User blog:InkSpider/Christine vs. 1408

Description
"Stephen King versus Stephen King!  Which evil inanimate object wins?"

Introduction
Spider:   Within the horror genre, countless writers have spawned nightmares that linger in the minds of their audience, but few horror writers have been as successful or prolific as Stephen King.

Pixie: There’s just no way around it; living in a Stephen King story fucking sucks. On any given day, you could be murdered by a rabid dog, a shape-shifting clown, a gang of children with corn-scythes or a dark god… and if you’re really unlucky, you might even end up getting axed by an inanimate object.

Spider: Like Christine, the murderous car.

Pixie: Or 1408, the evil fucking room.

Spider:   I’m Spider.

Pixie: And I’m Pixie!

Spider: And it’s our job to analyze their power, abilities and skills to determine who would win a Death Battle.

Christine
Spider: Like many high schoolers, Arnie Cunningham was socially awkward, and had trouble fitting in.

Pixie: And like many high schoolers, Arnie compensated for his lack of social connections by immersing himself in a hobby. But this wasn’t a sensible hobby like masturbating to anime or writing Death Battles. No, Arnie’s personal project was restoring a 1958 Plymoth Fury, nicknamed Christine.

Spider: Little did Arnie know, Christine had a life of her own, and would soon wreak bloody vengeance on all the bullies at school who had tormented Arnie.

Pixie: Talk about a wicked case of road rage.

Spider:   As a 1958 Plymoth Fury, Christine is a sleek and stylish muscle car with a deceptive amount of cargo space. She possesses a 318 cubic inch engine, capable of producing 290 horsepower and propelling Christine at speeds of 120 miles per hour.

Pixie:   More than fast enough to run down bullies and turn them into road-pancakes. She can also use her adjustable seats to crush people to death, should they find themselves trapped inside her cab.

Spider: Most alarmingly, Christine possesses a regenerative ability that allows her to recover from wrecks and damage in seconds.

Pixie:   Holy shit! Wolverine became a fucking car!?

Spider: But while Christine is a terrifying vehicle, she has her weaknesses. In ideal conditions, she only gets 8 miles per gallon of gas—abysmal mileage by modern standards.

<p class="MsoNormal">Pixie: She also seems to have an unsurprising vulnerability to car-compactors. Still, Christine serves as a reminder that people don’t kill people; cars kill people.

<p class="MsoNormal">[Clip from Christine (1983) shows Christine turn on her lights and rev her engine.]

1408
<p class="MsoNormal">Spider: Mike Enslin was a successful writer who had published many books debunking ghost stories and detailing his visits to supposedly haunted locations. He was a cynical and jaded man who put no stock in the supernatural, until his fateful visit to room number 1408 at the Hotel Dolphin.

<p class="MsoNormal">Pixie [sighing]:   And this all could have been avoided if he had simply listened to the hotel’s owner, Samuel L. Jackson. ENGLISH, MOTHER-FUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT!?

<p class="MsoNormal">Spider:   Mike would soon discover that Samuel L. Jackson’s warning was not an empty one. Room 1408 has the power to trap anyone who comes inside its walls in their own personal hell of mind-bending horror.

<p class="MsoNormal">Pixie: Whereas most hotel rooms simply trap you in your own personal hell of cockroaches, defective air-conditioning and shitty satellite TV.

<p class="MsoNormal">Spider: Once inside, 1408 will attempt to drive its guests to suicide by physically and emotionally torturing them. It can attack with slamming windows or scalding steam from bathroom faucets. It can also summon the ghosts of previous guests, and can manipulate reality by making the room freezing cold, altering the language of the lunch menu, and restarting time, forcing you to live through its hellish torture over and over again.

<p class="MsoNormal">Pixie: It can also leave chocolates on your pillow while you’re not looking. SpooOOooky chocolates!

<p class="MsoNormal">Spider: 1408 also appears to have some degree of mind-reading, since it can use memories of your family to further the torture it inflicts on you.

<p class="MsoNormal">Pixie: But let’s not forget the best part: free wifi! Which 1408 can use to Skype with your loved ones, impersonate you and lure them inside its evil walls.

<p class="MsoNormal">Spider: That said, 1408 is not perfect.

<p class="MsoNormal">Pixie:   I’ll say. The décor is boring as fuck. Also, you can kill the room by lighting it on fire. Still, on the spookiness scale, 1408 scores a perfect 10 skulls.

<p class="MsoNormal">[Clip from 1408 shows 1408 slamming its windows on Mike’s hands.]

DEATH BATTLE!
<p class="MsoNormal">Spider: Alright, our combatants are set. It’s time to end this debate once and for all.

<p class="MsoNormal">Pixie: It’s time for a DEATH BATTLE!

<p class="MsoNormal">*    *    *

<p class="MsoNormal">                 It is a quiet night at the Hotel Dolphin. 1408 is empty for the night; no one to torture, no one to kill. Suddenly, Christine smashes in through the front of building and runs over a bell-hop. The staff scatters, screaming. 1408’s presence looks sternly down on Christine as the evil car backs up and revs its engine.

<p class="MsoNormal">                 FIGHT!

<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in">Christine attempts to drive up the stairs, but find them too narrow. Frustrated, Christine backs up and takes a running start at the elevator. She smashes through the elevator door and gets wedged between the walls, half in the elevator, and half out. As she starts to regenerate, she reaches over with her antennae and presses the button for the fourteenth floor. The elevator whines as it struggles to close and lift Christine. Annoyed, Christine repeatedly presses the button, to no avail. She attempts to back up, but is soundly stuck in the elevator. She tries pulling forward, then back, and her spinning wheels tear up the carpet of the hotel’s lobby.

<p class="MsoNormal">                 This continues for several hours, at which point, Christine runs out of gas.

<p class="MsoNormal">                 K.O!

<p class="MsoNormal">                 A smug, demonic chuckle rings through 1408.

Post-Battle Analysis
<p class="MsoNormal">Pixie: …Why exactly did we think this fight was a good idea, again?

<p class="MsoNormal">Spider: Um… well… you see… hey look, a cat-girl in a bikini!

<p class="MsoNormal">Pixie [turning]: Ooh, where?

<p class="MsoNormal">Spider: While Christine had the advantage in lateral mobility, brute force and durability, she was brought down by two simple facts. One, she is a car. Two, 1408 is not on the ground floor. Since she had no way to reach the upper floors of the Hotel Dolphin, Christine was left biding her time until she was brought down by her greatest weakness, poor gas mileage.

<p class="MsoNormal">Pixie: Look like 1408 showed Christine that there’s only room for one of them.

<p class="MsoNormal">Spider: The winner is 1408.