User blog:Sharaku Jr./Steamed Hams But It's A Death Battle Fanon Wiki Blog Post

CHALMERS: Well, Seymour, I made it... despite your directions. SKINNER: Ah, Superintendent Chalmers! Welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon! CHALMERS: Uhh... SKINNER: [gasp] Oh egads, my roast is ruined! But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? [to himself] Oh ho ho ho ho... delightfully devilish, Seymour! CHALMERS: Uh- [cue song] Skinner with his crazy explanations, The superintendent's gonna need his medication, When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations, There'll be trouble in town tonight! [end of song] CHALMERS: Seymour! SKINNER: Superintendent, I was just, uh... just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise! Care to join me? CHALMERS: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? SKINNER: Uhh... no! That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having! Mmm... steamed clams! [beat] Ooh... [a few moments later] SKINNER: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers! CHALMERS: I thought we were having steamed clams. SKINNER: D'oh, no. I said steamed hams! That's what I call hamburgers! CHALMERS: You call hamburgers "steamed hams?" SKINNER: Yes. It's a regional dialect! CHALMERS: Uh-huh... uh, what region? SKINNER: Uhh... upstate New York? CHALMERS: Really? Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams." SKINNER: Oh, not in Utica, no. It's an Albany expression. CHALMERS: I see. [beat] You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. SKINNER: Oh ho ho ho... no, patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe. CHALMERS: For steamed hams? SKINNER: Yes. CHALMERS: Yeah, so you call them "steamed hams" despite the fact they are obviously grilled. SKINNER: Ye- hey- you know, the- one thing I should- excuse me for one second. CHALMERS: Of course. SKINNER: [YAWN] Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all, I'm pooped. CHALMERS: Yes, I should be- Good Lord, what is happening in there!? SKINNER: Aurora borealis? CHALMERS: Uh- aurora borealis!? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen!? SKINNER: Yes! CHALMERS: May I see it? SKINNER: No. SKINNER'S MOTHER: Seymour, the house is on fire! SKINNER: No, mother—it's just the northern lights! CHALMERS: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say... you steam a good ham. SKINNER'S MOTHER: Help! Help!