Kenshiro vs. Pai Mei (Kill Bill)

OPENING
[Death Battle theme plays. Fade-in to reveal our host, a tall, slender woman in a trench-coat, fedora, shades and a gray ski-mask. Her co-host is a short, round woman in a pleated skirt with an anime t-shirt and spiky, green hair.]

Trench-coat Woman: Throughout history, mankind has developed ever-more deadly means of destruction, weapons ranging from swords, to fire-arms, to world-shattering bombs.

Green-haired Gal: But some warriors take a long, hard look at the weapons available to them, declare, “Fuck that shit!” and use their bare hands to make your organs explode.

Trench-coat Woman: Such as Kenshiro, successor of the ancient art of Hokuto Shinken.

Green-haired Gal: Or Pai Mei, creator of the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.

Trench-coat Woman: I’m Spider.

Green-haired Gal: And I’m Pixie!

Spider: And it’s our job to analyze their power, abilities and skills to decide who would win a Death Battle.

* beat*

Pixie: …Uh, isn’t it supposed to be ‘weapons, armor and skills?’

Spider (scoffs): Neither of these combatants need to use weapons or armor. Referencing weapons and armor simply because that’s how it is done in Wiz and Boomstick’s Death Battles is unnecessary and inaccurate to today’s match-up.

Pixie:  But—

Spider:  Hush! It’s time to start our first introduction.

[Death Battle theme plays. Fade-in to reveal our host, a tall, slender woman in a trench-coat, fedora, shades and a gray ski-mask. Her co-host is a short, round woman in a pleated skirt with an anime t-shirt and spiky, green hair.]

Trench-coat Woman: Throughout history, mankind has developed ever-more deadly means of destruction, weapons ranging from swords, to fire-arms, to world-shattering bombs.

Green-haired Gal: But some warriors take a long, hard look at the weapons available to them, declare, “Fuck that shit!” and use their bare hands to make your organs explode.

Trench-coat Woman: Such as Kenshiro, successor of the ancient art of Hokuto Shinken.

Green-haired Gal: Or Pai Mei, creator of the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.

Trench-coat Woman: I’m Spider.

Green-haired Gal: And I’m Pixie!

Spider: And it’s our job to analyze their power, abilities and skills to decide who would win a Death Battle.

* beat*

Pixie: …Uh, isn’t it supposed to be ‘weapons, armor and skills?’

Spider (scoffs): Neither of these combatants need to use weapons or armor. Referencing weapons and armor simply because that’s how it is done in Wiz and Boomstick’s Death Battles is unnecessary and inaccurate to today’s match-up.

Pixie:  But—

Spider:  Hush! It’s time to start our first introduction.

Kenshiro
Spider: There is a dreadful martial art that has existed for over 2,000 years...

Pixie: Dreadful as in scary, by the way. Not dreadful as in lousy.

Spider (Sighs): Right. That art is Hokuto Shinken.

Pixie: After the world was ruined by nuclear war, Kenshiro, the only successor of the art, traveled the world, using Hokuto Shinken to bring justice to the vile, black-hearted, punk-rockers that preyed on the innocent as he sought to rescue the love of his life, Julia! Or Yuria, or however the hell you’re supposed to say it.

Spider: Technically, he wasn’t the only successor, since his adoptive brothers were also trained in the art, but that’s not really important here.

Pixie:  Ken’s mastery of Hokuto Shinken allows him to tap into 100% of his body’s potential strength. By striking his enemies pressure points with this force, he can cause their heads to explode or their muscles to break their own spines in half! He can even control a foe’s muscles and force them to strangle themselves with whips, or bend over backwards and drown themselves in water basins. That’s… sheesh, that’s kind of sadistic for a hero, Ken.

Spider:  To be fair, Ken almost always warns his foes to flee, and often uses Hokuto Shinken for less lethal applications. He can induce temporary paralysis or amnesia, and has even used pressure points to heal blindness… and PTSD, apparently.

Pixie (laughing): Wait, what the fuck!?

Spider: No, really. He did it in the first episode of his series.

Pixie: Okay, I’ve seen some pretty goofy martial arts powers in anime, but that is just fucking nuts. Good thing the world is a nuclear wasteland, or Ken would put all therapists out of business.

Spider:  In addition to his impressive martial skill, Ken boasts seemingly superhuman power and speed.

Pixie: He’s strong to tear through steel with his bare hands, fast enough to catch cross-bow bolts effortlessly, and tough enough to survive being stabbed or even being struck by a wrecking ball!

Spider: Despite his raw power and skill, Ken is far from invincible. During his first duel with Shin, a master of the Nanto Seiken style of martial art, Shin effortlessly demolished Ken, slicing open all four of Ken’s limbs before Ken could even land a single blow.

Pixie: And then Shin poked a bunch of holes in his chest and ran off with Ken’s girlfriend. Dayum. Talk about adding insult to injury.

Spider: Though he hasn’t always triumphed, Ken is undoubtedly a martial artist to be feared.

[Ken performs the 100 Crack Fist of the North Star on Zeed.]

Ken: You are already dead.

[Zeed explodes.]

Pai Mei
Spider: As an ancient Chinese God, Pai Mei has seen many interpretations.

Pixie: For example, Quentin Tarantino chose to interpret him as a skinny, bearded racist who slaps women around.

[Clip from Kill Bill Vol. 2]

Pai Mei: I HATE THE GODDAMNED *BLEEP*S!

Spider: Whoa, whoa, let’s try to keep language like that out our analysis, Pixie. Pai Mei is a seemingly ancient martial artist who trained members of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad in hand-to-hand combat.

Pixie: Two of his premier students were Bill, the squad’s leader, and Beatrix Kiddo… who would later go on to kill Bill. Just like in the movie’s title!

Spider: Right… Pai Mei appears to practice his own unique form of kung fu, and is remarkably skilled in hand-to-hand combat. While it is implied that he has mastered various forms of weaponry including swords and spears, he never really seems to need them.

Pixie: During his fight with Beatrix Kiddo, the Black Mamba, Pai Mei showed off his agility and reflexes by dodging every single blow Kiddo threw at him. He even dodged sword swings with his hands behind his back, and at one point, jumped onto Kiddo’s sword and kicked her in the face. Not to mention he once plucked a woman’s eyeball straight out of her head. Ouch!

Spider: According to Bill, Pai Mei is strong to enough snap a person’s arms and spine like they were twigs, and legend has it that he even took on an entire temple of Shaolin Monks, and slaughtered them all single-handed.

Pixie:  Yeah, that’s right. Shaolin Monks. The guys known for defining the concept of badass martial artist, and Pai Mei tore through them like they were made of tissue paper.

Spider: For all of his martial skill, however, there is one technique in Pai Mei’s arsenal that trumps all others…

Pixie: The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique! Damn, just saying that gives me shivers from sheer badassery. With this technique, Pai Mei strikes five points on his opponent’s chest with his finger-tips. After they take three steps, their heart explodes inside their chest, and they fall over dead. Of course, just like Kenshiro, Pai Mei has his weaknesses.

Spider: …Actually, no, he really doesn’t.

Pixie: Wait, WHAT!?

Spider: I mean, you could argue that his bad temper is a weakness, but it really hasn’t hindered him in any way. He was ultimately killed when his former student poisoned his food, and as far as we know, Pai Mei has never been defeated in hand-to-hand combat. In fact, we’ve never even seen him get hit by anything.

Pixie: Pai Mei is one bad grandpa.

[Clip of Pai Mei standing on Kiddo’s sword]

Pai Mei: From here, you get an excellent view of my foot.

[Pai Mei kicks Kiddo in the face.]

DEATH BATTLE!
Spider: Alright, our combatants are ready. Let’s put an end to this debate once and for all.

Pixie: It’s time for a DEATH BATTLE!

*    *   *

Kenshiro walks through a street in a ruined city, keeping an eye out for raiders and other foes. Pai Mei walks towards him, and as they pass, Pai Mei gives a tiny, almost indiscernable nod. Kenshiro does not return the gesture.

Pai Mei screams in rage. “Insolent dog! Prepare to meet your bloody slaughter at the fists of Pai Mei!”

Kenshiro calmly turns towards the old man and takes his fighting stance. “Hokuto Shinken is invincible. You should leave now.”

FIGHT!

                Pai Mei leaps forward and fires a round-kick at Ken’s head. Ken ducks the blow and fires a series of rapid finger-strikes at Pai Mei, but Pai Mei casually dodges them with his hands behind his back, then leaps up and kicks Ken in the face, laughing. Ken staggers and wipes his mouth.

“You’re faster than I expected.”

Pai Mei rushes forwards with a series of chops, punches and finger-strikes, but Ken matches the old man’s pace with ease, dodging and parrying the blows, then suddenly leaps over Pai Mei’s head, landing a few feet behind him.

Pai Mei pauses and gives Ken a momentary glance, not of rage, but incredibly, of respect. With a slight nod and a whip of his beard, Pai Mei draws a sword and charges Ken. Ken dodges the first stroke, then strikes the blade with a back-fist, shattering the steel.

Pai Mei smiles as he drops the ruined blade. The attack may have failed, but it has brought him in the range for his ultimate technique. Pai Mei moves to launch the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.

Less than a half-second before Pai Mei’s fingers can make contact with Ken’s scarred chest, a blow to the throat stops Pai Mei cold. Ken takes a breath, then screams, “ATATATATATATA!” while launching 100 finger-strikes too fast for the eye to track. “WA-TAH!” he shouts, as Pai Mei flies backwards, knocked off his feet.

Kanji flash across the screen: “100 Crack Fist of the North Star!”

Pai Mei rises, but Ken turns his back.

“You are already dead,” the Hokuto Shinken master remarks, as Pai Mei’s body swells like a balloon and explodes.

K.O!

Post-Battle Analysis
Pixie: Welp, there goes Pai Mei’s no loss record.

Spider: Pai Mei had an advantage in experience, and his skill and precision was likely equal to Ken’s, but Kenshiro was miles ahead in every other category. Pai Mei’s speed is impressive, but nowhere near Ken’s, and while Kenshiro is shown shattering steel and stone with his bare hands, Pai Mei never demonstrates an equal feat of strength.

Pixie: Ken also shows off more durability than Pai Mei, and his style is actually way, way deadlier. Pai Mei has to use a special technique to score the kind of kills Ken scores constantly with single, casual blows.

Spider: Pai Mei resorted to his weapons training as a last resort, and while this was one of the few skills Kenshiro didn’t exhibit, it was nowhere near enough to save the old master. Ken has been shown shattering steel, bladed boomerangs with ease.

Pixie: While Pai Mei was undefeated in the Kill Bill ‘verse, he never fought anyone as powerful as Kenshiro. Considering Pai Mei’s awful temper, it was only a matter of time before he blew up.

Spider: This fight’s winner is Kenshiro.

Next time, on Death Battle...
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