| Abraham Lincoln (Vampire Hunter) vs. Colonel Ives (Ravenous) | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Season 3, Episode 3 | |
| Air date | April 2, 2018 |
| Written by | I'm Lynda |
| Episode guide | |
| Previous Batman (Thomas Wayne) vs. The Comedian |
Next AIDA vs. Sonny |
Abraham Lincoln (Vampire Hunter) vs. Colonel Ives (Ravenous) is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features Abraham Lincoln from the Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter media franchise, and Colonel Ives from the 1999 movie, Ravenous.
Description[]
It’s the early 19th century, and strange things are afoot. But, what happens when a vampire hunter meets a wendigo?
Interlude[]
Boomstick: When we watch movies, it’s surprising that the heroes always just happen to have whatever it takes to defeat the villain. But, what happens when you shake things up, and toss a completely different villain at the hero? One that he’s never seen before?
Wiz: Well, today we are going to find out. The hero in this case is Abraham Lincoln, the hero of the best-selling book and hit movie, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.
Boomstick: And, the villain is Colonel Ives, the cannibal villain of the movie, Ravenous. And, you can figure out what he is ravenous for!
Wiz: I’m Wiz, and he’s Boomstick.
Boomstick: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Abraham Lincoln[]
Wiz: Abraham Lincoln: rail splitter, lawyer, politician, and sixteenth President of the United States.
Boomstick: Wiz, you forgot to mention, “vampire killing bad-ass!”
Wiz: That’s right. Though it is not widely known, all his life Abraham Lincoln fought and killed that scourge of the human race, vampires.
Boomstick: It all started when a vampire killed Abe’s mother, and his father was too afraid to do anything. Right then and there, Abe decided that he would kill vampires wherever they were. And, well, that pursuit nearly got him killed right out of the chute!
Wiz: It turned out that vampires were a lot harder to kill than Mr. Lincoln had assumed. Fortunately, he met another archenemy of vampires everywhere, Henry Sturges. Though Henry himself was a vampire, he despised the actions of evil vampires, so he agreed to train the young man in hunting and killing vampires.
Boomstick: He taught him how to use guns, knives, wooden stakes, and even his bare hands to fight the monsters. But, most of all, he taught Abe how to use the weapon that he loved best, his handy-dandy ax!
Wiz: No, the best thing that Henry taught him was to not rush in, but to always have a plan, *and* a backup plan.
Boomstick: And, after all that, Abe was ready to go out and kick some vampire ass. He was an expert with the ax, and could use it like some sort of American samurai!
Wiz: He also always carried knives, a couple of pistols, and, when at all possible, a rifle.
Boomstick: And though vampires are inhumanly strong, and can open you up with one swipe of their razor-sharp claws, Abe was trained to go hand-to-hand with them, if necessary.
Wiz: However, this vampire hunter is no superhero. He’s a trained killing machine, but for all that, he’s only human. He can only lift so much weight, and he can only take so much damage.
Boomstick: But, don’t sell him short. It’s not for no reason that he was known as “Abraham Lincoln, the vampire splitter!”
Wiz: Or something like that, anyway.
Colonel Ives[]
Boomstick: Everybody’s got their favorite food. It might be pepperoni pizza, or hamburgers, or tacos...or, um, hotdogs, or...um...
Wiz: Vegetables?
Boomstick: Maybe, if you’re a rabbit! But real men eat meat. And, the most dangerous of men eat the other white meat – human!
Wiz: Colonel Ives was a soldier, living in the early years of the nineteenth century. But, like a lot of people in that day and age, he contracted tuberculosis. He felt his life slowly draining away, until the day that a native scout told him the legend of the Wendigo. The story says that if a man eats the flesh of another man, he gains his strength.
Boomstick: So, Ives ate him. And it turned out that he was right! The symptoms of his disease began to disappear, and he felt stronger and more durable than he had ever been before.
Wiz: But, the downside of the Wendigo story was that once you have tried human flesh, you develop an insatiable hunger for it. As such, he began luring people into traps, where Col. Ives could trap them, and consume them at his leisure.
Boomstick: Yeah, he became quite a gourmet when it came to cooking and eating that old long pig.
Wiz: Eww. And, Ives came up with a scheme to get all of the human meat that he could want. He would take over an army fort in the Sierra Nevada Mountains, make a couple of converts from the garrison, eat the rest, and then set up shop preying on settlers passing through the mountains.
Boomstick: It was nearly a foolproof plan, but it turned out that his converts were not all that thrilled with their new lives. As one of them said, “It's lonely being a cannibal; tough making friends.”
Wiz: However, Ives is a hard man to put down.
Boomstick: That’s right. His Wendigo status gives him strength beyond that of a normal man, and he can take damage like nobody’s business. In one fight, he was stabbed with a pitchfork, chopped with a hatchet, beaten with a club, and had a shed collapsed on top of him.
Wiz: But don’t think that Ives is immortal. He can take a tremendous amount of damage, but he can only really recover from it if he can eat more human meat.
Boomstick: Ah! Human, the breakfast of champions.
Wiz: Now that’s disgusting.
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set; let’s end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: Its time for a DEATH BATTLE!
DEATH BATTLE![]
Pre-Fight []
Abraham Lincoln sat on a bench whittling down a piece of wood to a pile of mere shavings. His grandfather could whittle up a work of art – an animal, or a man, or something completely whimsical. Abe himself was a deft hand at whittling, but today he was not focused on what he was doing with the knife, instead he was listening in intently to the noises coming out of the window above his head.
He had never before been west of the Mississippi, but Henry Sturgis’s letter telling him that something disturbing was going on out here captured his attention. It was cryptic, even by Henry’s standards.
He had arrived at Fort Spencer, in the Sierra Nevada Mountains, after something strange had happened and the seven-man garrison was nearly wiped out during an expedition.
As near as Abe could piece together a survivor by the name of Captain Boyd had wandered back to the Fort, his wits muddled, ranting something about the men being eaten by some sort of human monster.
Well, Abe was very familiar with human-looking monsters, and they were called vampires.
Abe continued whittling as he listened to Boyd trying to convince General Slauson of the veracity of his story, but the General would not believe him. When the fort’s new commander, Colonel Ives walked in, Boyd collapsed, insisting that that man was the monster. Abe’s knife slipped, and cut a small line in his finger. Abe put the finger in his mouth and began considering.
He had met Col. Ives when he had arrived at the fort. The man had not worn the smoked glass spectacles that the vampires needed, and when Abe had shaken the man’s hand it had all the warmth of a living man’s hand.
As near as Abe could tell, no one at the fort was a vampire, and few people had as much experience in sniffing out vampire as he did. Something strange was going on.
Abe flicked his hand, and sent his knife flying towards a tree stump. It struck the stump and embedded itself in the wood, the handle vibrating in the cool mountain air.
He laid himself a plan. He would make a show of leaving the fort, travel a few days away, and then double back and keep an eye on the fort and its garrison. Especially Col. Ives
He pulled the knife out, and then tossed it at a post in front of a small building. With unerring accuracy it struck the post and embedded itself several inches into the wood.
Abraham was trekking through the snow when he saw the native woman from Fort Spencer hurrying down the mountain, her face etched with horror. He knew that he needed to get back to the fort as soon as possible.
Slipping into the fort after dark, Abe sneaked around its buildings. He spotted Col. Ives eating a meal. Sitting with him was Capt. Boyd, looking a good deal worse for wear. The man seemed to have suffered greatly, but the other officer appeared totally unconcerned.
Deciding to check the fort, Abe drifted from building to building looking for the rest of the garrison, but finding nothing. Nothing, that is, until he entered the stables.
There he found the remains of two human bodies. They had been strung up, and butchered like autumn hogs. In spite of all the horror that he had seen, Lincoln’s stomach heaved. He had seen vampires collect blood from people, but never harvest their flesh. He needed to lay his plans to stop this...abomination, whatever it was.
The next morning, Col. Ives entered the bailey of the fort, and worked on butchering the body of another man. When he was done, he strolled across the bailey, and climbed a ladder into a tower. Abe removed his ax from his backpack, and went out in search of a whetstone. After finding one, he sat down on a bench, and began sharpening the blade.
Eventually, Col. Ives climbed down from the tower and began walking across the bailey. When he spotted Abraham, he stopped short, a look of surprise on his face.
Overcoming his surprise, the Colonel removed a smoldering cigar from his mouth, and said to Abe, “Ah, Mr. Lincoln, isn’t it? I thought that you had left.”
Abraham ran his thumb across the edge of the ax’s blade. It was sharp enough to shave with. “Well, it turns out that my business here isn't finished,” he drawled.
Colonel Ives took another puff from his cigar, and blew the smoke up into the clear mountain air. “Well, in that case, you really must join us for breakfast,” he said smiling.
Abe lifted up the ax and showed the head to Col. Ives. “I find this ax very useful,” he said, his eyes boring into Ives’. “The head is coated in silver.”
Ives chuckled, and blew out some more cigar smoke. “It’s a pretty ax, I’ll grant you, but silver is hardly a useful metal for chopping wood.”
Abe’s eyes narrowed as he studied the man. “Where are your fangs?” he suddenly demanded.
Col. Ives looked genuinely surprised. “My what?” he asked chuckling. “Mr. Lincoln, I think that you have been too long in the mountains by yourself. Come. It’s time to eat.”
Suddenly, Ives charged forward bowling into Abe.
FIGHT! []
The ax flew out of Abe’s hand, and Ives picked him up and charged forward, carrying the man like a sack of potatoes.
They collided with the wall of a building, and the air exploded out of Abe’s lungs as stars danced before his eyes.
Ives rained a series of punches on Abe’s torso, and he feared the each mighty blow was breaking his ribs.
But, Abe was an experienced fighter, and he knew what to do in a clench. He brought his hand up, and then swung his elbow into the side of the smaller man’s temple. Ives legs began to crumple underneath him.
Abe grabbed the man’s hair, and pulled his head back. He punched the man once, twice and then a third time in the face. Then he turned and rammed him headfirst into the wall.
Abraham staggered to the side, his arms wrapping around his ribs, trying to suppress the pain.
Ives leaped to his feet, and drew a knife from his belt. Always prepared for every eventuality, Abe reached to his left side and drew a knife of his own.
The two men circled each other, each testing his opponent with a series of feints.
Finally, Abe’s longer reach paid off, when he feinted with a slash at Ives’ face, only to reverse the slash and pass the knife over the Colonel’s waist.
An angry look bloomed on Ives’ face, as he charged in. Abraham grabbed the other man’s knife hand, as he did the same. The two men heaved and strained in each other’s grip. For all his size and muscles, Abraham could feel that his opponent was actually stronger. So, he reared back, and then headbutted the man in the face.
The Colonel was thrown back some, but then he brought his own head in, headbutting Abe, and sending him sprawling backward. The knife went flying out of his hand.
When Ives closed in with his knife held high, Abe lifted his legs and kicked the man as hard as he could in the stomach. Ives doubled over from the blow, and then Abe lifted his legs and kicked him in the face.
Ives cried out, as his head shot backward and the knife flew from his hand. He shakily staggered several steps backward before collapsing on the ground.
Abraham looked for his knife, but was pleased instead to spot his errant ax. He jumped up, and ran over to the ax, bending to pick it up.
Suddenly, Ives arms closed around Abraham’s ribs, pinning his arms to his sides. He strained, and lifted Abe from the ground, and flipped backward, ramming Abe headfirst into the ground.
Stars danced in Abe’s eyes, and suddenly Ives leaped upon him. Abe lifted the ax, and the two men began grappling for control of the weapon.
Fortunately, Abe was a seasoned wrestler, and he knew just what to do. He pushed the ax down towards their stomachs, and then heaved with his whole body, throwing Ives over his head and wresting the ax from his grip.
Abe stood up, and began twirling his ax as Henry had taught him. The weapon whirled around one shoulder, and then his waist, and then around his other shoulder before coming up ready to his right.
Ives charged in, and Abe swung the ax, but Ives moved fast and caught the ax on its crossway swing. He pivoted and jerked Lincoln off his feet and threw him to the ground.
Abraham fought his way to his knees, as the two men wrestled for the ax. But, Henry had trained him well with the weapon. As both men held the ax at the belly of the handle, Abe shifted his shoulders, and sent the knob into Ives’ crotch.
Ives eyes went wide, and he cried out in pain. Abraham shifted his shoulders again, and brought the flat of the head into Ives’ face. The other man’s eyes glazed over, and he fell backward, onto his backside.
Abraham stood up, and raised the ax. Ives turned his face down, and spat blood from his bloodied mouth onto the ground. He smiled, and said, “That was really sneaky.”
Then, like lightning, he leaped up from the ground and grabbed Abe around the waist. Lincoln’s training kicked in, and he quickly brought the handle down onto the back of Ives’ head, and lifted his knee, kneeing the man in the face.
The Colonel staggered backward a couple of steps, and then stepped forward to attack again. But, his face looked dazed, and his strength was waning. Abraham brought the knob of the ax around and crashed it into the side of Ives’ face, spinning him around.
The ax continued on a wide arc around Abe’s body, and sliced in from the right, taking Ives’ head from his shoulders.
Blood spurted for a moment, and then the body collapsed to the ground.
K.O.! []
Abraham Lincoln walked over to the body of Colonel Ives. It was only at this moment that he realized that he was panting from the exertion of the fight.
He reached down, and touched the body; it was warm. Whatever Col. Ives had been, he had not been a vampire. When he got back East, Abe decided, he would ask Henry Sturgis about the man.
He suddenly realized that he could hear the sound of distant hoof beats. Someone was coming.
Abe quickly gathered his belongings and slipped out of the fort. He wanted to avoid giving answers to questions that no one would believe.
Results[]
Boomstick: No breakfast for Colonel Ives, it seems.
Wiz: No. Col. Ives was a worthy opponent, but in fact he was just not a match for his opponent.
Boomstick: Honest Abe was only human, but he was trained to fight beings of superior speed and strength. He killed vampires left and right.
Wiz: And, while Ives was fast and strong, he was neither as fast nor as strong as the vampires that Mr. Lincoln was trained to overcome.
Boomstick: In a lopsided battle like this, there was just no way that Col. Ives could come out...ahead.
Wiz: The winner is Abraham Lincoln, Wendigo Hunter.
Next Time[]
Next time on Death Battle! we bring together two androids of the near-future to battle it out machine-o a machine-o, when we present, AIDA vs. Sonny!