| Abraham Lincoln vs. Barnabas Collins | |
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| Season 6, Episode 1 | |
| Air date | January 13, 2021 |
| Written by | I'm Lynda |
| Episode guide | |
| Previous Metro Man vs. Miss Power |
Next Jaws (007) vs. Oddjob |
Abraham Lincoln vs. Barnabas Collins is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features Abraham Lincoln from the Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter media franchise, and Barnabas Collins from the Dark Shadows media franchise.
Description[]
It’s vampire hunter versus vampire in the nineteenth century!
Interlude[]
Wiz: For as long as there have been vampires, there have been vampire hunters.
Boomstick: Is that really true?
Wiz: Shhh! You’re spoiling the mood! Anyway, today we bring together a nineteenth century vampire hunter and a nineteenth century vampire. The hunter is none other than the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.
Boomstick: And the other is the star of the small screen and the big, the first vampire heartthrob, Barnabas Collins.
Wiz: I’m Wiz, and he’s Boomstick.
Boomstick: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Abraham Lincoln[]
Wiz: Abraham Lincoln: rail splitter, lawyer, politician, and sixteenth President of the United States.
Boomstick: Wiz, you forgot to say, “and vampire killing bad-ass!”
Wiz: That’s right. Though it is not widely known, all his life Abraham Lincoln fought and killed that scourge of the human race, vampires.
Boomstick: It all started when a vampire killed Abe’s mother, and his father was too afraid to do anything. Right then and there, Abe decided that he would kill vampires wherever they were. And, well, that pursuit nearly got him killed right out of the chute!
Wiz: It turned out that vampires were a lot harder to kill than Mr. Lincoln had assumed. Fortunately, he met another archenemy of vampires everywhere, Henry Sturges. Though Henry himself was a vampire, he despised the actions of evil vampires, so he agreed to train the young man in hunting and killing vampires.
Boomstick: He taught him how to use guns, knives, wooden stakes, and even his bare hands to fight the monsters. But, most of all, he taught Abe how to use the weapon that he loved best, his handy-dandy ax!
Wiz: No, the best thing that Henry taught him was to not rush in, but to always have a plan, *and* a backup plan.
Boomstick: And, after all that, Abe was ready to go out and kick some vampire ass. He was an expert with the ax, and could use it like some sort of American samurai!
Wiz: He also always carried knives, a couple of pistols, and, when at all possible, a rifle.
Boomstick: And though vampires are inhumanly strong, and can open you up with one swipe of their razor-sharp claws, Abe was trained to go hand-to-hand with them, if necessary.
Wiz: However, this vampire hunter is no superhero. He’s a trained killing machine, but for all that, he’s only human. He can only lift so much weight, and he can only take so much damage.
Boomstick: But, don’t sell him short. It’s not for no reason that he was known as “Abraham Lincoln, the vampire splitter!”
Wiz: Or something like that, anyway.
Barnabas Collins[]
Boomstick: Barnabas Collins was born in Maine in 1770, the scion of a wealthy shipping and fishing family. Heck, they even founded their own town, Collinsport. Kind of like my own family, which founded the town of Boomstickburg.
Wiz: There’s really a town named Boomstickburg?
Boomstick: There...was. It’s now a hazardous waste site. But that’s...something I’m not legally allowed to talk about.
Wiz: Right...Barnabas lived a life of ease, doing pretty much anything he wanted, giving little thought to the future.
Boomstick: That is, until 1792, when he travelled on family business to the island of Martinique. There he met and had a fling with a girl named Angelique Bouchard. It meant little to Barnabas, but it meant a lot to Angelique.
Wiz: And then Barnabas met the love of his life, Josette DuPres. He fell madly in love with Josette, and asked her to marry him.
Boomstick: However, Angelique was Josette’s maidservant, and there was no one he could have chosen to piss Angelique off more.
Wiz: Unknown to Barnabas, Angelique was one of the most powerful witches on Martinique, and was not the kind of woman to let a slight go unpunished.
Boomstick: She sounds a lot like my ex-wife. Women, huh?
Wiz: Angelique followed Barnabas and Josette to Maine, and tried every trick in the book to get Barnabas back.
Boomstick: Eventually employing magic, she was able to break up the two lovebirds’ relationship, and blackmailed Barnabas into marrying her.
Wiz: A bad relationship turned even worse when Barnabas found out about Angelique’s witchcraft, and in a fit of anger, he shot her! Mistakenly believing that she was dying, Angelique cursed him, and immediately he was attacked by a large bat.
Boomstick: Good old B. died of his wounds, but he later walked out of the family mausoleum as a blood-hungry vampire. Sickened by what he had become, he nonetheless started using the women of Collinsport as his own private larder, which was bound to attract attention, and eventually his family learned his secret.
Wiz: Barnabas eventually pleaded with his father to destroy him, and end his torment, but the older man couldn’t bring himself do it. Instead, he had a secret room build into the family mausoleum and he had Barnabas chained up in there, in his coffin, hopefully for all time.
Boomstick: Well, to cut a REALLY long story short, Barney cooled his heels for over a century and a half, before he was released in 1967, by a grave robber. A noble old profession taken on by many a Boomstick throughout the years.
Wiz: In the twentieth century, Barnabas was helped by Dr. Julia Hoffman to gain some control over his hungers, and he began an un-lifetime search for a release from the curse that Angelique had put him under.
Boomstick: As a vampire, Barnabas has a whole slew of powers to draw on. First of all, as you might expect with a vampire, while most weapons will hurt Barnabas, none will actually kill him...un-kill him...re-kill him...whatever. We’ll come back to that.
Wiz: Also, as expected from a vampire, Barnabas is both super-fast and super-strong. He can move so fast that he is almost invisible to the naked eye, and he was able to effortlessly pick up a grown man with one hand.
Boomstick: He can turn into a really big bat, when he wants to, and at least once, he summoned a pack of wild dogs to do his bidding.
Wiz: He can climb sheer walls, and can teleport from one place to another. However, why he could do that, but not teleport out of his locked casket is not clear.
Boomstick: If he can make eye contact with someone, he can instantly hypnotize him or her. And, he can use telekinesis to open and close doors, and do special-effects like that.
Wiz: Now, as a vampire, Barnabas has a group of weaknesses as well. For example, if a person really has faith in a religious item, like a cross or holy water, then it will affect Barnabas. But, an atheist picking up a cross would find it wholly ineffective.
Boomstick: He also cannot stand the touch of sunlight, and being caught in it, without shelter will destroy him.
Wiz: And his biggest weakness is in his heart. A wooden stake, thrust through his heart will kill him, as will a silver bullet fired into it.
Boomstick: Overall, Barnabas is your pretty standard, garden variety vampire. Which means that he is damn hard to kill!
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set; let’s end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: Its time for a DEATH BATTLE!
DEATH BATTLE![]
Pre-Fight []
Barnabas Collins sat at a table in the basement in Collinwood, with Professor Eliot Stokes standing patiently at his side. The six wands of the I Ching were cast out, creating the 49th hexagram, the hexagram of radical change. Barnabas was in a trance, his eyes open, staring out into the astral plane, and through the plane to Collinwood in the year 1840.
He focused his iron-like will, drawing his view to Dr. Julia Hoffman. She was in Josette’s old bedroom, confronting the 1840 Barnabas!
When Julia had prepared to walk the magical Stairway into Time, Barnabas had warned her to not quickly awaken the Barnabas of that time. That Barnabas was out of control, ravenous with hunger for human blood, and in 1840 he was stalking towards Julia, murder blazing in his eyes!
The 1970 Barnabas focused all of his willpower, and projected his astral form. He descended through the years, back to 1840, and forced his way into the body of the 1840 Barnabas. He warred with the existing spirit for control of the body, causing waves of psychic pain that wracked the body, finally causing it to fall to the ground in apparent unconsciousness.
However, with his superior spiritual training the end was never in doubt, and the 1970 Barnabas swept the 1840 Barnabas aside. He opened his eyes, and stood up, facing Julia.
Still believing that she was facing the homicidal 1840 Barnabas, she quickly grabbed a dusty, old cross, and presented it to the vampire.
“Stay away from me!” she commanded.
The pain caused Barnabas to recoil.
“No, put that away,” he gasped.
“You know I can’t do that,” she responded.
“But, you don’t understand, Julia,” he said, covering his eyes from the sight of the holy symbol. “Let me look at you, so you can see me. I’m not the same. You could see what was happening to me.”
“I only know that you tried to kill me,” she answered calmly.
“Yes, and I would have, if the I Ching hadn’t finally succeeded!”
“The I Ching?”
“Yes. Don’t you understand? I was finally able to will myself back to you. I’m here to help you, Julia! Believe me! Eliot helped me with the I Ching. Carolyn is half-mad. Quentin is confined to Wyncliffe now. Would Barnabas of 1840 know all of this?”
Julia hesitated, then she turned and set the cross down, and then she turned and embraced the man.
“Barnabas! Oh, Barnabas!” she cried into his shoulder.
“Thank heavens I got here in time, Julia,” he said. “Now, tell me, what has been happening here, and now.”
Abraham Lincoln stood looking out of his window in the Collinsport Inn. The smell of the sea filled the air, as did the sounds coming from the harbor.
Collinsport was a small fishing village in coastal Maine, a place that would never have caught Abraham’s attention, if it hadn’t been for the rumors he'd heard, while passing through Massachusetts.
It seemed that something was stalking the waterfront, preying on young women. There were stories of throats torn out and other mutilations. The stories had probably been exaggerated with the telling, but they still screamed “vampire” to Abe.
So, he had quickly fired off a letter to Henry Sturges, grabbed his bags, and set off for Collinsport.
But, now that he was here, Collinsport seemed to have gone quiet. Could it be that the vampire had moved on? Abraham didn’t think so. No vampire would give up a valuable feeding ground, once it had established itself there.
No, he just had to be patient. He had to wait and watch.
Barnabas could feel the cravings coming on him. He had resisted as long as he could, but the time was coming when he must feed.
“Is that a good idea?” Julia asked. “The town is still on edge from the attacks by...” She hesitated. “The other Barnabas.”
Barnabas looked at her intently. That was what had first drawn her to him, his eyes. He had eyes that could see through you, to your very soul.
Then, he smiled. “I will be careful. And, I will only take the minimum amount of blood. I promise you. No one will ever know that I was there tonight.”
Julia smiled back at him, and said, “Be *very* careful.”
Abraham Lincoln sat on a chair outside the Eagle tavern, whittling. He didn’t smoke or chew tobacco, but he always kept a knife on him.
His grandfather had been a wizard with a whittling knife, fashioning all sorts of fun shapes for the children – an animal, or a man, or something completely whimsical.
But, today he wasn’t making a work of art, he was sharpening a wooden stake, A stake to thrust through the heart of whatever fiend was stalking Collinsport.
Barnabus sat in the Eagle with a glass of Madeira. When he was young, he had adored the wine, but these days he simply had no taste for it. It was all part and parcel of Angelique’s curse.
He sipped at the wine, but his eyes kept returning to Lottie Hatfield, a barmaid. Eventually, he struck up a conversation with the woman, and she coyly invited him upstairs.
“The night is young,” Barnabus told the woman smoothly. “Let’s go out for a walk.”
Lottie agreed, and fetched her shawl. Together, they walked out into the New England night.
They strolled along the wharf, and eventually slipped into the shadows behind a warehouse. Lottie kissed Barnabus and purred, “You’re so cold. Here, let me warm you up.”
Barnabus slipped his mouth past Lottie’s face to her neck, where he could feel her carotid artery pulsing with her life blood. He bit her neck, and Lottie sighed. Barnabus began to feed.
Suddenly, there was a deep yell, and a body crashed into Barnabus and his prey. The vampire rolled to the ground, while Lottie slumped unconscious to the ground.
Abraham advanced on the fallen vampire, and raised his axe.
FIGHT! []
Moving almost too fast to be seen, Barnabus surged up from the ground, and seized his opponents’ hands in his.
Standing almost nose to nose, the two men regarded each other. Lincoln strained to move his axe, but the vampire held him steady.
“I don’t know who you are,” Barnabus said, “but you’re dealing with things beyond your comprehension.”
Lincoln gave him a wry smile, and told him, “Oh, I think I comprehend very well indeed.”
And with that, he dropped to his knees, and turned, pulling Barnabus over him, throwing him across the cobblestoned street.
Both men stood up and regarded each other. Suddenly, Lincoln drew his flintlock pistol and fired.
Barnabus’s head snapped backward, and he stumbled back a step. Abraham smiled, until he saw Barnabus straighten up. The vampire reached up, and pulled something from his forehead.
He regarded the flattened bullet in his palm, and said, “Silver.” Then, he tossed the bullet aside.
Abraham twirled his axe around his body, and raised it. He didn’t know why his silver bullet hadn’t killed the monster, but he knew something that never failed: decapitation!
Barnabus walked counterclockwise around his opponent. He could see that the young man was obviously well trained in the martial arts. He could not take this opponent lightly.
He feinted in, Lincoln twirled his axe, and Barnabus leaned out in time to see the blade fly past his face.
He repeated the move, feinting and retreating, and constantly moving in a counter-clockwise direction.
Finally having the position he wanted, he feinted in and then retreated, and his back hit the wall of the nearby warehouse. Lincoln swung he axe overhead, and brought it down, only to see Barnabus leap away. The axe continued in its flight, and connected with the wooden wall, sticking fast.
Before he could free the weapon, Barnabusc charged in, and shoved with his hands, sending his opponent flying backwards.
He rolled across the cobblestones, and leaped up, rapidly drawing his wooden stake.
Barnabus looked at the stake, and stepped back, into the shadows of the warehouse.
Lincoln slashed forward, driving the stake with two hands. But, the stake met...nothing. Barnabus was no longer there.
Abraham turned on his heel, and looked behind him, then he turned again, and again, but his opponent was nowhere to be seen.
He stepped to the warehouse wall, and put his hand on the handle of his axe, when suddenly a growl sounded to his right.
He turned, and saw a large dog step out of the darkness. And then another, and another. A pack of wild dogs surrounded him, dogs looking more wolf than dog.
He wrenched his axe out of the wall, and twirled it into a ready position. He eyed the snarling dogs and stood ready.
Barnabus had been flying in bat-form above his opponent, and he chose this moment to change back. His weight bore the young man to the ground.
He reached down and picked the young man by the lapels, leaving his feet dangling above the ground.
Lincoln drew his large knife, and stabbed it into the vampire’s arm. Barnabus dropped the man, and stepped back. Lincoln raised his knife.
Suddenly, a wild dog seized Lincoln’s left ankle in its powerful jaws. He turned, and slashed at the dog with his knife. But, as quickly as the first dog jumped back, another jumped in, and grabbed his right ankle, pulling him to his knees.
Abraham laid about himself with the knife, slashing and stabbing.
Moving too fast to see, Barnabus seemed to materialize among the dogs. With one hand, he grabbed the man’s throat and lifted into the air, and with the other, he grabbed the wrist of his knife hand. He squeezed, and the young man was forced to drop the knife.
“You should not meddle in things beyond your comprehension!” he snarled, stepping forward, carrying Abraham like a sack of potatoes.
He pressed the man’s back against the wall of the warehouse. Then he pulled him back, and slammed him against the wall. “You really shouldn’t!”
He slammed him against the wall again and again.
Finally, he let go of his opponent, who collapsed bonelessly to the ground.
K.O.! []
Lottie Hatfield woke up, and looked around. What had happened to her? She wondered.
Maine was getting too strange for her anymore. She was ready to go as far away as she could. There was a ship preparing to leave for the Pacific Northwest, perhaps it was time to see new parts.
Results[]
Boomstick: Ouch, now that was a crushing defeat!
Wiz: In truth this fight was not completely one-sided. Abraham Lincoln was a highly trained vampire hunter, and when you come down to it, Barnabus Collins was a fairly standard vampire.
Boomstick: The problem was that compared to the vampires that old Honest Abe fought, Collins had a few extra powers, and a few fewer weaknesses.
Wiz: His ability to shapeshift, and his ability to summon wild dogs was something that Lincoln had never encountered before.
Boomstick: And, while a silver bullet to the heart could kill Barnabus, a shot to the head couldn’t.
Wiz: So, in fact the vampire hunter probably could have expected to win a third of the fights against Barnabus, but we had to go with the one most likely to win any given battle.
Boomstick: And so, the fight went to the man...er...monster with the most tricks up his sleeve, Barnabus Collins!
Next Time[]
Bond villains, they’re some of the most awesome bad guys in the movies, but what happens when they go head-to-head? We’ll find out when we present Jaws vs. Oddjob.
Trivia[]
- Lottie Hatfield is a character from the 1968 to 1970 television series, Here Come the Brides. That show was set in Seattle, Washington, in about 1870, when it was still just a logging town. Lottie ran the only saloon/hotel in town. In this story, I imagine Lottie years before the events of Here Come the Brides.
Cameo Appearances[]
- Professor Eliot Stokes