Harley Quinn vs. Haruko Haruhara (FLCL)

Opening
Pixie: It’s not easy, being a woman, especially when the guy you’re sweet on could give two shits that you exist. Some days, you just feel like smashing a large, blunt object over someone’s head. But for these women, that day is every day: Harley Quin, the Joker’s lovelorn lackey—

Spider: And Haruko Haruhara, pursuer of the Pirate King, Atomsk!

Pixie: Well Har, Hardy Har Har.

Spider (groans): I’m Spider.

Pixie: And I’m Pixie!

Spider: And it’s our job to analyze their powers, abilities and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!

Harley Quinn
Spider: Young Harleen Quinzel was a once a normal young woman, working as a psychologist at Arkham Asylum—

Pixie: Well, normal as a psychologist in Gotham can hope to be.

Spider: --but her life and her psyche were changed forever the day she was assigned to treat Batman’s arch-nemesis and Gotham’s most depraved serial killer, the Joker.

Pixie:  Harleen came down with a bad case of the hots for the J-bug, and really, who can blame her? The pasty white skin, the soul-scarring rictus-smile, the homicidal sociopathy…

Spider: She can still pick them better than you do.

Pixie: HEY!

Spider: Irresistibly drawn to the Joker, Harleen joined him in his criminal escapades and became Harley Quinn.

Pixie: Harley has picked up quite a few tricks during her criminal career. Her reflexes and acrobatic ability are almost inhuman, her strength has been enhanced, and she’s developed a complete immunity to all toxins. Probably from swapping juices with the Joker and Poison Ivy.

Spider (angrily): Pixie, stop being lewd.

Pixie: I’m REFERRING to the toxins that both Joker and Poison Ivy have exposed her too. Obviously.

Spider: Oh, that’s a relief.

Pixie: And also she probably had sex with both of them.

Spider: DAMNIT!

Pixie: Harley is clearly no slouch in hand-to-hand, since has proven she can hold her own against Batman, a master of nearly every martial art in existence. She also carries a pretty unique arsenal. Her most iconic weapon is her mallet, which, while difficult to wield, can knock the crap out of anyone who gets between her and her puddin’.

Spider: She has also used an over-sized novelty pistol, which can fire large corks, or dangerous spears with “BANG!” flags on them.

Pixie: Not to mention various explosives, a spring-loaded boxing-glove gun, and a bunch of other silly gadgets. This woman really doesn’t seem to take her life of crime all that seriously, does she?

Spider: Harley does occasionally exhibit some rather bizarre behavior, and can come off a bit ditzy. For example, while visiting Metropolis, she attacked Superman with what she claimed was a Kryptonite blast, but was actually just a mixture of dried parsley and glitter.

Pixie: Geez, what an idiot! Guess she’d have to be to stick with a boyfriend who chucks her off buildings and locks her in prison cells every other week.

Spider: Well, some of Harley’s feats have proven that she’s not nearly as dumb as she seems, and it is possible that her apparent ditziness is merely an act. She has proven she can put her psychology prowess to good use, such as the time she tricked a demonic cowboy into letting her out of Hell by exploiting his love for his homosexual son.

Pixie: …Comic books are weird.

Spider: Well, it made sense in context.

Pixie: Regardless of how genuine her moments of stupidity may be, Harley is one dangerous lady.

[Harley kicks Batman after defeating him in Injustice: Gods Among Us.]

Harley: LIGHTEN UP!

Haruko Haruhara
Spider: There is a city, they say, where nothing ever happens. A city where everything is ordinary.

Pixie: Provided, of course, that you count a pink-haired girl using an electric bass to bash open a robot-spewing portal in a kid’s head as ordinary.

Spider: After dramatically entering young Naota’s life via speeding Vespa, Haruko became a tenant at his home. Her behavior and demeanor seemed violent, quirky and random, but beneath this eccentricity lay an ulterior motive. Haruko was actually an alien who had come to Earth in pursuit of the Pirate King.

Pixie: Gotta go, gotta go yo-ho, yo-hoooo. His name is Luffy, that’s—

Spider: Not that Pirate King! The Pirate King Atomsk, who is… some kind of a giant cosmic phoenix capable of stealing entire galaxies, apparently?

Pixie: …And I said comics were weird.

Spider: Haruko, supposedly in love with Atomsk, sought to devour him and absorb his powers for herself, but was thwarted by Naota, who turned Atomsk’s powers against her, then set the Pirate King free.

Pixie: Which is good, because if Haruko had Atomsk’s powers, she’d crush Harley like an over-ripe tomato.

Spider: Owing, perhaps, to her alien biology, Haruko has incredible speed and reflexes. Once, while caught under a hail of machine gun-fire, she defended herself by cutting every bullet in half with a straight razor.

Pixie: …an ordinary razor?

Spider: Presumably.

Pixie: And it didn’t break, or, you know, bend from the force of the bullets or anything?

Spider: Anime physics, Pixie. Anime physics. Haruko is also incredibly resilient, and has shrugged off blows from giant robots without trouble.

Pixie: Haruko’s weapon of choice is her Rickenbocker bass, which she… starts like a chain-saw? Is this a fucking vibra-weapon or something? Well, she can swing it hard enough to knock out robots, so, however it works, it works.

Spider: She can also ride the bass like a hover board and fly through the air.

Pixie: …Okay, I am officially done trying to make sense of this show. Haruko also has a sling-shot she can use for ranged combat, and her trusty steed, the Vespa! This high-velocity scooter can apparently drive itself while out of Haruko’s reach, is extremely maneuvable, and is capable of space travel.

Spider: In addition to her weapons and natural abilities, Haruko is a remarkably skilled and ruthless manipulator who was able to convince Naota to trust her and even love her in a very short period of time.

Pixie: Which is kinda odd, considering she beats the crap out of him constantly and isn’t above using him as an improvised projectile.

Spider: That said, Haruko has her weaknesses. Her plans, while clever, can go wrong.

Pixie: And she’s kinda terrible at disguises.

Spider: She also makes some dubious tactical errors, such as the time she tried to attack a giant robot with a ukulele.

[Clip from FLCL Plays]

Haruko (holding a shattered Ukulele): Ukulele no good, nyu.

Pixie: But despite her short-comings, Haruko’s ferocity and unpredictability make her an incredibly dangerous opponent.

[Haruko takes off on her Vespa.]

Haruko: LUUUUUNCH-TIIIIIIME!

DEATH BATTLE!
Spider: Alright, our combatants our ready. Let’s put an end to this debate once and for all.

Pixie: It’s time for a DEATH BATTLE!

*    *   *

Harley Quinn and the Joker stalk the streets of Gotham, armed to the teeth. The Joker’s thugs are in position all across the city, ready to douse its citizens in Joker’s toxic gas as soon as he gives the command.

The Joker turns to Harley, grinning. “I have to hand it to you, Harley. I could never have gotten this far without you. Now, are you ready to watch all our hard work pay off?”

Harley squirms with excitement. “I’m dyin’ for it, puddin’.”

“Excellent.”

As the Joker raises a walkie-talkie to his mouth to give the command, a yellow Vespa rockets up onto the side-walk, slams into him and knocks him unconscious. Harley shrieks as the Vespa pulls a triple donut behind her and comes to a halt.

The Vespa’s rider, Haruko Haruhara, lifts her goggles and grins wickedly. “Whoops.”

Harley draws her mallet, enraged. “Where da heck did you learn to drive, ya skinny, yellow-eyed bimbo!?”

Haruko steps off her Vespa, and it speeds away. “Space,” she says, casually. “I’m an alien.”

“That’s nice ta hear, ‘cuz for what you did ta Mistah J, I’m gonna knock you straight to da moon!”

Haruko draws her Rickenbocker and yanks the pull-cord, and the bass begins to buzz and vibrate menacingly. “You’re making a mistaaake,” she drawls, in falsetto.

FIGHT!

                Harley charges and swings her mallet at Haruko’s face, who parries the blow with her bass, and swings at Harley’s ribs. Harley blocks, but the force of the blow staggers her, and Haruko follows up with an under-handed strike to the chin that sends Harley flying.

Harley pulls a quick somersault in the air, lands on her feet and hurls an exploding cream-pie at Haruko. Haruko attempts to dodge, but is caught in the edge of the blast and sent tumbling. With her foe on the ground, Harley draws her novelty pistol and fires a massive cork at Haruko’s head, but Haruko rolls out of the way, leaps onto her bass and begins to ride it through the air. Harley lets loose with an assault of corks, bang-flags and pistols, but Haruko dodges the projectiles with ease and fires back with her sling-shot. A sling-shot round catches Harley in the face, stunning her.

Suddenly, Haruko spots Naota on the street behind her and zips in to land and say hello.

Naota jumps in surprise. “Haruko!? Where the heck did you go?”

Without answering, Haruko seized Naota and delivers a French-kiss. With the young boy dazed by her kiss, Haruko cracks an evil grin, hits him with her bass and sends him flying at Harley like a base-ball.

“Suck shotacon!” the alien shouts.

Harley recovers from her stun and ducks as Naota sails over her head. “Shotokan? I didin’ know ya knew Karotty!”

Harley closes the gap with a flying kick to Haruko’s face, knocking her prone, and raises her mallet to deliver the final blow. Haruko quickly raises her bass to block the attack. As she struggles to hold Harley off with one hand, she stick her fingers in her mouth and delivers an ear-splitting whistle.

Suddenly, the Vespa slams into Harley from behind, knocking her into the air. Haruko grabs the handle-bar as it passes and pulls a quick U-turn. Just before Harley can hit the ground, Haruko speeds in and swings her bass. The Rickenbocker knock’s Harley Quinn’s head clean off her shoulders, and it flies into space and becomes a twinkle in the sky.

K.O!

                ''Haruko grabs Naota and flies off on her Vespa. Seconds later, Batman swoops in to foil the Joker’s plan, notices the Joker knocked out and Harley Quinn’s headless corpse, and gasps, utterly shocked.''

Post-Battle Analysis
Pixie: Now that is how you swing the freakin’ bat!

Spider: While Harley Quinn had a more varied arsenal and more effective ranged attacks, it wasn’t enough to save her.

Pixie: Harley’s projectiles all move a lot slower than bullets, so Haruko didn’t have much trouble dodging everything the clown shot at her.

Spider: The two were roughly equal in terms of intelligence and manipulation, and while Harley arguably had more fighting skill than Haruko, she had no hope of keeping up with Haruko’s raw speed and reflexes.

Pixie: Not to mention power! Harley’s hammer might have packed a punch, but it’s nowhere close to the Rickenbocker. In addition to knocking down robots Harley would have trouble even fazing, Haruko once knocked a base-ball shaped bomb the size of an asteroid back into space!

Spider: More than enough force to finish off Harley, whose durability is nowhere close to Haruko’s.

Pixie: Harley Quinn should have stopped clowning around and Fooly Cooled it.

Spider: This battle’s winner is Haruko Haruhara.

Next time, on Death Battle!
''Green binary code flashes across a black screen. Letters begin to appear: T-H-E M-A-T—''

''Suddenly, the screen blurs, the picture distorts, and an eerie voice speaks.''

'' “Present day. Present time. HAHAHAHAHA!”''

''The screen goes black. Silence.''

Spider: …Oh God, no.

Pixie: I think I need a new pair of panties.