Scott Pilgrim vs. Dan Hibiki (Street Fighter)

Opening
Spider: Martial artists are disciplined and humble warriors who exhibit exceptional awareness of the world around them.

Pixie: Except when they’re absolutely nothing like that. Some martial artists are self-centered ding-bats who force you to question how they even function in daily life. Take Scott Pilgrim, Sex Bob-omb’s two-fisted bass-player.

Spider: Or Dan Hibiki, inventor of the Saikyo style of martial arts.

Pixie: More like Sucky-o. Heh.

Spider: I’m Spider.

Pixie: And I’m Pixie!

Spider: And it’s our job to analyze their power, abilities and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Scott Pilgrim
Pixie: Not so long ago, in the mysterious land of Toronto, Canada, Scott Pilgrim was dating a high schooler. Despite him being 23 years old. That’s pretty damn sketchy, Scott.

Spider: Though he was romantically involved with Knives Chao, the 17 year-old Chinese student of a nearby Catholic school, Scott’s attention was soon drawn to Ramona Flowers, a mysterious blue-haired girl who used roller-blades to travel a dimensional highway in Scott’s brain and speed up her deliveries.

Pixie: …Comics are weird. Unfortunately for Scott, dating Ramona wasn’t going to be easy. To become her new boyfriend, he would have to fight and defeat her Seven Evil Exes. All of whom had super-powers and incredible combat prowess. Gotta say Scott, probably would have been easier to just wait a year for the Chinese girl to turn legal.

Spider: Luckily, Scott proved that he was up to the task. As the best fighter in the province, Scott has demonstrated remarkable hand-to-hand ability. He can launch foes into the air and perform air-juggle combos of as many as 64 hits.

Pixie: He can also leap through the air to deliver awesome, Superman-style punches. But despite being ‘the best fighter in the province’, Scott’s fight-record is even sketchier than his choice of women.

Spider: Scott was utterly out-classed in power and skill by Lucas Lee, an action star and one of Ramona’s evil exes.

Pixie: But he was clever enough to trick Lee into destroying himself by grinding down a rail at lethal speeds.

Spider: …In the movie. In the comics’ canon, Lucas actually offered to take a bribe to throw the fight. So Scott never really defeated him.

Pixie: Oh. But he did beat Gideon, who is just, super-duper stupor powerful, right?

Spider: Yes, but that was only with help from his friends. Scott’s solo-record isn’t that great, and he is often out-classed by those around him.

Pixie: Still, he’s speedy enough to evade and counter-attack a lesbian ninja—

Spider: Actually, she was only a half-ninja.

Pixie: Damn it Spider, stop making Scott seem even lamer than he is!

Spider: Scott also demonstrates a remarkable degree of durability. He has shrugged off being hurled into the side of a distant building, as well as being telekinetically slammed through a brick-wall. While he shows off remarkable skill, speed and durability, however, Scott doesn’t have many notable feats of strength.

Pixie: But he can punch people so hard they turn into coins! Doesn’t that count?

Spider: …No. It doesn’t. Scott has shown that he can return from the dead by using a 1-UP, but to earn a 1-UP, he has to gain points by defeating a multitude of foes first, so he won’t have access to the 1-UP, or to the help of any of his friends during this Death Battle.

Pixie: What about—

Spider: No, he doesn’t get the Cyborg Arm from the video-game, either.

Pixie: Awwww… In addition to his hand-to-hand abilities, Scott can summon a freakin’ awesome flaming katana fueled by the power of his love for Ramona. And a much better one powered by his self-respect.

Spider: While he’s certainly a more powerful combatant than the average Canadian slacker, Scott has his weaknesses, foremost his limited intelligence. He often jumps into a fray without any kind of tactics, such as when he charged Todd the Vegan, and was sent flying by Todd’s telekinetic power before he could get close enough to land a hit.

Pixie: Scott’s stupidity really shines when it comes to understanding other’s feelings and keeping them from getting hurt. He also sucks at witty banter.

[Comic Page shows Scott’s Battle with Matthew Patel]

Scott (singing): You think you’re so great, but you’re missing the point/You gotta have friendship and courage and whatever!

Matthew: That doesn’t even rhyme!

Scott: Shut up!

Spider: But despite his faults, Scott is a genuinely good guy who isn’t afraid to stand up against evil.

[Clip from the Scott Pilgrim Versus the World.]

Gideon: You want to fight me… for her?

Scott:  No. I want to fight you for me.

Dan Hibiki
Pixie: …Why does Dan keep getting to compete in Death Battle, again? He’s like, the worst character in all of fighting games.

Spider: Dan may have a bad reputation, Pixie, but people tend to forget what he’s capable of.

Pixie:  Yeah, he’s capable of sucking so badly at martial arts that his sensei kicked him out in a week.

Spider: That’s… not quite accurate. Master Gouken refused to teach Dan because he learned that Dan’s motivation for learning martial arts was to get revenge against Sagat, a terrifyingly powerful Muay Thai fighter who killed Dan’s father, Go.

Pixie: …Go where?

Spider: No, Dan’s father’s name is Go. Go Hibiki.

Pixie: Oh, right, the guy who gouged out Sagat’s eye. Gotta say, I kinda can’t blame Sagat for killing him after that, but Dan didn’t see it that way. So after Gouken kicked him out, Dan developed his own style based on the tiny bit of knowledge Gouken had given him, dubbing it Saikyo, or Strongest Style… which it isn’t.

Spider: Since Dan hadn’t perfected the moves he learned from Gouken, he attempted to fill the gap by supplementing his style with elements of Muay Thai.

Pixie: Which is pretty ironic, considering that’s the same style that was used to kill his father. He eventually caught up with Sagat and apparently defeated him… but it turns out Sagat actually threw the fight so Dan would be satisfied and leave him the fuck alone. Dan has never actually won a fight against another martial artist, because he sucks harder than an antimatter-powered vacuum.

Spider: The thing to remember here, Pixie, is that Dan is weak compared to the rest of the Street Fighter cast, but all of the other Street Fighters are absurdly powerful by the standards of any real-world martial artist. Considering that Dan is up against boxers who have punched elephants to death, men who have survived having holes punched in their chests and yoga masters who can teleport, breathe fire and stretch their arms twenty feet, it’s hard to blame Dan for falling behind. By real world standards, Dan is a remarkable martial artist, considering he absolutely wiped the floor with a group of thugs single-handed.

Pixie: That is pretty impressive. Despite what Steven Segal movies would have you believe, beating multiple opponents in hand-to-hand combat at the same time doesn’t happen in the real world very often, even if you’re a master of your art.

Spider: In addition to his standard attacks, Dan uses a variety of special moves, including the Koryuken, a flying upper-cut with poor horizontal reach, but enough power to knock enemies skyward, and the Dankukyaku, a spinning multi-kick that carries Dan forwards horizontally. He is also capable of projecting his Ki in a short-ranged projectile called the Gadouken.

Pixie: Which is a knock-off of the Hadouken, and hits about as hard as a light slap, but still! Better than nothing! Dan loves taunting people he fights, which is normally a pretty stupid thing to do, but it actually aids Dan by helping to fill the energy in Super Meter. Once has gathered enough energy, Dan -can unleash his super-combos! With the Shisso Buraiken, or Sprinting Ruffian Fist technique, Dan dashes towards his opponent, beats the ever-loving crap out of them with a rapid combo of punches and kick, and finishes with a Koryuken. The Shinku Gadouken is a powered-up version of the Gadouken. Which is nice, because the regular Gadouken was goddamned pathetic.

Spider: Dan is also incredibly resilient. During his match with Makoto, Dan survived being punched through the roof of the dojo, apparently without so much as a broken bone.

Pixie: Again, don’t try that at home, folks.

Spider: He’s incredibly narcissistic and ego-driven, however, and not particularly smart, since he often picks fights with foes who are completely out of his league, and his arrogance tends to give him an exaggerated idea of his own abilities.

Pixie: I gotta say this for Dan, though: no matter how many times he gets his pink-clad ass handed to him, he never, ever gives up.

[Clip of Dan from Street Fighter IV]

Dan: I hope you’re ready for a beating!

DEATH BATTLE!
Spider: Alright, our combatants are ready. Let’s put an end to this debate once and for all.

Pixie: It’s time for a Death Battle!

*    *   *

Dan Hibiki stood in his rental dojo in Toronto, Canada, beaming and watching the clock. He had spread posters advertising a once-in-a-liftime, special, public demonstration of the Saikyo style. The demonstration was set to begin in exactly twenty seconds, and he couldn’t wait to see the crowd that had arrived to watch him, a master martial artist, demonstrate his craft!

…That was ten minutes ago. Dan is now feeling less enthused. Scowling, he steps out the dojo’s front door.

“Where is everyone!?” he shouts.

A loose poster in the wind blows up and sticks to his face, and he pulls it down and begins to read. “Live Indie Music Fest… featuring… Sex Bob-omb?”

Dan crumples the poster, tosses it aside and walks off to find the people who have stolen his night of glory…

It’s a wonderful night for Scott Pilgrim. Sex Bob-omb is performing live before an audience of dozens, and Scott has already gotten through almost two and a half songs without fucking up. Suddenly, a pony-tailed man in a pink gi leaps from the crowd onto the stage, then promptly trips over a stage-light, face-planting in the center of the stage.

The band’s music screeches to a halt, and Scott looks down at the man in pink. “Are you okay?”

Dan scrambles to his feet and tears the microphone out of Stephen Stills’ hands. “Ladies and gentleman of Toronto, Canada! …Uh, is this thing on?”

Stephen scowls. “Dude, you’re fucking up our gig. Get off the stage.”

“Your gig? Oh, don’t play dumb. You only put this gig together to steal the spotlight from the real talent here.” Dan jabbed a thumb at his own chest. “Me, Dan Hibiki, master of Saikyo!”

Scott slipps off his bass, sets it down and walks up to Dan. “Uh, sorry about you Sah-ik-ee-yo thing, or whatever, but could you please leave?”

Dan jabbed a finger at Scott. “Don’t mess with me! I defeated the mighty Sagat, and I’ll crush you too.”

Scott’s face becomes determined. “Leave this to me, guys.”

Sex Bob-omb clears the stage to give Scott and Dan room, and the two fighters take their stances.

FIGHT!

                Dan opens with his Dankukyaku, but Scott blocks the kick with his arm and punches Dan in the gut, knocking him across the stage. Scott rushes in to throw another punch, but Dan fires a Gadouken straight into his face.

“Ow!” Scott stumbles back and rubs his cheek. “That kinda hurt, slightly.”

Dan grins. “Now’s my chance to show the world what Saikyou can really do!”

Dan advances and hits Scott with a punch-kick combo and launches a Koryuken, but Scott leans back, and Dan whiffs. Before Dan can reach the ground, Scott leaps up after him and lands a punch to the jaw. Scott throws punch after punch, driving Dan higher and higher into the air, achieves a combo of 64-hits, then slams him back towards the stage.

Dan sprawls across the stage, his face bruised and battered. “Ugh… can’t let this jerk think he’s better than me.”

As Scott touches back to earth, Dan flexes his bicep at him and shouts, taunting him. Dan then leaps back and forth through the air, shouting, “Yahoo! Yahoo!”, crouches and performs the bicep taunt again.

His spirits high, Dan flashes a cheeky grin. “What do you have to say to that?”

Scott stares blankly. “Uh… yeah? Well, uh, your hair-cut looks makes you look like Steven Segal! I mean—wait, crap, that makes him sound kinda badass. What I meant to say was, you don’t—”

While Scott fumbles for a comeback, Dan dashes forward and punches him in the face, beginning the Shisso Buraiken. After a brutal combination of punches and kicks, Dan lands a Koryuken to Scott’s face, launching him into the air. Dan takes a moment to pose, flashing a thumbs-ups and a smile to the audience. The crowd cheers. Encouraged, Dan continues to pose and flex, savoring his moment of glory.

Scott slams into the stage with a thud and groans. “Okay,” he growls, picking himself up, “I’m done playing with this guy.”

Scott draws his katana, the Power of Self-respect, and rushes towards Dan, who is still busily milking the crowd, not paying much attention

“Yes, yes all in a day’s work for Dan Hibiki, the Master of Saiky-OH GOD!”

Dan evades a sword-swing by rolling away at the last second. As Scott raises his sword for a second attack, Dan concentrates on focusing his Ki.

“Alright, Dan, just like Master Gouken taught you… Shinkuu… Gadouken!”

A shining blast of Ki shoots out of Dan’s hand… and misses Scott completely, who side-steps it, dashes forwards and cuts straight through Dan with a single, diagonal slash. Dan grimaces for a moment, then poofs out of existence, and a handful of coins fall to the floor.

K.O!

                Scott happily gathers the coins, then realizes there isn’t enough there to pay for bus fare. Sex Bob-omb returns to the stage to continue playing.

Post-Battle Analysis
Pixie: Poor Dan… oh well, better luck next time.

Spider: Scott and Dan are actually a lot more evenly matched than you might think. Their strength, intelligence and durability is almost dead even. However, Scott is clearly faster than Dan, and based on his air-juggling and counter skills, is also a more skilled fighter. Dan has a ranged attack, which Scott lacks, but Scott has overcome this disadvantage before, such as when he fought and absolutely destroyed Matthew Patel, a mystic fighter capable of hurling fire-balls that are far more powerful than the Gadouken.

Pixie: Dan’s taunts got Scott flustered enough to provide an opening, but Scott was more than tough enough to tank everything Dan hit him with, and Scott’s Power of Self-Respect gave him a far deadlier melee attack than anything in Dan’s arsenal. Now, the die-hard Street Fighter fans among you are probably about to bring up the Shun Goku Satsu, the soul-destroying one-hit kill technique Dan almost pulled on Sakura in the comics. Thing is, Dan has never successfully used that attack, and even if he did attempt it, Scott would most likely evade it with his superior speed. Well Dan, at least you can rest knowing you didn’t get short-changed.

Spider: The winner is Scott Pilgrim.

NEXT TIME ON DEATH BATTLE

A strange, pale head with glowing eyes and short, bony horns appears from the gloom. The creature raises it’s three-fingered hand, and it begins to smolder with shadowy energy. Something grabs the creature’s attention, and a young woman is heard singing the slow, melancholy tune of “Ilium”.

Woman: La la la…

Pixie: …You know, I was just getting over the Agent Smith and Lain nightmares.

Spider: Er, do you need a hug?

Pixie (sniffs): …Yes.