User blog:MP999/Ridonculous Race Episode 4, part two

Jar Jar: Meesa got a bad feeling about this!

The Gungan and his partner are running through the snow quickly; though not able to keep up with the other teams, Jar Jar’s long legs and Kyousuke’s teleportion allow them to fare better than some other teams. Vegeta and Segata merely walk through the blizzard, sharply staring at each other as if the snow wasn’t even there.

Nartuo: Come on, Calamari guy! Let’s go!

Naruto and the Inkling blast their way through the snow, but are met with heavy fire from an AT-ST. They fire back ineffectively, and the Inkling is splatted harshly.

Jar Jar: GAH! Issa AT-ST! BIG DOODOO!

Jar Jar sprints and outpaces a surprised Kyousuke while Naruto stands over his partner’s body. The cold temperature of the planet unfortunately froze the Inkling solid before it could reform, so a disgusted ninja picks up the frozen blob of orange and begins to carry it through the snow. Goku and Pit, back on their feet, fly over the snow, deflecting any blasts that come their way. Vincent, Lucas, Satsuki and Ringabel don’t struggle with the snow either, leaving Deadpool, Superman, Naruto and the Inkling in last.

Meanwhile, out in first, Mewtwo and Katara reach the Don Box and smack it open.

Katara: It’s an Either/Or. The best of the best, or the worst of the worst?

Don: Let’s poke a bit of fun at Star Wars here. In the Best of the Best, combatants have to destroy one of the AT-ATs roaming about the fields of Hoth and bring its data core to the last Don Box, ten miles out from the midway one. No doubt the harder task. Worst of the worst will require the teams to sift through a very corse sandbox in order to find one of these $5 plastic pendants that represent how forced love is so cheap. The easier task. Problem is, we conveniently forgot to write the instructions on the cards, so the teams will only be notified after they’ve made their choice. And there’s no going back.

Mewtwo: We take the worst of the worst. I can defeat any challenge this foolish game throws at me.

Katara: You don’t think we should just take the easy way out?

Mewtwo, in response, telekinetically picks up an advancing AT-AT and crushes it in the air.

Don: Uh, do we give them that one? They never accepted it? Okay, sand it is. Send them a messenger Tauntaun.

Mewtwo reads the message with Katara and shakes his head in utter disappointment.

Katara: If there’s a joke here, I don’t get it.

Mario and Weiss soon show up and make the exact same mistake. Big Daddy and Mega Man, however, opt to go for the easy way out, mostly because Rock misinterprets the rapture terror’s moans. The two charge after an AT-AT, and though Big Daddy isn’t able to damage its lower half, Megaman gets an idea and launches both up onto its back.

Vegeta: No, we’re doing the best of the best!

Segata: Segasatun Shiro!

Vegeta: I have no idea what the bloody hell that means, but it better be chumpspeak for “I agree with you, Vegeta!”

Segata: Segasatun Shiro!

Vegeta: Stop bloody talking!

The other teams, minus Deadpool and Superman, and Naruto and Inkling, arrive at the Don Box while the two continue to argue. Every single one of them accidently opts for the sandbox... except Jar Jar and Kyousuke.

Kyousuke: You have GOT to be kidding me.

Jar Jar: Meesa once destroy a droid army. Wait here, meesa go finda a boomba!

Kyousuke: A what now?

Jar Jar: Is big ball of energy, works very well on

Jar Jar is interrupted as an AT-AT’s foot stomps down behind him and carries him off, screaming. Meanwhile, Don looks at the massive number of participants around the sandbox and shrugs.

Don: (into cell phone) Okay, tell the rebels we weren’t able to help as much as we planned, so we’re offering them a 50% refund.

Way back, near the starting point, Superman is still trying to shake Deadpool out of his fantasy.

Superman: Come on, Wade! I don’t want to have to hurt you!

Deadpool: Sorry Supes, but I’d rather lose this tournament right now and live the rest of my life here than go on.

Superman: Not an option in my book, pal.

Superman goes to grip Deadpool’s wrist, but his strength accidentally crushes it into a bloody pulp. Deadpool is unfazed.

Superman: How... how did you not feel any pain?

Deadpool: The ballsiest healing factor in comic history, of course. Makes me pretty OP, I admit. But there’s still a number of people out there who think I’m unstoppable because of it. You know your pal Lobo? People actually think I can b... wait a minute, why are you smiling?

Superman: You don’t get injured, huh?

Back at the Don Box, Vegeta is still arguing with Segata when Deadpool comes flying out of the sky with a fist imprint in his face, landing on the prince. Superman touches down next to him.

Superman: What does the challenge say?

Don: Doesn’t matter, sandbox is full, go fight one of those giant robots, bring back the data core.

Segata: Giganto Roboto? Hmm...

Segata, Deadpool and Superman run off to hunt for an AT-AT while Vegeta gets up dazed, dragon balls floating in a circle around his head.

Vegeta: Hey! Wait! You honestly think you can destroy one of those without my help! I’ll...

His boast is cut off as Segata flips the transport onto the ground with his bare hands, punches into the cockpit, and rips out the data core. He calmly walks back, past a stunned Vegeta who can only watch as the AT-AT explodes... twice.

Superman: Wow, that guy is pretty strong!

Deadpool: Well, so are you!

Superman: I don’t feel I have access to my normal strength here. Almost as if there’s some type of restraint on me...

Deadpool: Oh, GRN did that to make it fair for the other competitors. Just a sec.

Deadpool whips out a laptop and begins typing furiously.

Superman: What the heck are you on about now?

Deadpool: I’m just hacking into his blog on the Death Battle Wiki to alter the rules for this one episode. There, you’re back to your regular OP self. Go to town.

The combatants at the sandbox look up as what appears to be fireworks go off in the sky.

Katara: Mewtwo, hurry up! Help dig!

Mewtwo: I’m not wasting physical effort on activities such as this. I’m merely using Future Sight to detect when we will find the necklace.

Katara: Wait, you can predict the future?

Mewtwo: In a way, yes.

Katara: Who’s going to win?

Mewtwo: That does not matter. All that matters is...

With a blast of psychic energy he shoots Ringabel away and rips out a necklace from where he was digging.

Mewtwo: We’re not out today.

Vincent grabs a necklace from the sand as well, and the two teams race towards the finish line, where Segata is dragging Vegeta.

Don: It looks like a three-way tie is imminent! Who takes home the gold?

Segata notices Vincent, Lucas, Mewtwo and Katara catching up behind him, so he grabs Vegeta by the hair and flings him across the finish line.

Vegeta: OW! Dammit, do you have any idea how much effort I put into gelling this thing in the morning?

Don: The winners are Segata and Vegeta! Mewtwo and Katara in second, Lucas and Vincent in third!

Vegeta: (to himself) That Segata guy has to leave as soon as possible. Nobody can rival the great Vegeta!

Weiss: Come on, dig! DIG you fat plumber!

Mario: But I don’t-a have a spin drill! I can’t a dig fast!

Goku: Geez, it’s taking forever to find these things!

Satsuki: Well, if this was supposed to be a fair competition, they’d all have to be near the bottom, wouldn’t they?

Goku: Man, I hate this sand. It’s so course and rough, and it’s getting everywhere.

Suddenly, Jar Jar comes crashing down into the sandbox, having been tossed a long ways from the battlefield. Kyousuke jogs in after him.

Kyousuke: Dammit, if I knew my partner would be this incompetent, I’d have waved goodbye to this stupid game at the start!

Goku: Wave, huh? I have an idea! KAAAAAAAMEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before the others can react and get sued by the Fine Bros, Goku’s Kamehameha wave devastates the sandbox; the remaining trinkets fly into the air and are caught by the other teams. The joy is short live when they see Jar Jar running away with his behind on fire, an exasperated Kyousuke behind him. Over in the battlefield, Megaman and Big Daddy work together to drill through the AT-AT’s cockpit and and knock out the soldiers inside. They escape out the window as it falls to the ground. Deadpool and Superman aren’t so lucky.

Deadpool: NOOOOOO!!! You’re too powerful! You’re destroying these things so badly you’re damaging the data cores we need!

Superman: Then just undo what you did earlier! Turn my strength off!

Deadpool: I can’t, Machine changed his password!

Superman: Then think of something else!

Don: Megaman and Big Daddy take fourth! Ringabel and Satsuki in fifth! Goku and Pit in sixth! Weiss and Mario in seventh!

Weiss: I REALLY hope you and I don’t get paired up again.

Mario: That’s-a too bad! I wanted to show you my Tanuki suit!

Weiss can’t do anything as Mario changes into his furry costume. Though she tries to retain her tough demeanor, she lets out a tiny pip at how adorable Mario has become.

Weiss: (No! Focus on the game! But he’s so cute... NO! Dang it, now he has to leave ASAP! I can’t be distracted any more!)

Don: Only two teams remain. Both are doing rather horribly. Who will be the last to destroy a giant robotic transporter?

Vincent: Speaking of which, WHY did we have to do something that dangerous in the first place?

Don: Eh, I don’t know, profit, something economy-like. The important thing is that nobody died.

Vegeta: Don’t count on it.

The group looks out to see Deadpool holding Jar Jar down.

Jar Jar: Wassa you doing! Weesa were on the same team!

Deadpool We WERE. But if I’m not allowed to enjoy my Star Wars fantasies, then there’s no way in hell I’m letting you pass this round either! Superman, heads up!

Superman turns to see Deadpool toss Jar Jar towards him, and instinctively uses his super breath to blow Jar Jar into an AT-AT.

Kyousuke: What did you do to my partner!

Deadpool: I taped thermal detonators into his ears. Should go off any...

BOOM!!!

Deadpool: There we go. Superman, fetch!

Rolling his eyes, Clark retrieves the data core from the now-falling AT-AT, but before he races to the finish line, he stops and looks at Kyousuke.

Don: Naruto and Inkling in eighth!

Superman temporarily turns around to see Naruto dragging a badly burnt AT-AT across the finish line; with demonic eyes and a fiery aura surrounding him, he doesn’t appear to be in good shape, but the Inkling is beginning to thaw at his side.

Superman: You don’t seem too worried.

Kyousuke: Oh, I could have stopped you if I wanted to. But chances are this is a non-elimination round. I just don’t feel like putting effort in when I’m lumped together with something as pathetic as that.

Supes and Pooly head off while Jar Jar, firmly charred, clumsily climbs out of the wreckage.

Jar Jar: Thatsa it! Meesa gonna use my Sith Powers to destroy you all! Mwah Hah Hah hah hah!!!

Don: And with Superman and Deadpool crossing the line in ninth!, it looks like Kyousuke and Jar Jar Binks are going home!

Kyousuke and Binks: WHAT?

Don: Yeah, this WAS a non-elimination round, but you guys had such a pathetic performance I’m sacking you two out of pity.

Kyousuke: What? But it was his entire fault!

Don: No “I” in team, buddy. And apparently there’s no “win” in Kyousuke either. Sorry.

Jar Jar: Aww... so, how weesa get back?

Don tosses Binks a set of car keys.

Don: There’s a ride waiting for you in Echo Base, back on the other side of the battlefield.

The two turn around to see that the violent pathway they crossed has only become more explosive.

Both: Aww...

Don: And that concludes this episode! What team antics will happen next? Can I successfully take away Deadpool’s 4th wall privelages? Will Segata and Vegeta survive another episode as a pair? Find out now on... the Ridonculous race!