Vega (Street Fighter) vs. Mileena (Mortal Kombat)

Opening
Pixie: You know, for a group of people whose jobs depend on not being seen, assassins can be incredibly concerned about their looks. Take Vega, the Spanish Ninja and servant of M. Bison.

Spider: Or Mileena, the vicious servant of Shao Kahn. I’m Spider

Pixie: And I’m Pixie!

Spider: And it’s our job to analyze their power, abilities and skills to determine who would win a Death Battle.

Pixie: Oh, but there’s one thing we need to mention real quick. Remember how back when we did Cammy vs Nina, we used both canon abilities and non-canon gameplay on both sides during our analysis? We’re doing that again here. Good? Good.

Vega
Spider: Vega grew up in Spain with rich parents and enjoyed a life of luxury and cultural sophistication. He practiced bullfighting, later trained in Ninjitsu in Japan, and went on to join an underground cage-fighting circuit, where he showed remarkable grace, agility and skill. Vega’s comfortable life was shattered, however, when his ugly stepfather murdered his beautiful mother. Vega, in turn, murdered his stepfather.

Pixie: Needless to say, this incident fucked up Vega’s head, big-time. He became obsessed with beauty, and came to believe that beauty was the same as good and ugliness the same as evil. While he continued to keep up the guise of a well-to-do professional fighter, Vega became a serial killer, and spent every night hunting the streets for people too ugly to meet his standards of beauty… which are pretty damn high. The dude is gorgeous, and utterly in love with himself, so just about anyone who isn’t as pretty as him is getting gutted like a fish.

Spider: Vega eventually joined the criminal organization Shadaloo—

Pixie: Hey, I remember those guys! They’re the jerks who kidnapped and brainwashed Cammy White.

Spider: Yes. Back to that in a moment… Vega served as one of M. Bison’s deadliest body-guards and enforcers.

Pixie: Since Vega is obsessed with protecting that gorgeous mug of his, he never steps into the ring without his signature white mask. While it raises his defense and has the added benefit of making him look like Jason Vorhee’s flamboyantly gay cousin, the mask can actually be knocked off or shattered by well-placed punch or kick.

Spider: Vega’s signature weapon is his iconic claw, which significantly extends the reach and damage of his attacks.

Pixie: Unfortunately, like Vega’s mask, the claw can be knocked off his wrist if Vega if forced to block too many attacks, which is pretty freaking weird when you think about it. What’s the matter, Vega? Couldn’t afford to spring on a little duct-tape to keep that damn thing from falling off?

Spider: Well, it’s possible that Vega’s loosely attached claw is part of a deliberate gambit on his part to make his fights more exhilarating.

Pixie: It’s even more possible that Vega’s loosely attached claw is the part of deliberate gambit by Capcom to stop one of Street Fighter’s most iconic characters from being an overpowered and frustrating little bitch.

Spider: …Eh heh. While the mask and claw can both be knocked off, Vega is quick enough to pick them back up during the course of the fight.

Pixie: Except in Street Fighter V when he suddenly can’t do that anymore… but that’s really fucking stupid, so we’re ignoring it.

Spider: Vega is exceptionally speedy and agile, and this makes him a dangerous opponent even without his claw. He can spring off of walls, backflip or use his Matador Dodge to avoid attacks. His Rolling Crystal Flash lets him somersault forwards while repeatedly slashing his opponent. His Scarlet Terror is an offensive back-flip kick. His Flying Barcelona Attack lets him launch himself off a wall, then dive towards his opponent to launch a slashing attack. The Sky High Claw is another flying claw strike that involves leaping off the wall, but carries Vega horizontally rather than in a vertical, descending path. The Izuna drop involves him leaping off the wall as well, than grabbing his opponent and slamming them head-first into the ground.

Pixie: Man, this guys really likes jumping off walls a lot. Hasn’t he ever had to fight in, say, a corn field?

Spider:  I don’t think Street Fighter canon ever made that clear…

Pixie: Once he’s built up enough energy in his Super Meter, Vega can use his Super Combos and Ultra Combos. While he has several Super Combos at his command, the prettiest of these is easily the Splendid Claw, where Vega uses a rapid barrage of Sky High Claws while scattering rose-petals across the battle-field. This would probably be more romantic if he wasn’t slashing you into a bloody mess while doing it.

Spider: Like Cammy, Vega can build his V Gauge by taking damage, and by using the Matador Dodge. Once full, Vega can use the Bloody Rose, his only projectile attack. Vega hurls a rose at his enemy at high speed to distract them, than dashes towards them, slashes twice and lands behind them.

Pixie: A throwing-rose attack? Who does this guy think he is, Tuxedo Mask?

Spider: While Vega’s skills and speed are impressive, he has several weaknesses. He isn’t very durable, and since he focuses more on torturing his foes than killing them outright, his attacks don’t deal as much damage as they might.

Pixie: Also, remember how we mentioned that this guy is obsessed with keeping his face pretty? Well, if his enemy does manage to land one on Vega’s kisser, or even inflict a small scratch to his cheek, Vega will FLIP. THE FUCK. OUT.

Spider: Although Vega is extremely vain and sadistic, he’s not incapable of a heroic deed or two, even if misguided. When Cammy and the other Dolls were nearly killed in a fire, Vega saved their lives, claiming that he couldn’t stand to see anything as beautiful as them die.

Pixie: He might be a shallow, pretentious fop, but the Spanish Ninja is nothing to fuck with.

[Clip from Street Fighter IV]

Vega: Ugliness and weakness are one and the same.

Mileena
Pixie: Hey, remember Shao Kahn? The guy we mentioned in She-Hulk vs. Sheeva? We’re gonna talk about him again real quick.

Spider: After Shao Kahn’s conquest of the realm of Edenia, he claimed Sindel as his wife and her daughter, Kitana, as his daughter in law. Though Kitana served as Shao Kahn’s assassin for a period, she remained mistrustful of her new father.

Pixie: Gee, I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that he runs around in a skull-mask and talks like a hammier version of James Earl Jones.

[Clip from Mortal Kombat 2 plays]

Shao Kahn: FINISH HIM!

Spider: Shao Kahn ordered his greatest sorcerer, Shang Tsung, to create a deadly clone of Kitana who would play the role of Kitana’s sister and keep a close eye on her should she decide to rebel against Shao Kahn. Shang Tsung set about the task, mixing Kitana’s Edenian DNA with that of the ferocious monsters known as the Tarkata. Thus, Mileena was born.

Pixie:  For reasons that I still don’t fully understand, Shang Tsung decided that the perfect compliment for Kitana’s luscious bod was a mouth full of razor-sharp and deadly fangs. The orange eyes and snake-pupils aren’t helping, either.

Spider: Kitana was obviously disgusted by her gruesome doppleganger. Mileena grew extremely jealous of her ‘sister’, Kitana, who had all the beauty of Mileena’s form without her grotesque, predatory jaw-line, and repeatedly attempted to kill her.

Pixie: She never succeeded, but not for lack of trying.

Spider: Mileena is extremely skilled with the sai, a pair of three-pronged daggers ideal for stabbing attacks and for trapping and breaking enemy weapons. She can also fight with the long sword, or unarmed. She is trained in Ying Yeung and in Mien Chaun, a striking style that focuses on counter-attacks and set-ups.

Pixie: Up-close, Mileena shows off incredible speed and precision, and can skewer her opponent’s internal organs in seconds with a flurry of rapid stabs. She’s super-strong, thanks to her Tarkatan blood and Shang Tsung’s magic. How strong is she, you ask?

[Clip from Mortal Kombat 9 shows Mileena’s Rip Off Fatality. Mileena throws both sais through Johnny Cage’s feet, pinning them to the ground. She then walks up, grabs him by the torso, and rips his body in half.]

Pixie: Strong enough to do that.

[Clip from MKX shows Mileena’s Tasty Treat Fatality. She tears open Johnny Cage’s abdomen with her bare hands and begins eating his innards.]

Pixie: And that. Also, she can apparently turn into a skunk and spray her enemies to death… but that’s really, really fucking stupid, so we’re ignoring it.

Spider: Mileena’s Tarkata blood also grants her the built-in weapon that remains the most memorable part of her appearance: her teeth.

Pixie: With that nasty set of choppers, Mileena can bite through flesh with ease, and her mouth and throat are tough enough that she can apparently pour a jar of nails into her mouth, then spit them at you like machine-gun bullets. Because all of that other shit somehow isn’t enough, Mileena can also charge her sai with ki energy and launch them as deadly projectiles, roll across the ground in a bowling-ball like attack called Rolling Thunder, or teleport to deliver a swift flying kick called the Sky Kick. Once she has pummeled her foe into submission, she can dismember them or bite chunks out of them with her teeth. If she’s in a hurry and decides she doesn’t have time for all ‘chewing’ bullshit, she can use the Maneater technique to magically swallow her opponent whole. She then spits out chunks of bloody bone a moment later, because apparently Mileena’s digestive tract is a combination of Doctor Who’s Tardis and an industrial-strength wood-chipper.

[Clip from MK2 shows Mileena swallow Raiden, then turn spit out his bones.]

Pixie: She can even perform this Fatality on Raiden, the God of Thunder. Let me say that one more time. Mileena can EAT a GOD. Hey Spider, you know what’s never made sense to me?

Spider: What’s that?

Pixie: Mileena is a magical, genetically engineered super-assassin. Why is it she keeps losing to guys like Stryker and Johnny Cage?

Spider: Because Netherrealm’s writers say so. Thankfully, Netherrealm’s writers won’t be here to hinder *Mileena in this Death Battle, but she still has a few weaknesses worth noting. After Shao Kahn’s death, Mileena attempted to take his place a ruler of the Outworld, but she didn’t seem to have much competence in directing the realm.

Pixie: Well, running an Empire is a lot more complicated than stabbing people to death and eating them, so it’s not that surprising that Mileena had trouble adapting.

Spider: Also, she is quite insecure about being uglier than Kitana, which often compels her to hide her mouth and dress in more revealing clothing than her sister.

Pixie: Oh, so that’s why she charges into battle wearing the equivalent of three pink shoe-laces. And here I thought it was because video-game makers are horn-dogs.

Spider: Her feelings of inferiority fuel her anger, which often leads her to fight more wildly and break form, so this can undermine her martial arts skill.

Pixie: The funny thing it, it sometimes seems like if Kitana actually accepted Mileena as a sister, she wouldn’t be half as screwed-up as she is. This might not be canon, but one arcade ending showed Kitana accepting Mileena and Mileena actually becoming a heroine, ruling alongside her sister and Jade. No word on whether she stopped eating people, though. Maybe she only eats bad guys?

Spider:  Mileena once had possession of Shinnok’s Amulet, an item of great magical power, but she won’t be allowed to use that in this Death Battle. With her incredible skill, power and ferocity, Mileena may be one of the deadliest women in gaming.

[Clip from Mortal Kombat 2011 shows Mileean speaking to Kitana]

Mileena: So pretty, so fair, so sad and alone… Come. Let us be a family!

DEATH BATTLE!
Spider: Alright, our combatants are ready. Let’s put an end to this debate once and for all.

Pixie: It’s time for a Death Battle!

*    *   *

Vega leaps gracefully from roof to roof as he scans the street for ugly prey to eliminate. As he lands on a roof-top between a huge air-conditioning and a water-tank, he spots Mileena, wearing a veil and extremely revealing pink clothing. Mileena draws a pair of sai.

Vega brings a hand up to his mouth and laughs behind his mask. “Silly girl. What is that garish thing you are wearing? Simply hideous. Do you have no appreciation for true beauty?”

“Beauty?” Mileena mockingly croons, then points a sai at Vega’s throat. “If beauty’s all you’re concerned about, then step a little closer. I’m sure your bones would look quite beautiful bleaching at the foot of my throne.”

                FIGHT!

                Vega springs off the water-tank and launches his Flying Barcelona Attack, but Mileena teleports and Sky Kicks him in the back, knocking him flat. Vega quickly hops back onto his feet as Mileena attacks with a rapid series of sai-stabs, knee-strikes and kicks. Vega parries or blocks most of the blows, but a sai-stab catches him in the shoulder. Shocked and angered by the pain, Vega swings back with his claw, raking Mileena’s ribs, and kicks her into the air with his Scarlet Terror. As Mileena lands, Vega attempts to pounce on her with his Rolling Crystal Flash, but Mileena counters with her Rolling Thunder. As Mileena’s body slams into Vega’s, she knocks him into the air, than uppercuts him the stomach. Blood leaks from Vega’s mouth and stains the edges of his mask as he lands on the roof-top with a thud.

Mileena attempts another Rolling Thunder, but Vega stands and nimbly evades her with a Matador Dodge, slashes her shoulder and kicks her in the ribs, knocking her towards the edge of the roof. Mileena staggers and gasps as her heel hits the edge, but recovers her balance, charges her Sai with Ki and hurls them at Vega. Vega laughs and evades the sai with a Matador Dodge, then pulls a rose from behind his back and hurls it at Mileena.

Mileena pulls down her veil and catches the rose in her teeth, nonplussed. After a moment, she chews the rose up and swallows it, then burps up a couple of petals.

Vega stares, appalled at Mileena’s hideous mouth. “You… you’re far more hideous than I could have imagined. Your ugliness must be purged from this world!”

He charges Mileena with a claw-slash, but Mileena draws her long sword, parries the attack and counters, knocking Vega’s claw off his wrist. She manages to cut a thin wound in Vega’s leg before he escapes, but Vega then backflips out of her reach, grabs his claw and springs off the air-conditioning unit for a Sky High Claw, but Mileena strikes again with her Sky Kick, shattering Vega’s mask and knocking him prone. Mileena takes a moment to find her sai embedded in the air-condition unit and pull them loose.

Vega rises, sneering. If this fighting continues much longer, his face may be harmed. He swiftly leaps off the water-tank and launches his Splendid Claw attack, but Milena ducks him as he flies overhead and hurls a sai into his back. Vega gasps in pain and rises to his feet as Mileena moves and swings her sai towards the right side of his head. Vega quickly snaps his claw out to deflect the blow, but this leaves his center open, and Mileena pounces on him, yanks her sai out of his back and takes a bite out of his face. With a scream of anguish and fury, Vega slashes Mileena’s chest and kicks her away.

“You monster!” he shrieks, his eyes bulging, grasping at his exposed, bleeding facial muscle. “Do you see what you’ve done to my beautiful face?”

Enraged beyond reason, Vega charges Mileena and swings his claw at her throat, but Mileena catches the claw with her sai and twists her weapon to tear the claw off his wrist. Before he can retrieve it, Mileena unleashes an onslaught of sai-stabs, skewering Vega’s liver, kidneys and lungs and shattering most of his ribs. Mileena smiles and puts her sai away as the Spanish Ninja staggers, struggling to maintain his balance as he battles blood-loss. Mileena strokes Vega’s destroyed face and pops up on one leg, as if to give him a kiss. As her mouth touches Vega, she inhales, sucking his entire body into her gut. A moment later, she turns around and spits out a torrent of bloody, shattered bones.

                K.O!

                Mileena picks up Vega’s claw, and uses it to pick her teeth.

Post-Battle Analysis
Pixie (imitating Dan Forden): Tastyyyy!

Spider: While Vega had the advantage in speed and agility, Mileena wasn’t far behind, and her strength utterly eclipsed Vega’s. While Vega’s ability to leap off of walls suggests a level of leg strength similar to Cammy’s, that doesn’t compare to the explicitly super-human strength Mileena uses to tear human beings apart with her bare-hands.

Pixie: Plus, Mileena’s Sky Kick let her knock Vega flat on his ass every time he tried to go for one of his wall-jumping attacks. Since eighty percent of this guy’s fighting style is wall-jumping, once Mileena took that away from him, he didn’t many tools left to use. The Matador Dodge was handy for avoiding Mileena’s Rolling Thunder, but that was about all Vega had going for him.

Spider: Normally Vega’s claw gives him a reach advantage, because normally, he fights unarmed combatants. Mileena’s sais gave her about the same reach Vega had, and her long sword let her beat Vega at his own game by giving her a better reach.

Pixie: While we’re on that topic, Mileena had way better weapons than Vega did. Vega’s claw is easily knocked off, but Mileena almost never loses her grip on her sais. Plus, since she can wield two weapons against Vega’s single claw, it was easy for her to block his blade with one sai and strike with the other, or to simply catch his claw and twist it off his wrist, leaving him unarmed. Her sais also gave her access to a fast-flying projectile attack that she could use far more often than Vega could throw his rose, and sai are a heck of a lot more effective and damaging as projectiles than a rose is, anyways. Actually, this whole fight is starting to smell of curb-stomp.

Spider: While Mileena is insecure about her appearance and prone to wild rages that throw off her fighting style, Vega is arguably even more insecure.

Pixie (laughing): Okay, I know this is a curb-stomp fight, but that’s going a little too far. Are you seriously telling me that Mileena, the poster child for violently crazy chicks, is more mentally stable than someone?

Spider: Consider this: Mileena’s rage stems from being inferior in beauty to Kitana. While she isn’t necessarily happy about her freakish mouth, she is willing to use it combat, and even reveals it deliberately to intimidate her enemies, which shows a certain level of self-acceptance and adjustment. Vega, on the other hand, has no ability to deal with on n the slightest personal flaw, and even a scratch to the cheek sends him into a frenzy. Since one of Mileena’s favorite tactics is biting her opponent’s face, it was only a matter of time before she inflicted a wound that would enrage Vega, leading him to drop his guard. With Mileena’s deadly precision and speed, this gave her more than enough of an opening to inflict a disabling series of wounds and finish Vega off.

Pixie: Looks like there’s a beautiful person inside Mileena after all… and that person is Vega.

Spider: The winner is Mileena.

Next time on Death Battle!
A blonde woman with a bob-cut strides into an arena as a jazzy, upbeat tune plays. She throws off her leather jacket, revealing a red midriff top as the music is interrupted by a woman screaming at the top of her lungs.

"RAAAAAAINBOOOOOOOOOW!!!"

A microphone drops to the floor.