8-bit Theater Battle Royale

Description

"These four... "heroes" have tried to kill each other for years (Mostly BM)! Now's finally their moment to end things once and for all!"

Beginning

Boom: In the world of Final fantasy I, four brave heroes teamed up to defeat Chaos and save the world from certain doom...

-record needle scratch-

Wiz: Sadly, this is a different story. These four are surely not heroes, and they didn't exectly save the world.

Boom: They had arguments, mostly.

Wiz: Like Black Mage Evilwizardington, The Murderous Sorcerer!

Boom: or Fighter McWarrior, The Dumb Muscle!

Wiz: Or Red Mage Statcowski, The Magic Munchkin!

Boom: Or Thief, the Impossible... Thief!

Black Mage

Wiz: Normally, dark powers are associated with evil people...

Boom: And it couldn't be truer for Black Mage Evilwizardington!

Wiz: After being kicked from the Black Mage school for being too evil, Black Mage met Fighter McWarrior, and became, not that he wanted, his BFF. After some misadventures, he accidentally joined the Light Warriors, four heroes who were meant to save the universe from Chaos.

Boom: And by “saving the universe” we mean destroying it with fire, cause that's what he does. (Shows him burning down a Dwarf City.)

Wiz: And he's pretty good at it, too. His Fire3 can burn down a city in six minutes, and his Bolt2 has killed three people in one shot. He is rather knowledgeable of all kinds of magic, and is a surprisingly good fighter with his knives, too.

Boom: He may not be able to break through Fighter's armour, but he's shattered an iceberg and killed two groups of cultists with only his knives!

Wiz: After promoting to Black Wizard, he became able to use the mysterious Blue Magic, that allows him to use any kind of spell if he manages to survive it. So far, the only useful spell he got with it is the Goblin Punch, a kick powerful enough to send a monster skyrocketing in the sky.

Boom: Luckily for him, he can take all the abuse he wants, and then some!

Wiz: But his most powerful spell is the Hadouken! (Shows BM Using the Hadouken on the Giant) This spell syphons the love out of the universe in a blast with a seemingly limitless power, being able to wipe the dinosaurs from the Earth, shooting BM away when he uses it.

Boom: Sadly, he can't really seem to aim it properly. He managed to somehow miss A FREAKING VOLCANO with it! Considering he can only use it once per day, that's not a good combination.

Wiz: His bad aim is only one of his many flaws. He is very prone to anger, that makes his intelligence decrease esponentially, and he's…

Boom: EVIL! It's in the fricking name! He’s so evil that even his hatless face causes madness to those who see it! He's so neferious that the Castle of Ordeals couldn't find anything worse than him to represent his inner demons!

Wiz: And while he was supposed to defeat it, he instead absorbed it and raised his evilness to incredible levels! Normally, there's no difference, but when angered, he'll enter an ultimate dark form that we'll call “Evil Mage”

Boom: Real original name…

Wiz: This form has greatly inhanced durability, can make knives rain from the ski, and can shoot out evil tendrils to impale foes.

Boom: His Hadouken turns pitch black and is much more powerful, and if he puts all of his evilness into it, it'll reach such a power that the omnipotent wizard Sarda admits that the attack could have killed him! Sadly, that also kinda sends him back to the original form.

Wiz: Black Mage may look like a stinky wimp, but make that mistake and you'll see why he's a living Nexus!

Boom: Wait, what does that mean?

”I AM THE BLACK MAGE! I CAST THE SPELLS THAT MAKE PEOPLE FALL DOWN!”

Fighter

Wiz: Trained in the Vargus' School since the age of six, Fighter McWarrior is a formidable swordsman!

Boom: He's got only one little problem... He's an idiot.

Wiz: Pretty much. He believes Black Mage is just a misunderstood helper, despite being stabbed by him many times, and somehow thought that Chaos, who was about to destroy the universe, was a nice guy. If he's not stupid, then he's really naive.

Boom: His stupidity is such that he manages to bend the laws of physics! (Shows Fighter cloning in four because he thought there were four of him and assaulting Dr. Swordopolis)

Wiz: Luckily for him, Fighter is strong enough to take all the physical abuse that comes with his stupidity. He survived a point-blank blast from Black Mage, his armour is almost stabproof, and managed to survive drowning thanks to his brain consuming no oxygen. Even when stabbed in the brain, he suffered no permanent effects. Even his internal organs imploding didn't faze him too much.

Boom: He's also got some nice sword skills! He is trained in the twelve schools of Zodiac Kenshido, and knows how to use them! He's fought against various swordsmen, like the dark elf Drizz'l, who attacked him from four different points at once, but Fighter blocked all the attacks, or against the fiend Kari, who has six arms and a worse temper then my ex-wife!

Wiz: He also taught himself the Glorious Chainzaw Method, described as "doing unto your swords if they were chainsaws", and has slashed through twelve dragons at a time. He can throw his swords hard enough to go through a giant's skull!

Boom: But my favourite weapon of his are the BOOM-CHUCKS!

Wiz: Sword-Chucks, Boomstick, Sword-chucks.

(Swinging noises and gun shots are heard, and then a Whilhelm scream)

Boom:... Whoopsie...

Wiz: After his promotion to Warrior he be-

Boom: Wait. Are you telling me that a man named Fighter McWarrior trained to become a Fighter and then was upgraded to Warrior? Really?

Wiz: He obtained an even tougher armour and the ability to block... Pretty much everything! He was even able to block Evil Mage's evil tendrils, or, when the entire party was falling at terminal velocity, he blocked the ground and saved them all! (Ridicolously complicated calculation here)

Boom: How do you kill this guy? Even if he hadn't blocked, he survived a fall from 10.000 Feet or more!

Wiz: Well, he's very stupid. While he's shown surprising outbursts of intelligence from time to time, he's incredibly easy to fool and ready to believe any kind of lie.

"I like Swords."

Thief

Wiz: The prince of Elf Land, Thief has-

Boom: Wait, Thief? That's it?

Wiz: Pretty much, yeah. As I was saying, despite being the prince of Elf Land, Thief has an unhealthy fascination for stealing, and, although he did at first have an excuse, since his father was sick and he needed money for it, has no regrets about it whatsoever.

Boom: And he's darn good at it too! He's the smartest of the group, and has easily fooled all his "allies" multiple times. He's also apparently great at brainwashing, being able to create a false, traumatizing past for Red Mage and making him believe it.

Wiz: He has once been able to steal away Fighter's swords and armour, which Fighter was currently wearing, in a quick dash, and then put it back just as quickly without Fighter even noticing!

Boom: While he usually prefers leaving the fighting to the others, Thief is no slouch at that, either! He's easily disarmed BM in a knife fight, and knocked out two elves without even looking! And look at how he spins those daggers!

Wiz: After being promoted to Ninja, he gained various martial arts skills, but mostly the ability to throw stuff. While it doesn't sound too awesome, in practice it means that he could grab everything at hand, like a Chtulhu-like creature, and throw it hard enough to make it bounce on the ceiling and walls like a rubber ball!

Boom: Of course, with all those powers your self-esteem's gonna go up, but this guy exaggerates it! He believes elves are a superior race, and considers humans stupid animals.

Wiz: While smart, his ego often makes him do stupid mistakes, like believing dragons don't exist despite having already seen many!

"Oh, I steal souls and secrets."

Red Mage

Wiz: The last of the Order of the Red Mages, Red Mage Statscowski is a wizard that believes that the universe goes by RPG rules-

Boom: And loves to abuse them!

Wiz: The last of a cult of mages dedicated to the creation of the ultimate roleplayer, Red Mage is, like the class he's inspired from, able to cast both White and Black magic spells, which gives him a good versability, and he can also fight with swords.

Boom: He's been seen casting various spells, like Cure, Ice, Life3, Haste, Feather Fall, a disguising spell, a teleporting spell called Exit, Scan, and the strongest spell in existance, Ice9! This theoretical spell will freeze EVERYTHING when cast, which also means... him, too. he was able to use it to kill the Fiend Kari by shoving her in an alternate dimension and destroying all of it.

Wiz: He always carries with him two portable holes that lead to other dimensions, called... his A-hole and his B-hole. RM doesn't really think about what he says mostly. His equipment doesn't end there, he's also got a hypercube (looks like a sphere), able to store objects into another dimensions. Inside said dimension, he's holding Fighter's Armoire of Invincibility, aka... an indestructible armoire. It's not too useful.

Boom: Like Black Mage, this guy also received Blue Magic by being upgraded, but he got the kind that doesn't suck! When he sees something, he can mimick it to use it himself, although he can't keep the skill for more than a few seconds, and often doesn't exactly know how to use it.

Wiz: To solve this problem, he instead sometimes chooses to copy... himself, to power up his attacks. Somehow.

Boom: As mentioned before, this guy's one heck of a min-maxer! He thinks he can use his "character sheet" to change his "stats" to fit to the various situations, but that doesn't really work. However, he has a chance of breaking out of spells by rolling a 12 faced dice, and he can "forget" to record damage on his sheet to nullify attacks, like having his skeleton ripped out of his body. Hey, I wanna do that! Wiz, you try hitting me with that cyborg arm of yours, and I forget that it hurts!

(*punching noise*)

Wiz: Did it work?

Boom: Skull... Punctured... Need... Urgent medical attention...

Wiz: Perhaps I should have mentioned Red Mage's durability is rather surprising even without that trick, like not even noticing being set on fire for several minutes after waking up from a coma caused by looking into the datasphere (that looks like a cube).

Boom: Which is pretty much a cube that lets you know every spell in existance and how to kill everything ever. Does that include my ex-wife?

Wiz: Despite containing enough information to wrap around the universe three times, The datasphere does have its limits. It knows only about things that exist or have existed, not eldritch abominations that should have never existed.

Boom: So that's a no?

Wiz: Red Mage likes to refer as itself as the team's tactical genious, but its plans are almost always destined to failure, and he really does believe that he's in a roleplay, even when he's being proved wrong. He tends to never see the easiest way to do things, opting for unnecessarily complicated plans, and is very often fooled by Thief.

Boom: Just don't try to raise his charisma score. He'll kill you for that.

"In the arena of logic, I fight unarmed."

Death Battle!

The four are walking in a grassy field (Man I'm original) while suddenly Black Mage, for seemingly no reason at all (It is Black mage, after all), decides to stab Fighter in the back of the head. Of course, it doesn't do much, he gets up quickly and the four continue walking, as nothing had happened, for a few minutes.

Then, frustrated, Black Mage says: "You guys know, No matter how much I try, I can never seem to kill you."

Fighter: "Is that because you actually love us deep down, and you would be horribly hearthbroken if any of us died?"

BM: "No, I just can't, look!"

(BM tries to hit Red Mage with a fire spell, but he narrowly misses, despite the spell being almost at point blank.)

RM, striking a dramatic pose and: "There would be only one way to solve this, sadly. It is..."

BM: "A happy stab-fest while you guys sleep?" Says Black mage as he pulls out two daggers.

RM: "No, a..." (Lens Flare and fireworks spell) "CLIMATIC FOUR WAY BATTLE ROYALE SIDEQUEST!!!! Dun dun dunnn!"

Thief: "Ah."

BM looks very happy.

The four fighters all ready their weapons: Black Mage's hands sparkle with lightning, while Red Mage's blade is enveloped by an icy aura. Thief crosses his arms in a ninja pose, while Fighter looks at a butterfly passing by.

FIGHT!

Part 1: The Battle Begins!

(Music: Battle Scene)

The four quickly trade some blows, with Black Mage trying to use Fire3 on Thief, who promptly backflips to dodge it and then tries to kick Fighter in the face, but is blocked by the expert swordsman who's also trying to slash at Red Mage, who copies that skill and stabs Black Mage's hat.

Red Mage, raising his arms to the air, whispers to Thief: "Hey, listen, I've got a plan!"

"Aren't we supposed to be enemies?"

"I'm perfectly fine with the Exp. received by killing even only one of us, and Black Mage's clearly the squishiest, frailest and easiest to kill, but also the most dangerous at close range. So you ninja-kick him onto this hypercube I've got here, where I will be able to temporarily imprison him, then-

"How about I just kick him and then you stab him?"

"Uh. Anyway, are you on my team?"

"Uhh... Yes, of course..." (To himself) "Sucker!"

Red Mage turns and, with a dramatic pose, points to Black Mage and casts Ice2 on him, which is quickly blocked by Fighter with the tip of his sword. Putting himself between the two mages, Fighter says, with a dramatic wind blowing trough his hair and epic music playing: "I like swords. Also, you can't hurt my BFF."

Red Mage, pointing his finger at him, reveals his trump card. "Haha! Thief, throw him out of the way!"

...

...

Red Mage, confused, turns, while the camera moves to show that behind Red Mage... there's nobody!

"Thief?"

(Thief, hidden behind a tree) "Suckers!"

Black Mage puts his hands together, in front of him, while a ball of light forms beetween them, glaring at Red Mage. "Well, It seems like your future is RED now! Ha!

you know, red. like blood. because imma kill him. and he's a red mage. You guys have no respect for high-quality comedy!

Aah, whatever. HADOKEN!"

As he points foward, the sphere in his hands turns into a beam of light, that causes a giant explosion, shooting Black Mage in the air and seemingly obliterating the other three.

Black Mage: "I'm so happy I was almost forgetting I don't have Feather Fall anymore. *looks down, seeing his spell's explosion shot him above a desert Well, at least there will only be soft sand to-" *falls on cactus*

Part 2: Nobody's dead, Black Mage.

"Ow. Well, the important thing is that now there's nobody stopping me from ruling the world and stuff. Hmh? Weird, it almost felt like I'd heard the sound of an Hypercu-" SPLAT

A big armoire falls on Black Mage's hat, squashing him, then Red Mage slams the doors of the armoire open, and jumps out. "I always thought this would come in handy again some day."

Slowly, Black Mage crawls out of the Armoire, when he sees a figure hiding behind a tree. Thief jumps out of his hiding place and crosses his arms, pointing his dagger at Black Mage, who groans in pain: "And how did YOU survive that?"

"I bribed the explosion."

Black Mage's left eye begins twitching: "Well, at least Fighter's..."

"Hey, friend, how are you doing?"

Black Mage: (cries)

Thief: "Soo... are we continuing?"

Fighter: I don't see why not!

(Music: Mini Boss)

Thief gets into a battle pose, making his blades spin, while Fighter dashes head-on, parrying the twirling daggers with his swords, and rapidly disarms Thief with a sword uppercut (like, a literal upper-cut.). Before he can finish him off, Red Mage hits him in the back of the head with a fire spell, and begins attacking him with his own swords. Fighter tries a quick stab, but RM dodges it and mimics it, clanging the sword against Fighter's armour. While fending off his attacks, Fighter begins to make his swords vibrate, using the Glorious Chainsaw Method. Red Mage quickly mimics him.

The two duelers clash their blades in a lock, with the vibrations making them almost invisible to the eye.

The music fades.

Rapidly, Fighter disengages from the lock, while everything slows down. He dashes to Red Mage's side, and wounds him fatally.

Black Mage gets up, walks in front of the dying Red Mage, and does a little dance: "Woo! One is gone, only two left, this is awesome! I never thought this moment would ever come but you finally will die, with absolutely no chances of survi-"

"Cure3."

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"

The now fully healed Red Mage stands up and says: "You know, you should really try not to get angry. Considering how squishy and frail you are, you could get an heart attack!"

Fighter, apparently ignoring the fact that twenty seconds earlier Red Mage and him were fighting to the death: "Yeah, you're like a small glass toy under a bull stampede. One's gotta wonder, does the poor bull get his feet hurt?"

Thief, from behind a cactus: "Seriously, you humans are all pathetic, but Black mage sucks even for your standards!"

Black Mage's rage begins to condense in a dark aura...

Part Three: Black-er Mage

BM: "Alright. That's it. I've had it with you. I've had it with these Light Warriors shenanigans. I've had it with the universe making fun of me. Now you die."

(Music: Chaos)

Thief: "Now you die? This is the best line you can think of?"

"You go first."

"Aww."

Thief grabs a big boulder and chucks it at Black Mage, who barely flinches from the blow. Backflipping over him, Thief stabs him in the back, with no result. With a sinister laugh, pulling out a knife and enveloping it with darkness, and unleashes a brutal combo on Thief, making him fall down, helpless. Black Mage prepares the finishing strike... only to find that the knife isn't actually in his hands anymore. Thief gets up, showing that he'd grabbed the weapon, and attacks Black Mage.

"Nice Try."

Without further ado, Black Mage simply blows his head off with a point blank Fire spell, then electrocutes his body and just to be sure, summons a rain of knives to impale the dead, charred body.

K.O!

Red Mage quickly pulls out the datasphere, looking into it in a desperate search for something to kill Black Mage, but he doesn't find anything.

"Uhm, yeah, if you could just give me a min- "

Before he can even finish the sentence, Black Mage stabs him in the arm with an evil tendril, as he tries to pull out a sword. Red Mage casts some light spells, temporarily blinding Black Mage, and then fires a plethora of spells at him, most of them not doing any damage. Black Mage giggles. "Thank you for the spells. I've been waiting quite a while to get some use out of my Blue Magic."

As he says that, he casts the same spells Red Mage used on him, bombing the wizard body until it is nothing but ashes and a character sheet.

K.O!

Fighter pulls out his swords (Why'd he even put them back in? Dramatic effect, I suppose) and, when Black Mage shoots two tendrils at high speed, crosses them to block the attack.

"I'm sorry, my friend, I know you're a good person inside, and that it is only the darkness corrupting you, but I need to put an end to this!"

"Uh, yeah. Do you seriously think your swords can harm the closest thing to a god your puny eyes may ever gaze upon, a being that could shake the very heavens with a single thought?"

"Yes."

"You don't know how much I've been waiting for this."

Black Mage shoots two spells out of his hands, anLid Fighter, while charging, slashes them out of thin air, then reaching Black Mage and unleashing a combo of quick sword strikes, that gets interrupted as Black Mage hits him point blank with an electric spell, makes some knifes fall on his face, then tries to finish him with a darkness tendril coming out of the ground, that Fighter dodges and slashes in half.

Making his blades twirl, Fighter attacks again, only for Black Mage to simply block the blade with his hand, not even flinching.

"Listen. You may parry my attacks as much as you want, but you cannot hurt me. There is only one way this can end, sooner or later."

"You giving up and becoming my friend again?"

"Fine then, if we've gotta do this this way... (Suddenly shouting) THERE'S A SPIDER IN YOUR HAIR!"

"AAAAAAAA GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF AAAAAAAA"

Calmly, Black Mage charges up a Darkness induced Hadouken, as Fighter is running around like a headless chicken, and incinerates him, alongside the rest of the landscape.

K.O!

As the three dead Light Warriors seem to have a discussion with their avatars, Black Mage happily dances on their bodies.

Conclusion

Boom: DARN! You didn't tell me he was this sadistic!

Wiz: Yup, Black Mage was simply on another level compared to the others. But let us begin with the first loser, Thief.

Boom: Simply put, he was outclassed. His tendency to stay away from battles may have given him some time to live in this battle, but it also means he doesn't have as many feats as the others.

Wiz: Yup. As far as we know, he's by far the frailest and less powerful Light Warrior, and he can't even use magic.

Boom: (Sarcastically whiny voice) But Wiz? Why didn't he stay in the back, avoiding Black Mage, or run away?

Wiz: Well, this is a Death Battle, so he had to eventually enter the fight. HIs stupidly big ego and racism against humans pretty much granted he was gonna anger Black Mage, and pay for it.

Boom: (Still with the voice) But how about Red Mage? He had Ice9, and the datasphere would have totally helped him, right?

Wiz: Wrong. Red Mage had already looked into the datasphere when he fought Dark Mage-

Boom: We really need to work on a name.

Wiz: And he didn't seem to have a plan. The datasphere couldn't help him defeat Sarda after he was powered up by the four orbs, a situation similar to BM's. Plus, even if he knew how to kill him, it doesn't mean he could. Ice9 might have taken Dark Mage out, but it would have killed Red Mage too, alongisde everything else, and Red Mage isn't much of a Taking You With Me guy.

Boom: Fighter was the only one that had a chance against Dark Mage, and only thanks to his durability being comparable to Dark Mage's.

Wiz: Exactly. However, while he could parry BM's attacks and maybe even tank some of them, he simply lacked the sheer power to damage him. Plus, he could be very easily tricked into lowering his guard, something Black Mage has done repeatedly in canon.

Boom: It just seems like Black Mage is back in black!

Advantages and Disadvantages

Thief

• + Was the fastest Light Warrior
• + His throwing ability gave him a useful close range and long range tool.
• + Tendency to stay away from battles, along his manipulative intelligence, gave him some chances to live.
• + He could easily steal any Light Warriors' weapons, armor and skills, easily being able to render Fighter harmless.
• - Relatively low durability
• - Never shuts his mouth, provoking beings stronger than him.

Red Mage

• + His Datasphere gave him a way to know how to defeat almost anything
• + Knows literally every spell.
• + Can "forget" to record damage on his chart, with variable results.
• + Ice9 would have probably killed all the other Light Warriors, alongside him.
• + Can copy spells and actions he sees.
• - His plans never seem to work, and even when they do, they usually require the help of his teammates.
• - Likely had no idea how to defeat Dark Mage.

Fighter

• + Could parry literally anything, and had incredible durability.
• + Trained swordsman, likely the most skilled Light Warrior with weapons.
• - Very stupid and easy to manipulate.

Black Mage (Winner)

• + By far the hardest hitting Light Warrior
• + Very durable
• + Dark Mage literally gave him an instant win.
• - Stupid when angered, and easy to anger.
• - Could use the Hadouken only once per day in his normal form.

Next Time on Death Battle...

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