She-Hulk vs. Sheeva (Mortal Kombat)

Opening
Pixie: For some strange reason, the ladies of pop-culture rarely seem to be a muscular as the guys. Of course, there are a couple of prominent exceptions, such as Jennifer Walters, the She-Hulk.

Spider: And Sheeva, Lady Warrior of the Shokan. I’m Spider.

Pixie: And I’m Pixie!

Spider: And it’s up to us to analyze their power, abilities and skills to determine who would win a Death Battle.

She-Hulk
Spider: Jennifer Walters was a crusading attorney and the cousin of renowned scientist Bruce Banner, better known as the Incredible Hulk. When Jen was shot and nearly killed by the mafia, the only thing that could save her life was a blood transfusion from her cousin.

Pixie: But a shot of Hulk-blood did more than save Jennifer’s life. It gave her the power to transform into a huge, green, pissed-off power-house just like her cousin. She became the Savage She-hulk!

Spider: While She-hulk was originally almost identical to the Hulk in nature, her transformations later became different in many key aspects. Unlike the Hulk, She-hulk does not need anger to transform, and she actually maintains her intelligence and ability to speak, though her personality becomes a bit more… flirtatious, to put it lightly.

Pixie: Hey, if I had a body like that, I’d show it off too. She-hulk got almost all of her cousin’s powers, including super-strength, durability, speed and regeneration. She’s strong enough to lift weights that even gave the Fantastic Four’s The Thing trouble, one-handed, and like the Hulk, she can gain additional strength from anger and other emotional highs. Machine-gun fire bounces off her big, green bod with about as much effect as spit-balls, she’s tough enough to trade blows with the Hulk on a regular basis,  and she once regenerated completely after being impaled within a few minutes. Her running speed isn’t exactly consistent, but depending on your source, it’s somewhere between 200 mph and the speed of sound. Pretty speedy, regardless.

Spider: Since she maintains intelligence, She-hulk actually uses a refined martial arts style, as opposed to the Hulk’s wild, graceless swings. After being trained by Captain America, one of the finest martial artists in the Marvel Universe, Jennifer developed enough skill to easily defeat thugs even when she isn’t transformed.

Pixie: As an ace attorney, Jen’s no dummy. She demonstrated the advantages of keeping her wits in a fight when she used a combination of psychology and pressure-point strikes to bring down Abomination, one of the only villains who is often portrayed as stronger than the Hulk. Too bad her pressure-point attacks don’t work like Kenshiro’s, though. ATATATATA! 100 Crack Fist of the Distaff Counterpart!

Spider: Also, while this power is not always apparent, She-hulk possesses Forth Wall Awareness. Like Deadpool, She-hulk is aware that she is a comic-book character, can talk to her to her readers, and has even interacted with her own comic, tearing through the cover page or punching straight through the advertisements in the middle.

Pixie: Yeesh, is there anything this gal can’t do?

Spider: Well, while her body is incredibly strong… and tough… and fast… and uh… curvy… supple… mmm…

Pixie: You alright there, Spider?

Spider (shaking herself): Ah, while She-hulk is very strong, she doesn’t have any additional resistance to psychic attacks, like the Hulk does. This was demonstrated in Sensational She-hulk #1, when She-hulk was easily hypnotized by a minor villain, the Ring Master. Also, her costume, the Jupiter Suit, actually limits her strength significantly.

Pixie: Why does it do that, again?

Spider: Well, She-hulk is a super-hero, and like most other super-heroes, she’s not a fan of murder. Limiting her strength makes it easier for her to defeat her foes without accidentally killing them, though the Jupiter Suit can be damaged, unleashing her full strength.

Pixie: She-hulk also lost to Red Hulk, but on the other hand Red Hulk wiped the floor with everyone from Thor to the Watcher back before the writers remembered he wasn’t invincible, so that battle doesn’t count.

Spider: She-hulk has battled alongside the Avengers as well as the Fantastic Four, and for good reason: she’s one of the strongest women in universe.

[Clip from Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3 shows She-hulk after clobbering Hawk-eye]

She-Hulk: She-Hulk smash! *giggle* …Imagine!

Sheeva
Spider: When Shao Kahn, scourge of the Outworld, needed a personal body-guard, he chose Goro, the Shokan—

Pixie: Who would go down in history as one of the most horribly frustrating and broken video-game bosses of all time. When he needed a body-guard for his goth-haired  Queen Sindel, he chose Sheeva. Or as I like to call her, Goro-with-Boobs. Because let’s be honest here, that’s like, ninety percent of her character design in three words.

Spider: Like all of the Shokan, Sheeva was bound to serve Shao Kahn as an undyingly loyal body-guard and servant.

Pixie: Of course, once the big man kicked the bucket (for, like, the eighth time, but NetherRealm Studios promises it’s for reals this time, you guys) Sheeva’s people needed a new leader. Through combat, Sheeva proved herself fit to be that leader, and became Queen of the Shokan.

Spider: As a Shokan, Sheeva has four arms and incredible strength and toughness. She is strong enough to tear off a person’s limbs and beat them to death with them, or to simply grab their flesh and pull their skin off in a single piece, a Fatality called ‘Stripped Down’.

Pixie:   Too bad NetherRealm owns her, because that move would make for an awesome piece of PETA propaganda. Sheeva is also quite skilled in hand-to-hand combat, and often takes advantage of her two-armed foes by grabbing them with her lower arms and pummeling them with her upper arms. I know she can’t exactly not use that second set of arms, but still, that kind of feels like cheating.

Spider: The Shokan Queen is surprisingly swift, and can leap into the air to stomp her foes flat. The trait that makes her unique among her Shokan compatriots, however, is her unusually powerful pyrokinesis. Sheeva can launch fireballs out of her hands that can knock her foes flat on the ground, a feat not even Goro could accomplish.

Pixie:  Also she can turn into a giant scorpion and cause people to explode by stinging them, because at this point, why the fuck not? I swear, NetherRealm handed this lady powers like they were napkins at a BBQ restaurant. No wonder she was one of Shao Kahn’s most terrifying minions for so long.

[Clip from MK9 shows Sheeva applauding herself using the dismembered arms of her defeated foe.]

DEATH BATTLE!
Spider: Alright, our combatants are ready. Let’s put an end to this debate once and for all.

Pixie: It’s time for a Death Battle!

*    *   *

In the middle of a city street, a vicious fistfight is drawing to a close. Sheeva grabs Johnny Cage and pummels his face, knocking him senseless. Cage staggers, punch-drunk and bleeding heavily. Sheeva moves in to perform a Fatality…

Suddenly, She-Hulk dashes in and shoves Sheeva’s chest, knocking her back. “Whoa, hands off the stunt-double!” the green-skinned Avenger shouts.

Sheeva stares at She-Hulk, stunned by her boldness, and glares. “You have been given no right to interfere in the affairs of the Shokan Queen.”

“And you have no right to beat a man to death in the middle of the street. This isn’t a video-game, you know.”  She-Hulk takes a moment to glance back at Johnny. “Get to a hospital. I’ll stay here and hold her off.”

Johnny, beginning to regain his senses, nods and runs off. Sheeva takes her stance and prepares to combat her new opponent.

FIGHT!

She-Hulk dashes forwards and slams a knee into Sheeva’s gut. With the Shokan stunned, She-Hulk lands a couple of quick punches to the head, but Sheeva suddenly catches She-Hulk’s fists with her upper arms, uses her lower arms to land two hooks to the rib-cage, and knocks She-Hulk back with a head-butt. She-Hulk staggers, but as Sheeva steps forwards and swings a big right hook at her head, She-Hulk ducks the blow and fires a cross-punch. Sheeva blocks, but She-Hulk keeps up the pressure with a flurry of punches. Sheeva’s guard fails, and She-Hulk lands a punch straight to the jaw. With Sheeva stunned, She-Hulk launches a drop-kick, knocking Sheeva across the street.

While the Shokan lays prone, She-Hulk mockingly rubs her chin. “Let’s see here… you’ve got skimpy clothing, over-blown musculature, red eyes, a perpetual grimace and a goofy Mohawk-mullet combo. You must be one of those god-awful Dark Age characters Liefeld cooked up in the nineties.”

Sheeva rises to her feet with an enraged roar and hurls a blast of fire, catching She-Hulk by surprise. The fire hits She-Hulk straight in the chest, knocking her to the ground. Sheeva follows up the attack by leaping through the air and stomping down on She-Hulk’s stomach, and She-Hulk gasps in pain. Sheeva leaps up for another stomp, but She-Hulk catches hold of her feet, turns, and slams her into the ground. As She-Hulk stands up and steps back to get a little distance from her foe, Sheeva transforms into a giant scorpion and lashes out with her tail. She-Hulk evades the first jab, then catches the stinger with her hands, swings Sheeva around in a circle and hurls her into the side of a building. Sheeva sinks to the ground, his transformation fading, and returns to her normal form.

As She-Hulk sprints towards Sheeva to finish her off, Sheeva stands up and begins hurling more fire-blasts. She-Hulk side-steps the first second blasts and tumbles under the third, but then Sheeva rushes her, grabs her with her lower-arms and batters her head with her upper-arms. She-Hulk is dazed, and Sheeva grabs her at the flanks and begins to pull down at her flesh.

SHRRRIIP!

Sheeva looks down at her hands and blinks, confused. She-Hulk’s skin was too tough for the Shokan to tear, and instead, Sheeva has accidentally ripped off the Jupiter Suit, leaving She-Hulk standing in the middle of the street in her bra and panties. The Queen of the Shokan looks up with a sheepish grin, and She-Hulk scowls, then punches her in the chest at full force. Sheeva’s body explodes into a fine, red mist.

K.O!

A crowd of paparazzi appears with cameras, and She-Hulk blushes and flexes in her undies with a goofy grin while they snap pictures.

Post-Battle Analysis
Pixie (trying hard not to laugh): This battle was… uh…heh… BWAHAHAH! Ha-ha, yeah, no, this fight was nowhere near close.

Spider: She-Hulk had a massive advantage in nearly every possible category. While Shokan are strong, She-Hulk can lift over 100 tons, far beyond Sheeva’s capabilities. Her durability, intelligence and speed are also greater than Sheeva’s, and while Sheeva’s four arms gave her a slight advantage, She-Hulk’s hand-to-hand training was vastly superior. Sheeva is trained; She-Hulk was trained by one of the best martial artists in the universe.

Pixie: Sheeva might have had a better ranged attack than She-Hulk, but come on. She-Hulk fights dudes who shoot lasers and fire every other day. Did you really think a couple of fireballs would be enough to take Shulkie down? Honestly, Sheeva was boned even if she hadn’t destroyed the Jupiter Suit. Looks like She-Hulk’s true power was laid bare.

Spider: The winner is She-Hulk.

Next time on Death Battle!
A woman with a green leotard, twin brains and a red beret locks eyes on a woman with a blonde pony-tail.

"Target acquired... Beginning mission!"

"You've got a date with death."