosives, and a flamethrower.
Boomstick: What about the robot he made of himself?
Wiz: If you stop bugging me, I'll give it to him.
Boomstick: Sweet! Anyways, Stewie's powers and skills. He's a master at using weapons and vehicles, as demonstrated when he's driven cars and aircrafts. He has toon force, he's aware of the fourth wall, and with cutaways, he has limited plot manipulation.
Wiz: He can regenerate from being decapitated, he's skilled in karate, and with his weapons he can manipulate energy, explosions, and fire.
Boomstick: He is pretty arrogant, though! Gotta deduct points for that!
Wiz: Overall, Stewie is pretty smart and durable. He only has medium strength and speed, however, and with how naïve and arrogant he is, he keeps himself back from his true potential.
(Cue the doors shutting and opening for Bobby's bio.)
Bobby Hill[]
Boomstick: Alright, our final combatant! Surely, he must have some wacky adventures up his sleeve, right?
Wiz: Well...
- Name: Robert Jeffery Hill
- Alias: Bobby
- Age: 11-14
- Made friends with racoons
- Doesn't have wacky adventures
Boomstick: Wait, what?!
Wiz: That's right, Boomstick. King of The Hill's Arlon, Texas is grounded in reality.
Boomstick: Awe, man..
Wiz: Don't worry Boomstick, he still has some good feats under his belt!
Boomstick: Oh, yeah! Like his strength! He was able to kick a man so hard, he fell to the floor.
Wiz: He also managed to punch his dad so hard in the groin, he got knocked out, and he felt pain while walking for quite a bit.
Boomstick: He can compare to Joseph, who could lift up a couch with ease. He's also able to hurt Hank, who's worst durability feat was being tackled by 6 to 8 football players. While he had an injured knee.
Wiz: He's pretty fast, too. He's comparable to Bill, who outran a Rottweiler. Rottweilers can go 25 miles per hour at their fastest, so Bobby can be around, if not faster than, a Rottweiler at their fastest.
Boomstick: Why are these damn kids so fast?! For durability, he can take hits from Peggy, who was able to wrestle and overpower several different people.
Wiz: He's not very smart, though. At least normally, that is. He's a below-average student, and at times, is quite clueless.
Boomstick: But, he's a good marksman, and he was able to win a state competition about meat, and is quite smart in several other categories and topics.
Wiz: Indeed, Boomstick. Now, his weapon. A rifle.
Boomstick: A rifle?! He doesn't have any other exciting weapons besides a rifle?
Wiz: Nope. Sorry, Boomstick.
Boomstick: Fine, his abilities, then?
Wiz: He actually has quite a few. He's learned karate and wrestling, which makes him skilled in martial arts. He's also very good with a rifle, being better than Hank.
Boomstick: He's able to spot issues in meat that even meat experts couldn't see!
Wiz: He must have good eyesight!
Boomstick: No shit! Did you learn that when he was a good marksman, or when he spotted an issue in a slab of fucking meat that nobody else noticed?! Anyways, he also once sat on an ice cube for several hours in his underwear until it melted without being fazed at all!
Wiz: However, he has weaknesses. He's lazy most of the time, and he can go into blind rages if he's bothered by something happening.
Boomstick: Overall, he's very strong, fast, and durable for a human, but his intelligence, lack of abilities, and his laziness could cost him. Oh, yeah, and he's a human-
Interlude[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all!
Boomstick: It's time for our first Death Battle royale!
Death Battle[]
It was a normal day in Arlen, Texas. Or, at least, it was for a while. A fat kid-
Cartman: Hey, I'm not fat, you stupid fucking narrator!
Oops, sorry, I mean, big-boned kid in a red coat and blue hat eating his favorite snack, Cheesy Poofs, was simply walking down the street. That was, until, a yellow kid skateboarded by. The breeze somehow knocked the bag out of his hand, onto the sidewalk.
Cartman: HEY! ASSHOLE ON THE SKATEBOARD!
Bart stopped skateboarding and looked at Eric.
Bart: What, dude?
Cartman: You knocked my snack out of my damn hands! I demand money!
Bart: Don't have a cow, man!
Cartman: I'm gonna butcher you like a cow, you fucking bitch!
Suddenly, Stewie appeared on a teleporter.
Stewie: I say, this teleporter must be malfunctioning!
Cartman turned to Stewie.
Cartman: Hey, you're that baby from Family Guy! That unfunny piece of shit!
Stewie: Well, if you want to be hostile, than I suppose you accept DEATH!
Stewie pulled out a pistol and aimed it at Cartman.
Bart: Hey, I remember you! You're that coo-coo guy!
Bart pulled out his slingshot while Cartman pulled out a pistol as well.
All of this chaos was happening straight in front of the house of the Hills.
Hank: Damnit, those kids are about to fight in front of the lawn! Bobby, go kick their asses!
Bobby: Alright, dad.
Bobby grabbed his rifle and ran out to confront the tiny fighters, as Hank watched from the window.
Bart: Looks like we've got a fourth guy!
The trio looked at Bobby.
Bobby: Sorry, you three, but I've been ordered to kick your asses!
Stewie: Very well then, let us-
FIGHT!
The battle started with Cartman and Stewie shooting each other, while the other two ducked behind bushes. Cartman threw a punch at Stewie, who got knocked back. Stewie responded by pulling out a ray gun and blasting at Eric.
Cartman: Hey! That's cheating!
Stewie: All's fair in love and war, brat!
Cartman pulled out an oversized mallet and started trying to deflect the blasts.
While that was going on, Bobby and Bart came out from the bushes and started throwing out punches. Bart threw an uppercut, which knocked Bobby back. Bobby kicked Bart in the stomach, knocking him to the ground.
Bart: Hey kid, do you like cherries?
Bart loaded a cherry bomb into his slingshot, and shot it out, dazing Bobby, which allowed him to rapidly punch Bobby in the face.
Bobby: Damnit!
Bobby backhanded Bart in the face, leaving him open for Bobby's signature attack. Bobby punched Bart straight in the nuts, leaving him on the ground.
Bobby: Looks like I kicked your ass! Two to go!
Bobby dashed towards the other two, who were brawling. Cartman finally whacked Stewie with his hammer, knocking him a few blocks away, while Cartman flipped him the bird. Bobby grabbed his rifle, and shot Cartman in the back.
Cartman: Hey, you asshole! You wanna have a gun fight?!
Bobby: I'm gonna kick your ass!
Cartman: You're gonna suck my balls!
Cartman whipped out his pistol, and shot at Bobby, while Bobby also shot at Cartman. With Bobby being a better marksman, he managed to knock the pistol out of Cartman's hand, leaving him "defenseless."
Cartman: Godamn motherfucking asshole tampon Barbara Streisand!
Lightning came out of Cartman's hands, as he zapped Bobby, doing major damage. Cartman followed it up by walking over and slapping Bobby in the face. He followed THAT up with a kick, knocking him into a tree. Stewie finally got back, and was armed with grenades.
Stewie: See you in hell!
Bart finally got up, and threw cherry bombs to combat the grenades, creating several explosions. Stewie pulled out a flamethrower, and set the grenade on fire. He then threw it at the doorstep of Hank's house, just as Hank was walking out.
Hank: What the hell-
The grenade exploded, sending Bart, Cartman, and Stewie flying away, as the house collapsed, with Bobby under it. If the explosion didn't kill Bobby, the house crushing him did.
3/4 REMAIN!
The three stood up from being knocked out, on a building in Springfield.
"Woah, what the hell?" Cartman said. "It's like we're in some kind of better writing style, but the writer is too lazy to rewrite the whole battle! This reminds me of the time when Brian-" Stewie was talking, but interrupted by Bart whacking him with his skateboard. "Why, you little-" Bart continued whacking him, until Stewie pulled out his ray gun, and shot at Bart. Springfield's resident prankster quickly hopped on his skateboard to get away. Cartman pulled out his mallet and began chasing Bart, but he couldn't keep up with him. "Slow down, asshole!" Cartman yelled at Bart. "Eat my shorts!" Bart responded.
Bart then got off his skateboard, and began shooting cherry bombs at his two foes with his slingshot. Stewie tried to shoot Bart with the ray gun, but with the cherry bombs exploding around him, he couldn't see anything. Bart took the opportunity to load his slingshot up with rocks, and fire it at Cartman and Stewie. "Hey, asshole!" Cartman yelled at Bart. Bart turned to look at Cartman, who was now in his Grand Wizard form. "Eat this!" Cartman used Magic Missile, and threw a tampon at Bart, who was grossed out, and started vomiting. Stewie used the distraction to fire a laser into Bart's arm. "AY, CARAMBA!" Bart yelled in pain.
Cartman and Stewie whipped out their pistols, and began shooting at each other. "This reminds me of the time I starred in The Matrix!" Stewie said.
The scene then cut to a random man in a trench coat shooting at Stewie, before Stewie simply dodges and shoots the man in the chest. "We're not doing a whole cutaway, alright? We don't have the budget for it this episode!" Stewie exclaimed.
The scene cut back to the fight, where Stewie dodged the bullets, and shot Grand Wizard Cartman in the chest. "Argh!" Cartman said in pain. Grand Wizard used Flame Strike, pulling out a lighter and canister. He pulled his pants down, and farted, setting the building on fire. Stewie and Bart were caught in the blaze, and jumped off of the building, onto a nearby bus, going to South Park. "Hey, don't leave me behind, fuckers!" Cartman yelled out, as he leapt onto the bus.
The three of them glared at each other, ready to use their fists. Stewie leapt at Bart, and punched him in the stomach. Stewie followed it up by kicking Bart. Cartman ran at the two of them, and pulled out a whistle. "What are you gonna do with that, man?" Bart asked. "THIS!" Cartman said. He started to play the Brown Song, which made Bart and Stewie shit themselves. Both of them looked at each other in shock, before laughing at each other. "Haha! You crapped your pants!" Bart said to Stewie. "So did you, idiot!" Stewie responded. Cartman used the distraction to punch both Bart and Stewie off of the bus. Cartman jumped off of it, and put up his fists.
Stan and Kyle were walking down a street, and saw Cartman getting ready to fight Stewie and Bart. "Holy shit, dude! Are you seeing this?" Stan asked Kyle. "I'm seeing it, alright." Kyle answered.
Stewie took out a flamethrower, and tried to set Bart and Cartman on fire. Bart was able to skateboard away, but Cartman was directly in it. "Motherfucking piece of asshole shit!" Cartman said. The V-Chip activated, and obliterated the flamethrower. "You son of a bitch!" Stewie said. Stewie dashed towards Cartman. "Shit, shit, shit!" Cartman said, while trying to run away. Bart suddenly came in, and shot Stewie in the eye with his slingshot. "Ow!" Stewie said. He wiped his eye, and the rock came out. Bart punched Cartman in the face, which pissed Cartman off.
"Now, you've done it!" Cartman yelled out. "Mother[There are far, far too many expletives that Cartman said that we can actually air without getting demonitized.]" Cartman had used Storm. A storm of lightning had been summoned, and it stuck both Stewie and Bart. Cartman only had a few seconds to look at the silhouettes of the two of them before they were turned into ashes. But Cartman could tell something was off. "Wait a second, why the hell did the Family Guy kid explode?!" Cartman asked himself. Cartman heard a voice behind him. "I say, you really are clever. Unfortunately, you destroyed my robot clone." The voice said. This was Stewie, and he shot Cartman's limbs with his ray gun, before pulling out his pistol.
"You son of a bitch-" These were Cartman's last words, before he got shot in the head. "Victory is mine!" Stewie said.
The scene then cut to the living room of the Griffin's House. "You know, that was probably the longest cutaway gag we've ever done." Chris said. "Meh. We've probably done longer." Peter responded. "Fair enough." Lois also chimed in.
Stewie is seen napping in his crib.
Cartman's body is found by Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.
Bart's ashes are blown away by the wind.
A funeral is held for Bobby, Hank and Peggy.
Results[]
Boomstick: Damn! That's a long-ass cutaway gag!
Wiz: We should probably explain ourselves. First off, Bobby was outclassed here. Strength is even with the others, he takes third place above Cartman in speed, and he was fucked over in experience, abilities, arsenal, durability, and intelligence.
Boomstick: Next to go was Bart. Again, everybody was even in strength, he was second in speed, he had the biggest arsenal, a good set of abilities, and was pretty durable. Why did he lose again?
Wiz: Well, Boomstick, he had third in intelligence, and had little experience in the adventures that Cartman and Stewie have been in. He just wouldn't expect Stewie and Cartman's abilities.
Boomstick: Now, the final two. Why did Cartman get outclassed? Well, he had horrible speed, and nothing else was really that bad.
Wiz: However, his advantages over Bobby and Bart just, didn't apply to Stewie. Stewie was much smarter, more durable, had a bigger arsenal, had better abilities, and far more experience. He's gone through the multiverse, people!
Boomstick: Looks like everybody else drowned in this "adult swim!"
Wiz: The winner is Stewie.