John Steed and Emma Peel vs. Phil Coulson and Melinda May

John Steed and Emma Peel vs. Phil Coulson and Melinda May is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features John Steed and Emma Peel from the 1960s British Television show, The Avengers, and Phil Coulson and Melinda May from the 2010s American Television show, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Description
Two of Britain's best known television secret agents square off against two of America’s best known television secret agents.

Interlude
Boomstick: Every secret agent will tell you that the most successful team is a well-trained, widely-feared ass-kicker...fronted by a good-looking and well-dressed man.

Wiz: Wait a minute, how many secret agents do you know?

'''Boomstick: Well, they don’t tell me in so many words that they’re secret agents, because if they did, they would have to kill me. Duh!'''

Wiz: Well, with any luck someone will admit it to you.

Boomstick: Yeah...wait...

Wiz: Today, we are pitting against each other two of television’s great secret agent duos. The first is Britain’s own Avengers, John Steed and Emma Peel.

Boomstick: And the other two are America’s great combo, Phil Coulson and Melinda May, the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!

Wiz: I’m Wiz, and he’s Boomstick.

Boomstick: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

John Steed and Emma Peel
Wiz: John Steed was a hero in World War 2, and a veteran of the elite Coldstream Guards.

Boomstick: Yeah, you know, the guys who march up and down in the giant fuzzy hats, looking like cosplay nutcrackers!

Wiz: At some point, Steed transferred to the British Intelligence Corps, and began to make a name for himself there.

Boomstick: Favoring tailor-made suits, classic cars and beautiful young female assistants, Steed foiled fiendish plots against the jolly old Queen by such villains as foreign agents, organized assassins and deranged ophthalmic surgeons.

Wiz: Do you even know what that means?

'''Boomstick: Sure, my ex-wife called me deranged all the time. I think it means, “Someone who’s right all the time.”'''

Wiz: Riiiiiiight. And the best known of all of Steed’s female companions was Mrs. Emma Peel.

Boomstick: Though not a member of “the Organization” herself, Mrs. Peel accompanied Steed on many missions, kicking open doors and kicking asses for the Queen.

Wiz: That’s right, neither Steed nor Mrs. Peel ever shied away from a fight, and many villains from Caithness to Land’s End learned not to take them lightly.

Phil Coulson and Melinda May
Boomstick: The Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement, and Logistics Division...Good God, someone definitely was willing to jump through a series of hoops to get an acronym that spells out "S.H.I.E.L.D.!"

Wiz: Organized in 1967, S.H.I.E.L.D. has fought Hydra, and a host of other bad-guys, employing many sunglassed and suited agents, all pretty interchangeable.

'''Boomstick: All interchangeable but one, Agent Phil Coulson. Coulson was Nick Fury’s right-hand man, the go-to guy he could count on to handle any situation, whether it required sneaking around, negotiations or good, solid violence.'''

Wiz: And when it came to violence, Coulson inevitably turned to Agent Melinda May.

Boomstick: Referred to as “the Cavalry,” Agent May enjoys a reputation within S.H.I.E.L.D. as an ass-kicker who can accomplish the impossible.

Wiz: She has fought bad-guys one at a time, two at a time, and even taken on whole groups.

Boomstick: Combined, there’s little that this dynamic duo cannot accomplish, and those that get in their way had better watch out!

Wiz: Alright the combatants are set; let’s end this debate once and for all.

Boomstick: Its time for a Death Battle!

Pre-Fight
In a semi-abandoned looking office building in suburban Britain, Phil Coulson (dressed in his “official” suit) and Melinda May (in her S.H.I.E.L.D. jumpsuit) walk along a corridor, looking for a S.H.I.E.L.D. team sent in to retrieve a reported 0-8-4, an object of unknown origin. Stepping through a doorway they find the four S.H.I.E.L.D. agents spread out on the floor, two of them trying to stand up.

Coulson hurries to the closest agent, and helps him to stand up. ''“What happened? Where’s the object?”'' he asks

The agent is a bit unsteady on his feet as he look at Coulson. ''“Two people, a man and a woman. They took it from us.”''

“Which way did they go?” Coulson asks.

The agent points to the door, and then moves his hand to the right, indicating their direction. “That way,” he says.

Coulson hurries to a window, and yanking it open finding the fire escape that he expected. As he begins to step through the window, he looks at May and says, “This way!”

Arriving at ground level, May points at a small British, baby blue sports car parked nearby, and the pair hurry towards the corner of the building. Rounding the corner, they find themselves confronted by a tall English couple, the man in an impeccably tailored suit and matching bowler hat, carrying an umbrella in his left hand, and the woman in a dark blue jumpsuit with white highlights.

May quickly draws her gun, and tells them, “Don’t move!”

The two raise their arms at the elbow, and smile disarmingly. Seemingly not bothered by the gun, Steed asks, “May we help you?”

“I believe you took something that belongs to us,” Coulson replies.

The man looks mildly surprised, but even more amused. “I didn’t take anything,” he says.

Turning to the woman he asks, “Did you, Mrs. Peel?”

Mrs. Peel shrugs. ''“Not even a pencil. What are you missing? Perhaps we can help you find it.”''

Mrs. Peel smiles at Agent May and raises an eyebrow. While the woman is beautiful in an aristocratic way, May discerns the cold calculation going on behind her eyes. If someone is going to cause trouble, she decides, it will be her. She stares back at Mrs. Peel with a serious look, her gun pointed right at the woman’s chest.

Coulson looks somewhat annoyed as he tells the pair, ''“I’m afraid I don’t have time for games. I suggest you hand it over. Now.”''

A distant siren begins to wail. Steed looks pleased, and says, ''“That will be the local police. How about we discuss this with them?”''

As if on cue, the siren suddenly cuts off.

This time it’s Coulson who shrugs. ''“I’m afraid that they can’t make it. Will you hand it over now, please?”''

Steed shrugs and says, “A gentleman always knows when to bow to the inevitable.”

He reaches up, bows, and doffs his hat.

FIGHT !
Moving quickly, Steed brings the hat down on May’s gun-hand. She cries out, as the gun drops from her hand and clatters to the ground.

Mrs. Peel kicks out with her fight foot, sending the pistol flying. Then she pivots her weight to her right foot, and back kicks May in the chest, sending her flying back.

* * *

Steed pops his hat back onto his head with his right hand, and brings his umbrella across with his left, knocking Coulson to the side.

Steed pursues Coulson back, and delivers a strong uppercut to the chin, rocking his head back. Coulson responds with a left to the stomach, doubling him up, and sending him over onto his back with a right.

Steed sits up, places his hand on his stomach and grimaces. "What have you got under that glove, a set of brass knuckles?"

Coulson shrugs. ''“Something like that. Do you give up now?”''

Steed smiles. “Well, let’s just say that the gloves are off.”

Suddenly, Steed launches himself off the ground, thrusting with his umbrella like a sword. The tip jabs into Coulson’s stomach, sending him backward as he grabs his stomach.

* * *

Mrs. Peel steps forward in pursuit of May, while May gets into her fighting stance.

May leans back on her left foot, and kicks out with her right, once, twice, three-times, each of which is blocked. May leans in and punches her opponent in the face with her left, and then in the stomach with her right.

Suddenly, May cries out, and grabs her right hand with her left.

Mrs. Peel's eyes blaze, as the corners of her mouth turn up in a slight smile. She sidesteps to her left, and launches a roundhouse kick with right leg.

May blocks with her left arm, and instinctively punches out with her right hand. Mrs. Peel grabs May's hand in both of hers, and pivots around, pulling May over her back in a judo throw.

May hits the ground, but instead of releasing the hand, Mrs. Peel quickly places her right foot against May's side, and drops into a sitting position. She begins pulling at May's arm, trying to dislocate her shoulder, while simultaneously wrenching her hand. May cries out in agony at the attack.

* * *

Steed thrusts with his umbrella, forcing Coulson to step backward, but also somewhat to his left. Steed thrusts and Coulson retreats, sidestepping to the left.

Suddenly, Steed switches his attack, and performs an overhead slash downward at his opponent's head. Coulson moves quickly, and catches the end of the umbrella in his left hand. He turns quickly, dragging the umbrella down, the bending its cap and the bases of its ribs. He pulls, wrenching the umbrella away.

Coulson throws the umbrella away and looks at Steed. He's surprised to see that Steed still holds the handle of the umbrella, but instead of the stick, a long thin blade juts from it.

Steed smiles, and resumes his en garde position. "A Boy Scout is always prepared," he says. "It does seem to be a bit of an unfair advantage, though."

Coulson smiles and runs his right fingers across his left wrist. Instantly, an energy shield springs into existence on his left arm. He smiles and says, "I was a Boy Scout, too. Troop 100, Manitowoc, Wisconsin."