Abraham Lincoln VS John F. Kennedy is a What-If? Death Battle written by DiAma1.
Interlude[]
Wiz: Every four years, the United States votes to elect a new leader, a commander in chief to defend the nation. But what if the president had to singlehandedly fight hordes of the undead? Would they be able to handle it? Well, these two could!
Boomstick: Abraham Lincoln, the Vampire Hunter!
Wiz: And John F. Kennedy, the zombie killer.
Boomstick: He's Wiz, and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win in a Death Battle!
Abraham Lincoln[]
Wiz: In 1818, Abraham Lincoln's mother fell ill to an unknown disease, and died soon after.
Boomstick: Now, history books will tell you that this was milk sickness, which is caused when you drink milk from a cow that's eaten a poisonous plant. But the truth is a little bit crazier. See, mama Lincoln was poisoned by the bite of a vampire, specifically her former boss Jack Barts.
Wiz: Knowing that Barts was responsible for the death of his mother, Abraham Lincoln swore revenge. After the death of his father, Lincoln took a gun and tracked Barts down, shooting him straight in the face.
Boomstick: Barts didn't die, though, since he's, y'know, an immortal bloodsucking demon. He overpowered Lincoln, but Abe was saved by a man named Henry Sturgess. Sturgess was a vampire hunter, and he took Abraham under his wing and taught him the art of murdering the undead.
Wiz: In order to kill vampires, Abraham Lincoln carries an axe laced in silver, which is deadly to vampires.
Boomstick: Silver? Are you sure you're not mixing up vampires with werewolves?
Wiz: Lincoln wields his axe with deadly accuracy and immense force. He was able to cut through most of a tree over a foot thick with a single slice, and can manipulate his weapon like an extension of himself.
Boomstick: His axe isn't just an axe, though; it's also a gun! That's right, attached to the end of his axe is a blunderbuss loaded with silver! He used this gun to kill his mortal enemy Jack Barts, and then chopped his head off, as you do.
Wiz: Lincoln is more than a warrior, though; he's also a great tactician and president. As vampires began to form the Confederacy to keep slavery alive so they could feed-
Boomstick: The Civil War was over vampires?!
Wiz: Ahem. Lincoln used cunning and strategy to defeat them once and for all at the Battle of Gettysburg by supplying the Union troops with silver weapons.
Boomstick: Having finally defeated the vampire threat in America and winning the Civil War, ol' Abraham was finally happy. He went to celebrate by going to a theater with his wife, but we all know what happened next. And so, that was the end of Abraham Lincoln... or was it?
Wiz: See, this is where the movie and the novel differ. In the movie, Lincoln died once and for all after his assassination, but in the book, Henry turned Lincoln into a vampire to keep him alive. As a vampire, he's basically immortal, and can only be killed by silver.
Boomstick: Vampires have incredible strength and powers, such as super speed and the power to turn invisible.
Wiz: As a vampire, Abraham Lincoln should be comparable to his friend Henry Sturgess, who was able to hold a train from falling with one hand for a few seconds. He should also be much faster, as vampires are able to blitz ordinary humans.
Boomstick: Through all his struggles Abraham Lincoln never backed down from a fight, and even in death he fights on!
Wiz: Lincoln was a president, a lawyer, and a leader, but first and foremost he was a hunter.
John F. Kennedy[]
Wiz: On November sixth, 1963, President John F. Kennedy met in the Pentagon with Cuban president Fidel Castro, vice president Richard Nixon, and secretary of defense Robert McNamara to discuss the Cuban Missile Crisis and how to proceed with diplomacy going forward.
Boomstick: Sadly, this meeting never came to fruition because they were so rudely interrupted by a horde of zombies breaking into the Pentagon!
Wiz: Lucky for them, the Pentagon was loaded with weapons and power-ups, allowing them to fight off the zombies with Kennedy leading them.
Boomstick: Starting off, Kennedy has access to an M1911 semi-automatic pistol, a combat knife, and M67 grenades, which are like the bread and butter of zombie killing. Don't worry though, there are way more weapons available.
Wiz: Like the Stakeout pump-action shotgun, the M16 machine gun, claymore mines, the MP5K submachine gun, and the M14 assault rifle.
Boomstick: But wait, there's more! Kennedy also can wield the China Lake pump-action grenade launcher, the SPAS-12 shotgun, the Dragunov semi-automatic sniper rifle, a crossbow, the G11 three-round burst assault rifle, the M72 LAW rocket launcher, and monkey bombs, which are literally bombs made out of toy monkeys! Trust me when we say that we've barely touched the surface of the weapons that JFK can wield. This guy is a walking armory!
Wiz: John's most powerful weapons, however, are the Ray Gun, which can shoot high-speed bursts of explosive energy, and the Winter's Howl, which can freeze zombies in a block of ice. The Ray Gun in particular has been shown in other Call of Duty games to be able to casually explode tanks.
Boomstick: Those aren't real guns, are they?
Wiz: No. Speaking of departure from the real world, Kennedy isn't exactly a normal human. When he's not taking damage, he has a healing factor that allows him to return to full health in seconds. He also is seemingly immune to being corrupted by zombies bites.
Boomstick: So we've established that he's strong, but he can get even stronger! By popping a Perk-a-Cola he can improve his stats drastically. With a Juggernog he increases his durability, and Double-Tap increases his fire rate. He can even use Quick Revive to come back to life after being killed! Wait, wouldn't that make him a zombie?
Wiz: And with the Death Machine power-up, he gets a minigun that can fire constantly for 30 seconds straight. He can't use any other weapons or Perk-a-Colas when using this power-up, however.
Boomstick: Still, that's not a bad trade-off when the minigun has infinite ammo!
Wiz: John F. Kennedy does has weaknesses, though. For one, he can be easily overwhelmed by hordes of zombies if he isn't careful, and he needs to reload his weapons, which leaves him vulnerable. Canonically, he eventually died to the zombies.
Boomstick: Still, with his massive amount of weapons and stat boosts, he's an incredibly powerful fighter.
Wiz: Any undead foe that meets the barrel of his gun best pray, because John F. Kennedy will not back down without a fight.
Intermission[]
Wiz: All right, the combatants are set, and we've run the data through all possibilities!
Boomstick: It's time for a Death Battle!
Death Battle[]
John F. Kennedy was fighting off a horde of zombies in the Pentagon. In his hand he held an M1911 semi-automatic pistol, and he shot through the heads of three zombies before reloading his gun. He ran around a corner to see another zombie, but as he prepared to shoot it, its head suddenly fell off. As the body fell to the ground, president Abraham Lincoln stood behind it, with a tall hat on his head and a bloody axe in hand.
Kennedy: I appreciate the help, mister president, but I can handle it from here.
Lincoln: Oh, I'm not here to kill zombies John. As a vampire, I need to feed, and with this zombie apocalypse going on there just aren't enough living humans to hunt anymore. So I found you.
Kennedy: With all due respect Mr. Lincoln, over my dead body.
Lincoln: Gladly.
Kennedy blasted forward three shots, which Lincoln blocked by spinning his axe. Lincoln ran forward and kicked Kennedy, sending him rolling backwards. Kennedy recovered quickly and grabbed a SPAS-12 shotgun up from the ground next to him. He blasted Lincoln in the chest, sending him flying back, but Lincoln landed on his feet and seemed otherwise unaffected by the shot.
Lincoln: Boy, bullets don't work on me!
Kennedy: We'll see about that.
Kennedy shot forward two more shots, both of which Lincoln dodged with super speed. He then turned invisible and Kennedy began to look around frantically. Suddenly from behind him, an axe swung, which Kennedy ducked just in time to dodge. He pulled out a combat knife and swung at Lincoln's leg, cutting into it, but Lincoln didn't seem hurt.
Lincoln punched Kennedy in the face, making his nose bleed, but Kennedy quickly healed and the bleeding stopped almost instantly. Kennedy then pulled his M1911 out and shot Lincoln square in the face, making him stagger backwards. Lincoln stood for a moment before spitting the bullet to the ground with a bit of blood.
Lincoln swung his axe in a downward arc, slicing the gun right out of Kennedy's hand. Kennedy jumped back and picked up a new gun, an MP5K machine gun. He pulled out a Double-Tap bottle and popped the cap off, chugging it all quickly. He then began to shoot bullets rapidly at Lincoln, landing them all squarely in his chest. Lincoln began to walk forwards through the barrage, tanking the bullets and slowly pushing towards Kennedy. As Kennedy's clip emptied, he tried to reload, but Lincoln grabbed the barrel of the gun and snapped it in half.
Lincoln slammed the blunt end of his axe into Kennedy's gut, knocking him to the ground. He then swung his axe, chopping off his opponent's head. Lincoln closed his eyes and began to breathe heavily, thinking the fight was over. When he opened his eyes, however, Kennedy stood in front of him, holding an empty bottle of Quick Revive in his hand. He smashed the glass bottle over Lincoln's head, and shanked him in the gut with the broken bottle. He then pulled out a minigun from seemingly nowhere and began to fire a concentrated stream of bullets towards his opponent.
Lincoln quickly turned invisible, and the bullets missed. For thirty seconds straight, Kennedy spun with his minigun in every direction, destroying chunks of the wall around him. Unbeknownst to him, Lincoln was hiding around a corner, bleeding onto the ground and panting. He put his axe into blunderbuss mode, and quickly popped out from his shelter and shot. The ball of silver hit the minigun square on, knocking it out of Kennedy's hands. When Lincoln got out from behind the corner, however, he couldn't see his foe.
As Abraham walked into the center of the room, he gripped onto his axe tightly. He stepped forward, and felt something against his foot. He looked down and saw a toy monkey clashing little cymbals together. He picked up the toy, confused. Suddenly, it exploded, knocking him across the room onto his back. When he opened his eyes, Kennedy stood in front of him, dual-wielding two futuristic-looking weapons; the Ray Gun and the Winter's Howl.
Abraham Lincoln snarled and bared his vampire fangs before jumping up and swinging his axe, but was stopped by a blast from the Winter's howl, which froze him in place. He tried to move, but was covered in ice and couldn't escape. Kennedy casually walked up to his immobilized opponent and placed a monkey bomb in his hands. He then walked back a distance and aimed down the sights of his Ray Gun and shot, releasing a ring of energy that hit the toy monkey square-on. A massive explosion enveloped Lincoln, and ice flew everywhere. When the dust cleared, All that was left was Lincoln's legs, still frozen to the ground in ice, and his axe on the ground. As Kennedy walked forward, Abraham's head fell from above and landed in his hands. He looked down at the head and said one final thing before dropping it:
Kennedy: It's been an honor, mister president.
KO!
Suddenly, the sounds of zombies began to grow louder as they entered the room. Kennedy picked up Lincoln's axe and began to fight them off.
Results[]
Boomstick: Hail to the Chief!
Wiz: This battle was surprisingly close! While Kennedy had a large range of weapons, Lincoln was immune to most of them as a vampire. He also had the power to turn invisible, which JFK had never encountered before.
Boomstick: The thing is, Lincoln just wasn't powerful enough to overcome Kennedy. While Lincoln had the ability to cut through a large tree, which is a wall-level feat, Kennedy can take hits from wall-level zombies all the time, and he can heal from any injury he takes.
Wiz: And while Abraham certainly could have killed JFK by cutting off his head, the Quick Revive cola meant that he could just keep coming back.
Boomstick: But Wiz! I thought Lincoln could only be killed by silver weapons!
Wiz: While that may be true in most cases, Lincoln had never faced a weapon with the pure raw power of the Ray Gun. That thing is able to destroy tanks, which is more than enough power to completely obliterate him. It's kinda like that Robot Chicken sketch with the werewolf.
Werewolf: Only a silver bullet can kill me!
The werewolf is then turned into a fine red paste by a minigun, put into a bucket, and lit on fire.
Boomstick: Hah... that never gets old. But yeah, JFK just had way more power, and his perks gave him the hax necessary to keep up with Lincoln's supernatural powers.
Wiz: It's not like Lincoln could have turned him into a vampire either, since Kennedy is immune to zombiefication, making it unlikely that he could be turned into a vampire too. Plus, it's been established that vampires can't kill other vampires, making that a moot point anyways. While Lincoln totally could have killed Kennedy if given the right chance and if Kennedy didn't have Quick Revive, it was just far more likely that he would be overpowered by Kennedy's vast arsenal, perks, and raw strength.
Boomstick: Looks like Lincoln shouldn't have monkeyed around!
Wiz: The winner is John F. Kennedy.