Saber vs Jack Horner

Saber vs Jack Horner is a What If? episode of Death Battle featuring Saber from Fate/stay Night and Jack Horner from Fables.

Description
Wiz: For thousands of years, tales of great and legendary heroes sprang up from different cultures around the world to inspire people in the most badass way possible.

Boomstick: Like Saber: The legendary King Arthur of Fate/stay Night 

Wiz: And Jack Horner: the most cunning of all fairy tale characters in Fable

Boomstick: He’s Wiz and I’m Boomstick

Wiz: And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a death battle!!!

Saber
Wiz: A long time ago, in a land far far away, lived a mighty king… eh… queen? Who ruled the land with strength, grace and wisdom. Earning the throne by pulling the legendary sword from the stone, he… eh… she led her nation into a golden age of prosperity. Until the day when she was heartbroken by the affair of her trusty knight and her beloved king… eh queen? And betrayed by her own son? FUCK IT! This is the story of Arturia Pendragon everybody.

'''Boomstick: Though we all know her as the legendary King Arthur, she’s known by another name… Saber. (Hehe we all love how cute Wiz is everytime he gets pissed). '''

Wiz: Ehem… Anyway, besides being a woman, Saber has the same story as the King Arthur we know today. Daughter of King Uther Pendragon, her gender was kept secret since birth, fearing that people may not accept a female heir to rule them in the future. Talk about some historical inaccuracy right there Boomstick. Medieval people aren’t as dumb or misogynist as we think of them. They’re actually as practical and equal as us. Hell they even had female rulers too such as Catherine of Aragorn, Queen Elizabeth and others…

'''Boomstick: Historical bullshit talk aside, I do think her skirt is too long for your average anime girl. Then again, Saber’s anything but average. After having to grow up in secret, her father stashed her away to a place where she trained and hone her body into the way of the knights. Morphing herself into a badass armored warrior and leader… in a time where woman are supposed to be cooking their husband’s food and raising chickens, cows and children. '''

Wiz: Well she did get her chance. After pulling out the sword Caliburn from the stone, she proved to everyone that she was indeed the rightful heir to Uther’s throne. Now a leader of a nation, Saber united her people, formed the Knights of the Round Table to protect her kingdom and led armies into countless successful battles. However, her subordinates still feared that the people would still not accept a woman as their ruler. To solve this problem, Merlyn turned Saber into a guy and had her marry a crazy girl named Morgan le Fay. They even had an offspring named Mordred, who would one day destroy what Saber has been trying to protect. Her beloved kingdom.

'''Boomstick: Guess Saber’s been doing same sex marriage before America made it popular. Like what Wiz said, Mordred led a civil war that tore apart Saber’s country. In one final battle to determine their fates, Modred was killed, and Saber was mortally wounded. But before dying, she offered herself to Alaya, the collected unconscious will of mankind, to continue her life as a badass hero which eventually lead to her being drafted into the Holy Grail War centuries later.'''

Wiz: Years later, Saber became the servant of the mage named Kiritsugu Emiya, battling other servants before her master… kinda betrayed her by doing a suicide attack to destroy the grail that they were fighting for in the first place. She then became the heroic servant of Emiya’s successor and adopted son Shirou, fighting again in the war against other powerful mages and servants. You might be asking what a Holy Grail War is. Well, a Holy Grail War is a mix between a Pokemon tournament and the Hunger Games, in which a mage summon legendary warrior called servants to fight with them against other mages with equally powerful servants. Their prize? The Holy Grail, an omnipotent object/parasite that can grant anyone their wishes.

'''Boomstick: And to fight in the Grail War, Saber had to utilize what he learned fighting in the Middle Ages combined with her new magical powers. As a servant, Saber’s invulnerable to ordinary weapons such as swords and guns. She’s pretty strong too, able to flip over a huge ass truck like a coffee table. Her speed is almost godlike, able to move quickly at the speed of thought. Not even magically possessed machine guns and jet with Vulcan guns can catch her. So before you can think of the word ice cream, she’s already in front of you ready to emasculate the manhood you have left. '''

Wiz: Speaking of her weapons, she carries the legendary Excalibur, though how she uses it is quite complicated. She hides her sword inside a sheath of wind called Invisible Air which hides her weapon’s true form. Invisible Air also boosts her speed and power, and also allows her to release a powerful gust of air to knock her opponents on their asses. However, the Invisible Air acts more than just a separate skin. Once she removes that sheath and unleashes Excalibur’s true form, her powers increases a thousandfold, imbuding her in blinding aura of gold. Her now more powerful Excalibur can cut through virtually anything. But its real power comes from the moment she blasts a powerful beam of energy that can instantly kill anyone it hits. It can one-shot powerful servants and not even the nigh omnipotent holy grail can survive it. Oh I almost forgot, it can also turn into a Yamaha V- Bike. Though I’m not sure how this will be helpful it’s… it’s still an awesome bike so don’t judge me.

'''Boomstick: Her god-killing sword isn’t the end to Saber’s powers. She also houses a variety of powerful magical properties instilled in her. Using Instinct A allows her to predict her opponents next move and ways to counter it in mere seconds. Her self-regenerating armor uses her manna to protect her from powerful attacks. And in the Fate route, she also reacquires her powerful sheath Avalon. An indestructible shield that sends Saber to the world of fairies and protects her from attacks. Not even the all-powerful Gilgamesh, whose powerful Ea meant to EXTINGUISH gods, couldn't get through it. '''

Wiz: Overall, Sabers uses these weapons and powers to achieve great feats in the War. Her greatest asset seem to be not her weapons, but her uncanny talent in tactics and her unbreakable will. Not even torture, BDSM and rape can put her down. She’s also strong enough to battle Gilgamesh twice, destroyed the Holy Grail twice, and defeated a great number of servants from Casters to Berserkers. As Saber Alter she was strong enough to even one-shot the mighty Hercules. You know? The guy who held the whole world in his hands and has 12 indestructible lives and stuff? If that’s not enough, she also survived a fucked up version of the Holy Grail War called Carnival Phantasm; a strange destructive and apocalyptic festival of fun, suffering and death.

'''Boomstick: However, even with her grail-slaying powers, she’s far from perfect. Almost all of her powers, from the excaliblast to the Avalon, are one hit wonders. She can only uses it once or twice, depending on the amount of her manna. And speaking of her manna, everytime she fights decreases her manna reserves, and when it reaches zero well… lights out to the Queen of Knights. Her powers are also very dependent to her Master. Her high dependence on manna will kill her once those are used up, and the longer the battle, the more her manna runs out and weakens her. But don’t worry, having tons of sex mini games will replenishes her. God you just gotta love Japanese games man…'''

Wiz: And even though she’s a great tactician in battle, she’s also quite clumsy and naive. Falling easily into traps and misjudgements, she’s a bit of a nut in making sure that her battles are fought fair and square. Worse, she also got captured twice and turned against her former allies.

Boomstick: But even so this King of All Knights, the Mighty Lion, the Greatest Servant of all time and whatever monikers and titles you can think off, can push through any battle and win.

''It is the sacred duty of a knight to act in accordance with the virtues of chivalry, and the sacred duty of a king to serve the people with just laws and actions, in humility and mercy. - Saber''

Jack Horner
'''Boomstick: Once upon a time there was a magical world called the Homelands. A place of magic and fantasy, where all the characters you’ve known in legends and fairy tales lived a happily-ever-after kind of life. Until a powerful and bloodthirsty conqueror known as the Adversary led a huge and indestructible army of monsters to enslave the people and made their once happy life… a living hell. '''

Wiz: And you think that fairy tales are for kids? Well, the adversary didn’t just conquer the lands, he also killed anyone that might pose a threat to his power. Every man whose old enough to use a sword were killed, and every women were raped by all sorts of ugly monsters this side of the storybooks.

'''Boomstick: Now that life sucks for these people, they decided to just fuck it and migrate to a place where the Adversary couldn’t reach them. And where do you think this place is? Why our own world off course (where else?). They arrived in an equally strange yet beautiful magical place called New York and built their own community which they named Fabletown. These fairy tale characters we’ve known and loved are currently living among us, hiding in plain sight, refugees from a far away world they’ve lost. '''

Wiz: You got that one right Boomstick. And one of these characters who escaped their world was Jack Horner: The Legendary Jack of the Tales. We know him from stories such as Jack and the Beanstalk, Jack and Jill, Jack the Giant Slayer, Little Jack Horner, Jack Be Nimble, and off course Jack O’ Lantern and Jack Forst. As a trickster Jack is always trying to make a quick buck, scamming people along the way in his adventures. But be warned, he’s a hardcore sociopath. He doesn’t feel any empathy or remorse from his fellow men.

'''Boomstick: Even if his own mom gets hit by a car he won’t give a damn shit. Though he does care for the people he like… or plans to swindle from. And Jack didn’t just came into this world just to escape the Adversary. He also came here to achieve the greatest dream ever known to mankind: getting filthy rich. He did this by fighting during the American Civil War as a lieutenant of the Louisiana Volunteer Regiment, even winning a medal from Robert E. Lee himself. After the war, the lesson he learned from the conflict taught Jack to try and achieve his American Dream in a more honest and honorable way... Just kidding! Haha! Fuck that! Jack made a living the best way by robbing and killing people as an outlaw in the Old West. Not the most heroic acts of a hero but still. It all ended when another Fable called Bigby Wolf came into the Old West and beat and dragged Jack’s ass to Fabletown. '''

Wiz: Now a citizen of Fabletown, Jack himself became a devoted foe of the adversary and fought in battles with his fellow fables. Though in time, he will be kicked out of Fabletown to start of his own adventures again. Finding more and more shit to be entangled with.

'''Boomstick: But don’t worry, Jack’s no pushover. In the world of Fables, a Fable’s power is measured by how popular he is in this world. So if a Fable has an animated film in Disney or Dreamworks, you bet they’ll be powerful as Hell. And Jack, who’s one of the most popular Fable around, is way more durable, stronger and faster than a normal human being. '''

Wiz: But his greatest power is his “nigh-invincibility”. After making a blockbuster film-trilogy of himself, vastly increasing his popularity to the Mundies, this made him virtually indestructible and unkillable. This power is also augmented upon by his half-literal nature (which is a mix between a Fable and a godlike Literary character, basically making him a demigod of some sort), and his adventures as Jack O’ Lantern, in which after being tricked by one version of the Devil, he then tricked other versions of Satan, such as Lucifer, Chernabog, Nick Slick and Pan into increasing his life. With this immortality he can survive anything that is thrown against him, such as being impaled, exploded upon, ran over by traffic and even magical attacks such as being frozen by his own son, and getting stabbed by Excalibur itself. He even got eaten by Godzilla himself and survived. Hell, not even the Universe can kill him. His writers tried and failed to kill him too. That’s how “unkillable” he is.

'''Boomstick: Damn. Well as a self-proclaimed “Giant Slayer”, Jack’s also beaten up and killed giants. He’s a capable swordsman of his own, as well as an expert on improvised weaponry. And after arriving in our world, he also gained proficiency in firearms; able to gun down people in one quick draw. In many of his battles, Jack carried his trusty twin nickel plated colt peacemakers from his time in the West, as well as a cavalry saber he had during his service in the American Civil War. Besides this, Jack’s also a walking magical tumor. Everywhere he goes, something magical happens. So watch out… '''

Wizard: Indeed Boomstick. Jack’s not just a combatant, he’s also well experienced in magic. Back in the Homelands, Jack once had the powers of Winter which he stole from that white-haired princess from Frozen, magical beans to grow gigantic beanstalks, and even knocking out the headless horseman with a small brimstone from Hell (take that Christopher Walken). Though these magical feats where way back then, as a part-literal he has a small amount of reality bending powers that allows him to will anything he thinks hard about. This theoretically gives him the ability to summon anything, anyone and any previous pwoers he can think off. While it's only been seen once in the final story, he did use it to resurrect his dead friend Gary and even restore his friend’s godlike powers. Not an easy feat mind you. Also, Jack can break the fourth wall.

'''Boomstick: NO! Nononono. There’s no way we’re inviting another half-assed fourth wall breaker again, not after my wife fell in love with one of these freaks (You’ll pay for this someday Deadpool). Anyway didn’t we mention Jack’s greed? Well turns out, Jack’s also an incarnation of the legendary German dragon Fafnir. By being in the presence of gold and treasures, Jack’s greed can turn him into this fire breathing winged dragon, that can… well breath fire, fly and is bulletproof, at the cost of his immortality. His dragon form also has limited precognition, allowing Jack to see the events of the battle unfold so that he can find a way to win it. '''

Wizard: But as it turned out, Jack’s greatest weapon is not his fighting skills but his wit. While his petty schemes tend to fail miserably, his unpredictable nature and sly cunning allowed him to beat godlike forces whose powers are beyond his. Not only did he tricked giants and Devils, he also outwitted the Literal gods of Fables such as Mr. Revise and the Bookburner, who are anthropomorphic personifications of media censorship. (Okay?...) He also tricked that godlike girl from Frozen into giving up her powers to him and bringing an apocalyptic winter into the lands as Jack Frost.

'''Boomstick: You think that’s weird? Well let me tell you this crazy fucked up tale. After escaping the Civil War, Jack came across a Southern Belle who was dying of sickness. Wanting to fuck that girl before she dies, Jack then waited for the Grim Reaper to come after her one day, and traps Death inside a magical inescapable burlap sack (which by the way he won from a poker game with the Devil). And in the end he did fuck that girl (although she then leaves her for a preacher and that’s that). This magical burlap sack is nigh unescapable, that not even omnipresent and omnipotent beings like Death can get away from it. Though Jack kinda lost the sack a week later.'''

Wizard: Although he has these feats and accomplishments Jack’s not unbeatable. Most of the time, he’ll try to outwit his opponents rather than risk fighting them. And while he has no worries using his strength against anyone, he will get his ass kicked in times when he’s outnumbered or if up against a more physically dominating foe. In most cases, he’ll rather run away from a battle like a wuss than fight it out.

'''Boomstick: And if you think he’s nigh immortality is something. Well remember, even though he’s indestructible, he can still shed blood, feel pain or get knocked unconscious. And his invincibility has sometimes became a weakness. Since he’s invincible, the whole frigging universe is trying desperately to kill him almost everyday, just to prove that he’s invincible. This guy is literally a walking magnet of bad luck. Hell, even his own writers and artist got fed up with him one final arc, that they just ripped his immortality off of him, turned him into a dragon, and killed him off by sending his own son to do him. Yes… the writers and artist actually included themselves into the comic… just to finish him off. And they failed. Talk about a big “FUCK YOU CREATORS! YOU CAN’T KILL ME UNLESS I WANT YOU TO KILL ME!” '''

Wiz: But against all odds, Jack still manages to get back up… just to get beaten again until he succeeds. In the final story, Jack finally got the life he dreamed off. After getting killed by his own writers, Jack finds a way by tricking the Devils into putting him inside a universe of nothing, resurrects his friend Gary, and use the latter’s powers to create his own universe where… as I quote… “A world where he is king, everyone has a pet dinosaur, tacos grown in trees, and every girl is buxom and in heat all the time.”

Boomstick: Mother of God… 

Wiz: You got that right. All this just to prove, that whatever hurdles Jack comes across with, he’ll give a smirk, think of a plan, and con that hurdle of his money and dignity. (Whatever that phrase even means.)

''"You make these things happen to you, you see. You're a walking bastion of strength and invulnerability. It creates a need in the universe. A need to give that strength a reason for existing." - Gary the Pathetic Fallacy.”'' '' "Well have at it universe. I'm Jack Horner! King of all Fables! I can take anything you care to dump on me and return it with compound interest!" - Jack Horner.''

Wiz: All right the combatants are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all.  Boomstick: It’s time for a DEATH BATTLE!

Battle
Later