Kuma vs. Iorek Byrnison (Golden Compass)

Introduction
Spider: Since humanity’s earliest encounters with nature, they have lived in cautious observance of one vital piece of knowledge—

Pixie: The knowledge that bears are really fucking strong and scary. And as if the raw strength to tear you limb from limb wasn’t enough, some bears are actually trained in claw-to-claw combat. Like Kuma, Heihachi’s furry body-guard.

Spider: And Iorik Byrnnison, rightful king of the polar bears. I’m Spider.

Pixie: And I’m Pixie!

Spider: And it’s our job to analyze their power, abilities and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Kuma
Pixie: So remember that jerk Heihachi we talked about a while ago? Crime lord, dick to his offspring, gets thrown off of cliffs a lot? Well, when Old Man Bald-spot decided he needed a pet, he picked the fiercest animal to ever serve as a rug in front of a fire-place: the bear! He named his pet bear Kuma, the Japanese word for bear, because Heihachi is as bad at being creative as he is good at punching things.

Spider: Heihachi, with his love of all things strong and ruthless, grew quite fond of Kuma, and instructed him in Kuma Shinken, a martial arts style he developed, designed specifically for bears.

Pixie:  Heihachi developed a martial arts style ''specifically for bears''?

Spider: …Yes. Yes he did.

Pixie: That old fart has way too much time on his hands.

Spider: Well, some would consider it time well-spent, since with proper training, Kuma became one of Heihachi’s most loyal sevant. Loyal unto death in fact, as Kuma died of old age following the events of Tekken 2.

Pixie: Heihachi then found himself another pet bear, who he named… Kuma II. Yes, really. He also trained Kuma II in Kuma Shinken, meaning Kuma II has the exact same fighting style as the original Kuma. Thankfully, Kuma II wears a bright red neckerchief, thus making him a completely different and unique character. Kuma weighs in at 463 pounds, and with his savage strength and martial skill, he’s a force to be reckoned with. He can juggle foes, land combos and spin-kicks, and can even pull off his own version of Heihachi’s Stone-head and Demon Uppercut attacks.

Spider: In addition to more technical moves, Kuma also uses more natural methods of combat, clawing and biting his foes. He is also capable of weaponising his… er… flatulence.

Pixie: Wait as sec. Heihachi created a martial art specifically for bears, that involves weaponized farts!?

Spider (sighs): …Yes.

Pixie: I take back everything I said about him, Heihachi is fucking awesome.

Spider: Well, while the Bear Fart is immensely powerful, it is a very difficult attack to land. In its original appearances, Kuma’s fart was actually strong enough to knock out any opponent in a single hit, but as of Street Fighter X Tekken, the fart’s power has been toned down quite a bit.

Pixie: Heihachi must have started feeding him a different brand of bear-chow.

Spider: Also, while Kuma is very intelligent for a bear, he’s still pretty dim by human standards.

Pixie: He’s also got a massive unrequited crush on a panda named… Panda!?  What the fuck, Namco? Are you seriously this bad at coming up with names? Do you all own dogs named Dog? And children named Child?

Spider: While his name is less than creative, Kuma is certainly one of the most skilled fighting bears ever trained.

[Clip from Tekken 3]

Kuma II: GRAAAARGH!