Quick Draw McGraw vs. Yosemite Sam

Quick Draw McGraw vs. Yosemite Sam is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features Quick Draw McGraw from Hanna-Barbera, and Yosemite Sam from Warner Brothers.

Description
In the Old West, situations often came down to two men with their six-shooters, settling their differences in the middle of the street. This Death Battle brings together two of the West’s greatest gunmen...OK, one gunman and one gun-horse!

Interlude
'''Boomstick: Let me take you back to the days of yesteryear. You know, when men were men...and sometimes rabbits...and ducks...and...other...less definable creatures.'''

Wiz: That’s right, we’re going back to the Old West, as presented by such companies as The Warner Brothers, and Hanna-Barbera.

Boomstick: Yep, and were pitting one of the great lawmen of those day against one of the vilest of villains.

Wiz: The lawman is Quick Draw McGraw, sheriff and all-around do-gooder.

Boomstick: And the villain is Yosemite Sam, the “roughest, toughest he-man stuffest hombré that's ever crossed the Rio Grande.”

Wiz: I’m Wiz and he’s Boomstick.

Boomstick: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Quick Draw McGraw
Wiz: Quick Draw McGraw was an anthropomorphic cartoon horse who had his own television show from 1959 to 1962.

'''Boomstick: Quick Draw himself was a cowboy in the Olde West (trademark), often the sheriff of an unnamed town. He ambled cluelessly from adventure to adventure with his sidekick Baba Looey, and an anthro-po...anthrope...Mexican burro. He also employed a rather strange blood hound named Snuffles, who for some reason was not anthro-po-po-peed.'''

Wiz: And when fighting crime, Quick Draw would assume the guise of a masked vigilante, named El Kabong.

'''Boomstick: That’s right, wearing a black hat, mask and cape, El Kabong would swing out on a rope, and whack the bad guy on the head with his handy dandy four-string guitar. It made a meaty “Kabong” sound, so Quick Draw referred to his guitar as his “Kabonger.” It is just plain AWESOME!'''

Wiz: Kids, don’t try this at home. Also, Quick Draw McGraw is also a Toon Force user. Toon Force is a mystical reality-warping force that allows its users to avoid harm in lethal situations, and produce items from seemingly thin air – if it’s done for comedic purposes.

'''Boomstick: Hey Wiz, quick. Look at the door!'''

Wiz: What?

Boomstick: KABONG!

Yosemite Sam
Wiz: By 1945, the men that made the Bugs Bunny cartoon shorts realized that Elmer Fudd was just too soft to be a good opponent for the rascally rabbit, so animator Friz Freleng introduced a new opponent, Yosemite Sam.

'''Boomstick: Sam was a perfect target for dear ol’ Bugs. He was loud, he was insulting, and he was heavily armed...'''

Wiz (quietly): Sounds like someone I know.

Boomstick: And he was also short, stupid and easily goaded into ill-advised actions.

Wiz: But, Sam was never a push-over. Like his opponent, he’s a master at the use of the Toon Force. He has been shot in the face with pistols, rifles, shotguns and cannons, blown up with dynamite, had safes, anvils and pianos dropped on him, and suffered no appreciable harm.

'''Boomstick: This means that Sam is effectively unkillable. Ho boy! Well, hang onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen; this is going to be a long one!'''

Wiz: Alright the combatants are set; let’s end this debate once and for all.

Boomstick: Its time for a DEATH BATTLE!

Pre-Fight
The scene is a small sheriff’s office in the Old West. Sheriff Quick Draw McGraw is under a desk, sweeping up surprisingly large piles of dust with his dust broom and pan.

Suddenly, the front door slams open, and in runs his deputy, Baba Looey. Quick Draw bashes his head on bottom of the desk, scattering everything that was on the top.

Baba Looey: ''“Hey Queeks Draw, there’s someone outside looking for yu, an he seems very angry. I theen you better get going!”''

Quick Draw stands up and dusts himself off, raising a cloud of dust that temporarily obscures him from view.

Quick Draw: “ Now see here, Baba Looey, as the sher’ff of this here town, ah’m the one that gets angry and people come a’runnin, and doooooon’t you forget it.”

Baba Looey: “I know that and you know that Sheriff Queeks Draw, but that hombre out there, I no think he knows it.”

The sheriff straightens his bandana and adjusts his gun belt: “Well, ah guess ah’ll just have to go teach him some manners.”

Quick Draw walks out the door and onto the dirt street. Up the short distance of the street to the edge of town, a short figure stands in the middle of the street. The sheriff walks to the middle of the street and turns to face the man. The sunlight exposes the features of Yosemite Sam.

Sam: “Be you the sheriff of this good-for-nuthin, one-horse town?”

Quick Draw looks at the camera: ''“One-horse? We’ve got more than one horse, and ah should know. Ah used to be a horse holder at Madame Orr’s House.”'' He waggles his eyebrows at the camera.

'''Suddenly, the voice of Boomstick is heard: “Oh yeah. Did I mention that Quick Draw McGraw is a fourth wall breaker?”'''

Quick Draw puts his hands on his hips and looks at the camera: ''“Now see here, you. You’ve said your peace, now it’s time for this here showdown to take place.”''

Boomstick: “Sorry.”

Quick Draw nods at the camera and then turns back towards Sam: “Ah’m the sher’ff alright, what’s you be a’wantin with me?”

Sam: “My name is Yosemite Sam, the meanest, toughest hombre what ever drew a six-gun!”

Sam draws two pistols, and fires a number of rounds into the ground; lifting him up by almost his entire height into the air. He re-holsters his guns: “You’ve been cleanin’ up this here town, and ah mean to clean up you!”

Quick Draw: “Well ah’m Quick Draw McGraw, the nicest sher’ff this side of Abilene, and ah don’t need no cleanin’.”

With that Quick Draw reaches into his holster, draws his dust broom and points it at the sky. His fingers twitch, squeezing a trigger that isn’t there. Quick Draw looks at the dust broom with surprise. He says: “Hmmm, ah guess ah’ve been doin’ too much cleanin’ at that.”

FIGHT!
Yosemite Sam draws his two pistols and begins blasting away at the sheriff. Quick Draw turns and runs down the street, bullets whizzing past him left and right. Finally he drops behind a watering trough for cover, and draws a pistol from his no longer empty holster.

Quick Draw looks at the camera: “We do the impossible immediately, it saves time.”

Then, he points his gun up the street and begins firing back at Sam. Sam jumps in surprise, and runs over get behind another watering trough.

Sam bounces up from behind the watering trough and fires three rounds from each of his guns at the sheriff, and then he bounces down out of sight.

Then, he bounces out from behind a cactus that was growing incongruously in town, fires three rounds from each gun, and bounces back behind the cactus and out of sight.

Then, he bounces out from behind a spindly hitching post and fires more rounds before bouncing back out of sight.

Quick Draw: “Sometimes there’s a lot to be said for not doin’ the impossible.”

Then, he jumps up, races across the street through a hail of bullets, and into the saloon. The swinging doors bounce with his passing.

Yosemite Sam races up to the doors of the saloon and stops. Then, he lifts his two guns, and struts in under the swinging doors, his hat not even touching the bottoms of them. The piano music and sounds of talking that had filled the saloon suddenly go quiet.

Sam: “A no-good polecat just ran into this here saloon, and ah’m gonna find him!”

Off to Sam’s left, Mickey Mouse, dressed in a cowboy hat, vest and chaps looks to his left. So does everyone else in the place. Seated at a table is Pepe le Pew in a cowboy hat, kissing the hand of a cat in a saloon-girl dress. There’s a puff of smoke, and the cat’s gone, leaving the skunk making kissing noises over his empty hand.

Pepe looks at Sam: ''“Surely you don’t mean moi! I ahm not ‘no-good.’ Like zee little girl with zee curl, when I ahm good I ahm ver-ee good, and when I ahm bad, I ahm bet-air!”''

He waggles his eyebrows.

Suddenly a shot rings out, and a hole appears in Pepe’s hat. It slowly deflates.

Pepe lets out a small, frightened squeak, "Eep."

Sam fires two shots into the ceiling and yells: “Ah’m giving y’all just two seconds to make yourselfs scarce!”

He fires two more shots into the ceiling, and there’s a stampede as all of the saloon patrons run for the doors.

Through the dust of the stampede can be seen Minnie Mouse in a saloon-girl dress, Popeye, Huckleberry Hound in a ten-gallon hat, Betty Boop in tight but stylish cowgirl outfit, Roger Rabbit, and a very nervous looking Sheriff Woody trying to cover his badge with his hand.

When the dust begins to settle, Sam staggers to his feet and says: “Ah feel like a horny toad what’s been run over by a Pony Express rider.”