Archer and Lana vs. Coulson and May

Archer and Lana vs. Coulson and May is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features Sterling Archer and Lana Kane from the animated television show, Archer, and Phil Coulson and Melinda May from the live-action television show, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Description
Two secret agent teams square off against each other to prove once and for all who has the best agents!

Interlude
Boomstick: Secret agents, they are seen as the best of the best – best at getting into places where they shouldn’t be, best at ferreting out secrets, and best at kicking ass.

Wiz: And in this Death Battle, we bring together two teams of secret agents to see who is the best. First of all, there’s the agents of ISIS, Sterling Archer and Lana Kane.

Boomstick: And there’s then there’s the agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Phil Coulson and Melinda May.

Wiz: I’m Wiz, and he’s Boomstick.

Boomstick: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Archer and Lana
Wiz: ISIS, the International Secret Intelligence Service, is a private intelligence agency, contracting to do covert operations, sometimes for the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency, and sometimes, for others.

'''Boomstick: ISIS’s...ISISizz...ISISISizz...anyway, their best agent is none other than Sterling Archer, code name Duchess... OK, this is getting really hard to take seriously.'''

Wiz: Within the world of international intelligence, Archer is known as, “the world's most dangerous spy.” He always packs his Walther PPK, a Fairbairn–Sykes fighting knife in a sheath on his upper back, and even a .25 caliber pistol in his underwear.

'''Boomstick: This is my weapon, this is my gun. This is for fighting, this is for fun.'''

Wiz: Shut up, Boomstick. Archer is also seriously trained in Krav Maga, the martial art developed by the Israel Defense Force, and used by the Mossad.

'''Boomstick: And then, there’s Lana Kane. She doesn’t seem to have a code name, outside of a group of nicknames that people hang on her due to her large size and violent temper. She also considers herself to be an even better agent than Archer.'''

Wiz: It appears that Lana never goes anywhere without her twin TEC-9 machine guns, which she carries in shoulder holsters.

Boomstick: Yeah, she’s got a pair of guns that I would love to get my hands on!

Wiz: Boomstick!

'''Boomstick: What? My Aunt Effie used to wear a pair just like that. At picnics, every time Uncle Bob would finish a beer, he would heave the bottle into the air, and Aunt Effie would shoot it before it hit the ground. As the party went on, and the beer kept flowing, sometimes she would get a little slow on the draw. That’s how she shot Cousin Abel that one time. That’s why we call him Dis-Abel to this day.'''

Wiz: [Sigh] Well, fortunately, that little bit of hillbilly hilarity wouldn’t happen with Lana. Once, when showing off at the firing range, she fire a burst from her TEC-9, and left a string of bullet holes that made a perfect cursive 'L'.

'''Boomstick: And Archer is no slouch with the shootin’ arn. At that same shooting range, he fired all seven rounds from his PPK without looking down range, and got ever bullet on target.'''

Wiz: Yeah, as far as secret agents go, it’s hard to be more dangerous than Sterling Archer and Lana Kane.

Coulson and May
Boomstick: The Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement, and Logistics Division...Good God almighty, someone definitely was willing to jump through a series of hoops to get an acronym that spells out "S.H.I.E.L.D.!"

Wiz: Organized in 1967, S.H.I.E.L.D. has fought Hydra, and a host of other bad-guys, employing many sunglassed and besuited agents, all of them pretty interchangeable.

'''Boomstick: All interchangeable but one, Agent Phil Coulson. Coulson was Nick Fury’s right-hand man, the go-to guy he could count on to handle any situation, whether it required sneaking around, negotiations or some good, solid violence.'''