User blog:Fedora Lord Para 348/APRIL FOOL'S FIGHT: The Wall Battle Royale



Wiz: Some of the most powerful weapons aren't always used to kill, or to hurt, or to destroy. Some of them are just meant to divide, or to protect.

'''Boomstick: That weapon... is the wall. Whether you're hiding inside it, destroying it, or building it, walls are powerful things.'''

Wiz: Sure, it's not a powerful level to be at, but walls are everywhere. They are tall, they are strong, and they keep anything that's not supposed to be in, out.

'''Boomstick: And man, do we have the matchup of the century here! Let's meet our combatants! Bob Belcher, the family man with a restaurant, and the hider inside walls!'''

Wiz: The Colossal Titan, menace to society and destroyer of walls.

Boomstick: And Donald J. Trump, businessman, celebrity, reality TV host, current US President, and builder of walls!

Wiz: He's Boomstick, and I'm Wiz. And it's our job to figure out who would win... a Death Battle.

DEATH BATTLE!
In a dry, deserted - well, desert stood an absolutely massive wall. This wall was the best wall, believe me. No one built walls like this wall. It was better than every other kind of wall. It was absolutely yuuuuge! The giant wall stood at a gargantuan one-hundred and seventy feet high, and two feet wide. It's length? It spanned the entire United States-Mexico border. It was plated with a solid gold, and was at least six feet underground to prevent tunneling. The exterior was smooth and flat, lest anyone try to scale the giant wall.

Atop the wall stood two human figures. One was a tall man dressed in a shiny black suit with a red tie, and a white button-up shirt underneath. His face was beginning to show its age, laden with wrinkles and preserved with an artificial orange color. His golden hair as beginning to show its age as well, being bald in a few spots and combed-over to give off the illusion of length. Beside him stood a shorter figure, dressed in the same outfit except with white hair and pale skin which was even more wrinkly. These two men were Donald Trump, President of the United States, and his Vice President, Mike Pence.

"Well," began Trump, grinning as he gazed upon the horizon. The sun was beginning to set in the west, and an orange-red ambiance lit up their view of Mexico. "We finally did it. We built that wall, and it only cost us about two-billion dollars." Trump bragged, beginning to smirk. "Now those criminals will never be able to get in."

Mike Pence chuckled as well. "You did good, President," Pence replied, taking a deep breath and admiring the sunset. "I think we did the right thing. If anyone thinks we're racist for this, we can just have some really expensive taco truck and people will know the truth."

Trump turned back to Pence and gave a smile. "Exactly. But really, anyone who calls us racist is just too politically correct.  They need to stop watching CNN, because that's all fake news."

Suddenly, a loud whirring echoed throughout as a black helicopter hovered above Trump and Pence. A man wearing sunglasses and all black was piloting the aircraft, as he called down below. "Mr. Pence, your ride back has arrived." the man called through the intercom. A rope ladder fell down from the helicopter, landing by Pence's position. Pence then scaled up the ladder.

"You sure you're not coming?" Pence asked Trump.

The Donald simply gave a side-smile. "Of course not. I'm really rich, so I'm taking my private jet back."

Pence nodded as he climbed back into the helicopter. "Got it."

"Hey, Pence?" Trump shouted, his voice barely audible through the sound of the chopper. "We did good today."

Pence raised an eyebrow as he climbed into the helicopter. That wasn't gay, was it?! Pence thought to himself, before shaking his head. The helicopter then flew off back into the United States as the president waited for his jet to show up.

It seemed to be a relatively normal night for the Belcher family. The burger restaurant had closed for the night, and the family had returned to the house. Gene was in his room mashing on an electric keyboard, making loud and deafening music. Louise was in her room thinking of some new harebrained scheme, and Tina was relaxing in her room, staring at the ceiling as she fantasized about a boy she went to karate with.

In the living room sat the mother and father of the family: Linda and Bob Belcher. The two of them sat down on the old fabric couch, unwinding after a long day at work. It had been a busy night, as the restaurant was throwing a massive party.

Bob reclined back into the couch, giving an exhausted sigh as he stretched his legs. His muscles felt sore and weak from a long day of working. In his exhaustion, he had yet to remove his white apron, drenched in grease and sweat, and stained with mustard.

"Bob, sweetie, you worked hard tonight. Why don't you take off your apron and relax?" asked Linda, smiling at her husband. Bob smiled back at his wife, then stood back up.

"Yeah, probably a good idea. Gotta be rested up to serve some more burgers for tomorrow!" Bob replied, about to untie his apron. However, the grease an burger residue had stickied the knot. Bob would be able to untie it; it would just take a little bit more effort. "Do you remember what the burger of the day is tomorrow?" asked Bob.

Linda shrugged. "I don't recall. You're usually the one to think of them."

Bob clicked his tongue, and then scratched his head. "Hmm... jalapeno burger? No... how about one with ham, like a ham-burger?  No, that's a terrible idea."

"I have an idea!" Linda exclaimed, her eyes lighting up as a wide grin plastered across her face. "Since tomorrow's April Fool's Day, why don't we pretend to have a human flesh burger, and see how people react when they see it?"

Bob gave a hearty laugh as Linda proposed the human flesh idea. "That's a great idea! Let's just hope there's no health inspector tomorrow."

Linda laughed back, but then suddenly a generic ringtone echoed through the halls of the Belcher family house as her phone rang. She took the phone out of her pocket and answered. "Hello?" she answered. She nodded, giving the occasional "Uh-huh." Bob tilted his head, and raised an eyebrow.

"Linda, who is it?" Bob whispered. Linda held her finger up, not answering Bob's question.

"Uh-huh... yeah... okay! Yeah, that's fine!" She then pressed a button on her phone and put it in her pocket,and then glanced at Bob. She frowned, an took a deep breath. "Um... sweetie, you're not gonna like this."

Bob rolled his eyes and sighed. "Great, is it the Party Pals again? Because I specifically said-"

Before Bob could finish his rant, Linda cut him off. "My mother's house burned down and she needs a place to stay until it's done being repaired."

Bob's eyes widened, and he went dead silent for a few seconds.

"Bob?"

"Oh my god." Without a single word more, he dashed away from the living room, and then barged right into Louise's room.

"Dad, get out of here!" Louise yelled at him, glaring at his father.

"I'm sorry, Louise, but this is an emergency!" Bob panicked, his head beginning to sweat as his eyes darted around the corners of the room. Then, in the right corner upon a shelf, he saw what he was looking for. A lime-green, pear-shaped bear-cat-like nightlight, Kuchi Kopi. With quick haste, Bob grabbed Kuchi Kopi and dashed away before Louise could say anything else.

"Bob, where are you going?" Linda called out. Bob ignored her, diving head-first through the wall of his house and into the crawl space. With quick haste, he dashed through the narrow hallway of the crawl space, not once turning back.

A tall, slender young man walked through the empty desert, observing the area as he the hot air made him sweat all over. He wore the outfit of the Survey Corps - a short brown jacket with multiple pockets over his torso, above a plain gray shirt. A pair of suspenders held his plain white pants and long brown, leather boots together. He wore a determined thousand-yard stare on his face as he walked along.

This was a man known as Bertolt Hoover, and he was one of the greatest traitors known to mankind. He ha recently just barely escaped with a long and intense battle with the notorious Titan Shifter Eren Jaeger, and much to his dismay, he had lost and was forced to retreat. Fortunately for him, Eren was never the best with directions or strategy, and would likely never figure out where Bertolt was now.

That was just perfect.

Here in Mexico, the Titans were just beginning to take over after all this time. People on streets would flock to their houses for refuge, or outright flee the country to escape from the monstrous human-eaters.

Now, Bertolt wasn't here because he just felt like it - he simply packed more manpower than any of the other Titan Shifters. While he was not the one orchestrating this takeover, he was simply the best workhorse for the job. Unfortunately for him, there simply weren't any humans in the area.

"Why did Reiner send me in this direction?" Bertolt asked himself. After several long minutes of trudging through the sand, Bertolt gasped in awe as he stared directly at the absolute monster of a wall in front of him. It was plated with solid gold, and it was completely flat. It had to be standing at least one-hundred and eighty feet tall. It was truly a marvel. "So that's why."

Bertolt grinned as he bit down onto his thumb, splattering blood onto the ground as suddenly, he morphed into a gigantic, humanoid colossus with no skin whatsoever, leaving behind an exterior of red muscles.

This was his alter ego, the dreaded Colossal Titan.

And there was nothing the Colossal Titan did better than break down some walls.

"When is my jet getting here? I feel like it's really late." Donald Trump muttered to himself, looking down at his gold-plated ROLEX(tm) watch. Then his eyes widened as he noticed the massive figure of the Colossal Titan. In a panic, Trump pulled a pair of Fujinon(tm) binoculars from hammerspace, then watched the towering humanoid from the top of the wall. "That's it. You can't stump the Trump!" The Donald placed his binoculars into hammerspace, then pulled out a gigantic megaphone. "Hey!" shouted Trump, his voice echoing. The Colossal Titan did not stop in its path. "This is my wall! Get away from it or I will have no choice but to attack you!"

The Colossal Titan, of course, did not stop. Instead, it stared down Trump with a menacing glare as it marched toward the wall.

Bob trekked through the narrow crawl space, with only Kuchi Kopi's dim green light to light the way. "Man, it feels like we've been walking forever." Bob muttered.

We're not anywhere near your house anymore, Bob heard Kuchi Kopi inside his head.

"Wait, what?"

Trump continued spewing out nonsense at the Colossal Titan, but Bertolt seemed to be ignoring the Donald's every word. Then, the Colossal Titan pulled back its arm and delivered a heavy punch to the face of the wall.

Gold dust scattered as plates of the wall broke off, leaving a massive hole in the Mexico side of the wall.

"Hey!" Trump shouted, his face tensing up from anger. "Good taxpayer money went into that!"

The dust then scattered - and the hole revealed Bob, crouching down and gripping onto Kuchi Kopi. His eyes widened as he scanned the empty desert, and looked up at the massive figure of the Colossal Titan.

"...Oh my god."

"You!" Trump shouted, pointing at the Colossal Titan. "Stop attacking my wall. And you!" he shouted, pointing at Bob. "Get out of my wall!"

Bob scratched his head. "Wait, this is Trump's wall? I paid for this?!"

Climb the wall, Bob. Kuchi Kopi advised to Bob.

"Climb the wall? Kuchi Kopi, I can't-"

Before Bob could finish his sentence, the Colossal Titan knelt over, reaching his hand out toward Bob. Bob then nodded, and then jumped up - all one-hundred-and-eighty feet - on top of the wall.

"Alright, Trump, I've got a few words to say to you-"

Suddenly, Trump reached into his hammerspace pocket and equipped a gold-plated katana, then pointed it at Bob. "If you come near me, I won't hesitate to slice you in half. Believe me."

Bob gasped, and then reached into his pocket as he pulled out a hamburger. He devoured the burger, scattering bits of meat and bread all around as he felt his blood pumping. Trump and Bob glared at each other, taking battle positions. The Colossal Titan watched from above, clenching fists.

FIGHT!