User blog:Manchitas777/Update:Should I just disappear?

Hey everyone, my name is Manchitas 777 but you can call me Mayhew “Mays” Lambert or whatever the hell you want to call me (I’ll even take Disappointment at this point).

So as you can tell, Scout vs Bibi is taking longer than it should have, hell its way past the five days mark. I’m sorry to have disappointed anyone who was hoping I would finish on time but as you know, life gets in the way of things and it ironically makes living even more difficult. To be honest I’m not sure why I’m writing this, maybe its the last thing I’ll ever write on the internet or maybe I’ll just disappoint even more people for not doing what I should have done years ago or maybe no one will notice and I’ll just fade away like the dead man I am.

To put it bluntly, I’ve been... In pain for several years and have remained quite about it to everyone including myself because I just wanted to believe that everything was okay, that everything was gonna be alright, that everything was just like in the books and video games I read or played as a kid where everywhere was someplace magical with happy endings galore but then I realized, perhaps too early that no... Life isn’t like the books or video games. The good guys don’t always win, children and infants die all the time, there is no Santa Claus, people can kill without a backstory, and that anyone including myself can be a fucked up monster with just one small push in the wrong direction.

What I mean by all this is that for the past few months is that the pain that I silently kept to myself and left away from my life grew if not spiked to the roof after the woman I loved became distant and cold towards me and soon caused a chain reaction that left me humiliated, cynical, legally in trouble,broken, alone, abandoned by many, betrayed and potentially insane. I lost her and many others along the way who blame me for everything that happened. In other words I was wrongly accused of a wrongdoing I didn’t commit and as a result I was abandoned and betrayed with only a handful of people on my side.

For months the everlasting pain only grew and grew, the pain I kept silent to everyone was showing through the cracks as I became a parasite of a human being, relying on what little will I had left and the support I was given by psychiatrists and therapists along with some people to just barely get by in life. Because of that I gained weight, lost my enjoyment in doing things, had many verbal fights with my stubborn family and soon I was a twisted shadow of my former self and former life.

Then one day while working on a futile dream of being a writer and game designer, I decided that for practice on my story writing and creativity, I should maybe work on that Death Battle Fanon website that I used to enjoy working on. And so Colt vs McCree was born and the revival of Manchitas 777 and in a way, my motivation to do something was reborn in some way. At first I felt that it would only be a one time thing and that after that I would go back to work on other things or just quit and go back to sulking and existing as a loser, but strangely, I felt compelled to continue, as if my hopes and dreams had suddenly sparked like a flint to a steel and that I would maybe make something out of my pathetic life, even if it was something as small as just adding pages to a Fanbase site. For a time being I was getting closer to being genuinely happy and in a way it felt like the pit was seeing some light... Until another spike hit me like a bullet train.

Ya know I once had a figure that I cared about, someone who I thought was supposed to believe in me, someone who I thought actually cared about me, someone who actually gave a shit about what I felt and thought even if it was a different point of view. This man was and in a way still is an important figure in my life and in a way I do still care about him despite or perhaps because of how he handled his humanity/flaws. However despite my care for him and how much I looked up to him, he unfortunately never saw our bond as a two way street in some scenarios and even discouraged me from ever thinking for myself when it came to choice or personal identity but expected me to believe in him and give him unconditional support. In the end with the combination of broken promises, many heated arguments, a string of painful insults from both sides, a lack of belief/faith in me, a lack of understanding of my pain/demons and an ignorant and stubborn view of the world that he tried to force upon me, It slowly chipped away at whatever sanity/tolerance I had left from the first spikes.

Flash forward to recently when the last straw broke the camel’s back AKA my tolerance. One night, I became excited for once in months about my passions, beliefs about the world, and dreams of inspiring other generations and people with my writing and games. When I saw him, I approached him and poured my heart out about everything I became excited about and said it with as much love and passion as I possibly could... And he simply looked annoyed at me and said things like:”I don’t care about this” and “You’re dreams are a fucking waste of time” and “Why can’t you believe or want to do something more productive than these asinine games?!” and “You’re just gonna fuck You’re already shitty generation up even more with You’re stupid ideas” and finally “Why can’t you talk to me about anything better than this garbage?”.

All of that left me hurt, the person I looked up too didn’t even care and outright insulted and hated my very own dreams and ideas and yet still wanted me to support him unconditionally. With that I snapped and chugged a coffee at his face. In response I was hit repeatedly in the face (No serious injuries), had my equipment destroyed and thrown into the trash (Except my phone which was hidden at the time of this), had lost his support, and now I no longer have a figure I can look up to.

And now I’m here, filled with even more pain than ever before, alone and forsaken by a figure (Even though he still lives with me) and people I thought believed in me, I am now an even more twisted shadow of my former life and I really have lost everything more times than I can count. And so this leaves me with three questions that I hope that maybe someone can answer. And maybe someone on this godforsaken planet can answer me and help me in a way that not even my figure or the woman I loved could help me with.

1.What the fuck do I have to do for the people I love to actually give a shit?

2.Is it worth it to still have my faith in humanity and in my work when even the people that said would support me called foolish and a fucking waste of time?

3. SHOULD I JUST DISAPPEAR?

This is Mayhew Lambert, and I hope someone believes in you when no one ever believed in me.