Bubsy the Bocat vs. The Kid (IWBTG)

Description
“Accolade versus I Wanna Be The Guy: The Movie: The Game. Two absurdly fragile and loud-mouthed heroes from horrifically frustrating video-games are thrown into the arena! Can one of them actually make it out of this alive!?”

Opening
Pixie: Ah, video-games. A digital play-ground where escapist characters with incredible powers can ease the stress of our daily—OH GODAMNIT WHO THE FUCK PUTS A FUCKING HIDDEN SPIKE-PIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR OWN FUCKING CASTLE!?

[Pixie hurls a handheld video-game system out the window.]

Spider: Video-games can be frustrating. Very frustrating.

Pixie: Especially when you’re stuck playing as an asshole with an annoying voice who can’t survive taking a single hit. Like Bubsby the Bobcat, Accolade’s failed mascot.

Spider: Or the Kid, the young hero on a quest to be the Guy. I’m Spider.

Pixie (sighs): And I’m… Pixie.

Spider: And it’s our job to analyze their power, abilities and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Bubsy the Bobcat
BUBSY THE BOBCAT

Pixie: Does this jackass even have a backstory?

Spider: Barely. Bubsy the Bobcat was first called to action when a race of aliens called Woolies stole the Earth’s supply of yarn balls.

Pixie: …Because?

Spider: Because it gave Bubsy an excuse to do something.

Pixie: Wow, Accolade really worked hard on this one, didn’t they? Can we please move onto this guy’s pathetic excuse for abilities?

Spider: Being a platforming character, Bubsy’s abilities are centered on running and jumping. He can also glide while in the air, which is handy for slowing his descent from high places.

Pixie: Bubsy’s primary method of dealing with enemies is jumping through the air and stomping on them. Because it wasn’t enough to rip-off Sonic the Hedgehog by making a smug, talking animal that runs fast. They had to rip off Mario too. No wonder his games failed so horribly.

Spider: Bubsy also has a couple of power-ups he can use. There’s the Invincibility T-Shirt, which makes Bubsy invincible for a short period of time, though he can still be killed by spikes or water. The Shadow T-Shirt makes Bubsy temporarily invisible.

Pixie: Too bad it doesn’t make him unhearable.

[Clip From Bubsy 3D plays]

Bubsy (in an ear-splittingly high and squeaky voice): Hey, watch it! You did read the instructions, didn’t you? Hey, what buttons did you press? PAY ATTENTION! Oww, what a head-ache! Me-OW! I hate it when that happens!

Pixie: Sweet Hippie-Slapping Jesus, SHUT THE HELL UP! It’s like someone jammed a dentist-drill through my ear-drum.

Spider: While Bubsy doesn’t have much in the way of offense, he does have the Nerf Ballzooka, which… fires Nerf Balls. That can kill you, for some reason.

Pixie: Accolade themselves must have realized how god-damned pathetic this guy is, because they handed them one last power-up that’s actually pretty powerful: the Smart Bomb, an explosive that destroys everything within range… except, sadly, for Bubsy. Bubsy’s abilities and power-ups are pretty underwhelming, but that’s not the only problem he has.

Spider: Bubsy is incredibly over-confident and cocky, and has a compulsion to crack a seemingly endless supply of cat-related puns.

Pixie: Which most players find completely insufferable. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant insuffurable. Now, I enjoy a pun as much as the next gal, but Bubsy’s are so bad they’ll leave you cat-atonic. Or maybe make you fur-ious. What I’m trying to get at is, they’re just plain pawful.

Spider: You’re almost as bad as he is…

Pixie: Also, while he may be fast, his traction is shit, and he couldn’t walk up a slope if his nine lives depended on it. He constantly slips and slides around like he stepped in a puddle of ass-lube, which often leads to him running face-first into a wall. This stuns him for a full three seconds, even if he wasn’t going particularly fast. Gee, too bad bobcats don’t have, say, pads on their feet, or claws, or something else that would give them good traction.

Spider: He’s also extremely fragile, and a single hit from almost any enemy is enough to kill him.

Pixie: In most of his games he has nine lives, because ''he’s a cat. Get it? GET IT!? ''He’s limited to one life in this Death Battle thought, because fuck this cat and fuck Accolade for making him. Bubsy’s video-game career may have been short-lived, but the hatred he has garnered from gamers will live on in the heart of the internet, forever.

[Clip from Bubsy 3D.]

Bubsy: What could possibly go wrong?

The Kid
Spider: In the year 200X, on his 15th birthday, a child left home on his dangerous and epic quest to become the Guy.

Pixie: …Which guy?

Spider: Uh, he’s just called the Guy. I guess it’s some kind of a position you can only gain by killing the previous Guy? That would seem to be the case, since the Guy became the Guy by killing the Kid’s Grandfather, the previous Guy.

Pixie: …I have a headache now.

Spider: In order to avenge his grandfather and become the Guy, the Kid took up his grandfather’s Very Small Gun and the Cape of Hero and sought out the Guy’s minions, who were guarding the stones of power needed to teleport to the Guy’s castle.

Pixie: These minions included Bowser, Mike Tyson, Dracula, Mother Brain and Mecha-Birdo. I am not making this up.

Spider: The Kid’s gun is capable of rapidly firing small energy pellets. While it usually takes many, many of these shots to kill bosses, the Kid’s shots can instantly vaporize minor enemies such as Dumb Bugz and Waddle Doos. The Kid can also leap very high, and can use his cape to double-jump. This makes the Kid extraordinarily swift and agile, and he is capable of dodging mechanized spikes, giant bowling balls and blasts of fire.

Pixie: In I Wanna Be The Guy Gaiden, the Kid gained two new powers, the Charge Shot and the Bionic Arm. The Charge Shot lets the Kid… charge his shots, making them far more powerful. The Bionic Arm lets him grab and swing from stuff like an 8-bit Tarzan. It’s also great for pulling explosives straight into his stupid little face.

Spider: And this is where we uncover the Kid’s greatest weakness: his fragility.

Pixie: If the Kid is struck by anything—I mean anything—he will die, explosively and hilariously. Sure, you’d expect him to die to bombs, spikes, lightning bolts and having the moon fall on him, but he can be knocked into chunky salsa by having a piece of fruit fall on his head. Hell, he even explodes if he gets a wine-glass thrown at him.

Spider: Despite his weakness, the Kid is extraordinarily brave, and unflinchingly optimistic.

Pixie: You’d kinda have to be to survive in his world.

[Clip from IWBTG:TM:TG plays.]

The Kid (screaming at the top of his fucking lungs): I HAVE BESTED FRUIT, SPIKE AND MOON! AND NOW I WILL DEFEAT YOU, THE GUY!

DEATH BATTLE!
Spider: Alright, our combatants are set.

Pixie: Well, as set as they’ll ever be.

Spider: Let’s end this debate once and for all.

Pixie: It’s time for a DEATH BATTLE!

*    *   *

The Kid is running through an area filled with spikes, ledges and poorly-rendered 3D slopes, but stops when he sees Bubsy up ahead.

“WHO ARE YOU!?” The Kid screams.

Bubsy jumps. “ME-YEOW! Don’t scare me like that kid! Wait… is that a gun!?”

“YES.”

“Hey! Didn’t anybody tell you that kids aren’t supposed to play with guns? You could really hurt somebody.”

“I NEED THIS GUN TO DEFEAT THE GUY.”

Bubsy’s expression becomes stern. “Put that thing down before I make you!”

“NO!” the Kid screams, louder than ever. “I WANNA BE THE GUY!!!”

FIGHT!

                The Kid fires three shots at Bubsy, but the bob-cat dashes out of the way and charges. Bubsy leaps into the air to stomp the Kid flat, but the Kid runs out of the way, and Bubsy misses and skids across the ground. As the bob-cat strives to overcome his own momentum and reverse direction, the Kid turns around and fires another volley. Bubsy leaps over the Kid’s shots and glides towards him for another jumping attack, but the Kid uses his double-jump to leap over Bubsy, and lands safely behind him.

Just as the Kid turns to shoot Bubsy, Bubsy spots an Invincibility T-shirt and grabs it. The bob-cat smirks and does an imitation of the Super-man Pose as the Kid’s shots bounce harmlessly off his chest.

“Time to get up close and purrsonal!” he declares, as he dashes towards the Kid.

The Kid realizes that his bullets aren’t working, runs away, turns a corner and starts running up a slope. Bubsy stives to catch up, but loses his momentum on the turn, and can’t make it up the slope. He jumps towards the slope and tries to glide after the Kid, but then slides back down to the bottom.

“Get back here!” he shouts, as his invincibility wears off. “Don’t be a scaredy cat!”

Bubsy looks up to see the Kid running towards him. Bubsy tries to jump up and grab the Kid, but the Kid once again evades him with a double-jump. At this point Bubsy realizes why the Kid was running: the Moon has fallen out of the sky, and is rolling down the slope towards them.

With a yelp of terror, Bubsy turns around and runs after the Kid, the Moon still barreling after them. As the Moon closes in, the Kid and Bubsy are forced towards a gaping tunnel filled with spikes on the ceiling and floor. The Kid uses his Bionic Arm to swing from the ceiling while Bubsy attempts to keep up by leaping and gliding across a series of floating platforms. Both combatants reach the other end of the tunnel and burst out into fresh air once against as the moon slams into the tunnel’s exit behind them and gets stuck.

Panting, Bubsy draws his Nerf Ballzooka. “This has gone fur enough!”

The bob-cat opens fire. The Kid ducks as the first Nerf Ball sails over his head, jumps over the second shot, and double-jumps over the third. Bubsy keeps firing, but the Kid fires back, shooting the Nerf Balls out of the air. The Kid increases his rate of fire, and begins to drive back Bubsy’s barrage, so Bubsy grabs a Shadow T-Shirt and disappears. The Kid looks back and forth, momentarily surprised, until he sees a Nerf Ball come flying out of thin air. The Kid runs away from the source of the Nerf Balls and continues to dodge Bubsy’s shots.

Just as Bubsy’s invisibility wears off, he spots a smart-bomb in the corner of the room, and charges towards it. “Purrfect timing!” the cat exclaims, smirking.

Just as Bubsy is about reach the smart-bomb, the Kid fires a shot at him, forcing him to veer out of the way, and the bob-cat slams into a wall and stuns himself. While Bubsy is stunned, the Kid charges his gun and fires a gleaming ball of yellow energy. Just as Bubsy shakes off his stun, the Charge Shot hits him straight in the chest, disintegrating the upper half of his body.

K.O!

                The Kid leaps up in down in celebration as a Delicious Fruit slowly falls towards his head. At the last moment, he steps to the side, safely avoiding the fruit.

Post-Battle Analysis
Pixie: That was actually a lot cooler than I expected.

Spider: While Bubsy had an advantage in speed, his lack of control made it easy for the Kid to evade him, and between the Kid’s double-jump and his Bionic Arm, he was able to easily maneuver around an environment that Bubsy had more trouble traversing. This kept the Kid out of Bubsy’s reach, making Buby’s jumping-attacks virtually useless.

Pixie: Bubsy might have had power-ups that the Kid lacked, but this didn’t really help him that much. The Kid had the initial advantage in long-ranged weaponry and destructive power, and not even grabbing the Ballzooka was enough to even the playing field, since the Kid could still shoot faster. The Invincibility T-Shirt and Shadow T-Shirt each bought Bubsy a few seconds of partial safety, but that was about it. Plus, since the Kid isn’t exactly an intimidating opponent, Bubsy’s cockiness was out in full form, and this led to him doing stupid stuff like wasting time gloating while the Invincibility T-Shirt was active.

Spider: Bubsy’s only hope for victory was the Smart Bomb. Had Bubsy evaded the Kid’s shots long enough to find this last, life-saving power-up, he might have claimed victory, but Bubsy had little chance of lasting that long. His clumsiness and tendency towards being stunned by slamming into walls, combined with the Kid’s rapid-fire meant that a single slip-up was fatal. While bosses like Bowser and Dracula are able to survive multiple shots from the Kid, Bubsy’s durability was nowhere near that level, and a single well-aimed shot was enough to put the bob-cat down once and for all.

Pixie: For Bubsy, meeting the Kid was a cat-astrophe!

Spider: The winner is the Kid.