User blog:5555thExplosionMage/Mage Comes Out (An Actually Serious Blog)

Okay, so there are a few things I need to get off my chest, they're things that has to do with irl problems and I guess will change how you look at me maybe. If you want to protect your young minds from what is about to be written, turn to a picture of kittens or puppies. If you've read beyond that point, I guess you want to know.

So, when I was younger I didn't have a lot of friends to hang out with. I lived in a large and dangerous city and thus I was not allowed outside, alone. The only time I remember going outside alone was when my uncle was taking care of me and my brothers and allowed me to bike one lap around the block.

When we moved I was brought to a more peaceful city. It was smaller than the one I lived at before and thus I was allowed outside. Of course since I was raised only indoors I stayed indoors as much as I could. It was "a safe place" and it was my place. Eventually my parents kicked me outside and there I made three good friends. We hung out often enjoying our short-lived time together. Yes I do mean short-lived.

One day two of the three friends came to my place and asked if I could follow them that night into an open field. where apparently their Grandfather was going to set off some fireworks. I told them I would ask my parents first and they immediately said that it was a bad idea. They left and I told my parents anyway just so I could understand what happened. They never really told me but now my mind can think of a billion things that could've happened if I went.

I wasn't allowed to hang out with two of the three friends and so I was left with my final friend; who moved 7 months later. I happened to make two other friends however and were certainly a change of pace. I learned to adapt to what they like and quickly fit in and I was able to act like a (slightly) social person. Then they moved. I made another friend and in a year we moved.

Before I move on into the new location I'll tell you my school life in this location.

In the slightly smaller city it was my first time ever attending an actual school. The atmosphere was certainly different and the people there had a sort of happiness to them. As I attended I quickly made a name for myself and I was on my way to becoming a good student. Until people shut me out. Within three months I was quickly made into the laughing stalk, the one nobody paired up with, the kid who sat alone in the class as everyone gathered into a circle to talk about some random stuff about.

This went on for a good few years until I was in the 7th grade. This grade was hell. I was not only the laughing stalk but also the punching bag. Once again I was the one who was absolutely frightened of everyone in the class, I purposfully made it so I kept my distance but nowhere was safe. It was a full year of being bullied by everyone, it got so bad that my teachers described to me that I looked like "an abused puppy cowering in a corner". No matter what the teachers did it wouldn't stop. I still remember the day when one teacher asked me when I was alone working on a project just so I wouldn't have to deal with the bullying, "Have you ever thought of ending it all?"

That question and my response has stuck with me to this day I remember telling him, "Everyday I am faced with a choice: Be an idiot and take my own life, or press on and look for a brighter tomorrow. Which do you think I'll pick?" It was followed with a long moment of silence and then a long tear-filled hug.

8th grade was a turning point, The main influences of me being targetted were gone and I met someone who shared a common interest with me. Anime. We both quickly became friends and talked almost all the time. We hung out during recess, we hung out during lunch, and I carried her through a terrible emotional state. Like it was really serious and required some time. Eventually the year was about to end and I learned that the school was being taken down. Because of this, I would never be able to see one of my truest friends again.

Small town. It is quiet here. There is not much to do besides walk around and walk around and walk around. Since it is the middle of nowhere I have nobody I know and the only time I get to talk to friends is on Sundays. I am allowed outside and allowed to go wherever I really want since nothing really bad can happen here. Of course, there is no escape.

9th grade. I entered this new school with open arms and great determination. I WAS GOING TO HAVE A GOOD YEAR! AND NOTHING WAS GOING TO STOP ME! I established myself quickly and made one friend. And then he backstabbed me and actually hates my guts. So do almost everyone else in the class except for a few people. Who I became friends with halfway through the year. I became persecuted by almost the entire school for liking anime as soon as I mentioned it. Near the end of the year the peopel at school twisted me so much that I rarely can enjoy anime or games. I'll just sit there staring into the screen with empty eyes wishing for some kind of joy to come out of it.

Eventually that torture ended and I was in 10th grade. Yay for leading into modern day. So, you know those friends from before? They honestly don't talk to me. In order for me to have a conversation with them I'll have to start it and they'll quickly end it. Everyone else in my class still hates my guts and persecute me endlessly for liking anime. As usual I am the last one picked in everything, I am disrespected. I am left alone. I want to curl up into a corner and stay there until I finally die.

...

Today. Another day, another pain. School is eating at my soul draining me of all happiness I have tried to keep. I am left as a walking corpse that doesn't care of what society thinks of them anymore. I am dead on the inside. I pushed for so long and finally the thoughts have come into my head. The thoughts I wished never would come. The same question is constantly popping into my head, "Have you ever thought of ending it all?"

Don't worry I am going to stick with the decision I made two years ago. But I am at an all time low in anything. But yeah, you guys have been the only thing keeping me afloat as of late and I don't want to go anytime soon. I am asking that you tone down the weeb jokes however as I get enough of comments related to that at school. I'm not going to give in to the thoughts that have finally arrived.

This is Mage, talking about a serious problem, signing out. Staying alive.